Category Archives: 8. Dominant Insights

Insights into my husband’s perspective on things.

160. I’ll take you to my Leader

160

In my prior post I pointed out the traits of a good Dom are no different from the traits of a good leader.  To me, the vanilla term for a Dom could simply be Leader!   In thinking about when I first ventured into Domestic Discipline, I would probably have had fewer trepidations had I thought of it as a Leader/follower dynamic (L/f).  This is due to the baggage I had, and suppose many people have, over the term “Dominant.”

I talked to Mike about my L/f observation and he instantly connected the dots with his experience.  I’ve written about how Mike has said he feels he is a better leader at work since we instituted Domestic Discipline.  This time in our discussion, Mike connected that not only did our D/s help him in the L/f work dynamic, but conversely, his skills and experience in the L/f work dynamic helped him in our D/s.  I asked him to elaborate, and thus, this post!    

It took me a bit to write this post as I tried to do in more of an interview style but it just didn’t work. So I decided to just list out the themes that Mike shared.  He shared nine characteristics he strives to demonstrate in work that he also connects to how he approaches his Dom role at home.  

  1. Consistency – I list this first because it is paramount.  I’ve mentioned it before. Consistency is key!  A follower needs their Leader to be a consistent, steady influence on her life.  Consistency in their decision making,  tone of voice, enforcement of rules and rituals, imposed discipline, and in their care and concern for their follower.  (I took the liberty of writing these from the perspective of the male Leader and female follower, since that is what I identify with.  Clearly, it could be any combination of genders depending on your dynamic)
  2. Empathy – a good Leader places himself in his follower’s shoes and seeks to understand before seeking to be understood.  That’s not to say they identify with what the follower needs.  The Leader seeks to understand the needs of the follower and then address them as the Leader see fit.
  3.  Conscientiousness – Leaders are driven by a sense of duty that helps drive their actions and decisions.  They understand that they have an impact on their follower and strive to impact them in positive ways as opposed to negative ways.  No matter how assertive or tough-minded, the Leader is consistently concerned for the well-being of their follower. 
  4. Wisdom – the Leader guides their follower down the best path.  This often can only come with the experience and maturity of lessons learned from prior decisions and experiences, good and bad.  Such “wisdom” is not in the eye of the Leader, but in the eye of the follower.  If the Leader has proven themselves, the follower can trust her leader to be an insightful guide along her journey.  This trust is critical as the journey is not even possible without it.
    .
    A Leader is bold, not a bully.  Without #1 through #4, the rest of these would be characteristics of a bully instead of acts of the bold.
    .
  5.  Assertiveness – the Leader gets energy and motivation from a challenge and thus does not shy away when a challenge presents itself.  The Leader prefers to be the one taking action as opposed to simply reacting to their follower.  This is actually an act of vulnerability on the part of the Leader as being assertive means making oneself vulnerable to criticism or negative thoughts about their firm decisions. 
  6.  Self assurance – This is the result of the vulnerability that comes with being assertive.  The Leader know that they are not perfect and make mistakes, but they don’t dwell on this or allow hesitation to creep in.  They quickly address and overcome any mistakes and move on.  This inner confidence strengthens the bonds between them and their follower and helps both the Leader and the follower to understand that mistakes will not deter their progress together.
  7. Tough-mindedness – Related to Assertiveness, it’s where the Leader sticks to their assertions.  They know where they are going and have ideas as to how to get there. As a result it is not easy to divert them from their chosen path – but they will still adjust as appropriate.
  8.  High standards – A Leader sets a high standard of excellence both for themselves and their follower.  This inward desire to do one’s best can be intimidating, but also rewarding for the follower who steps up and meets those standards.
  9. Emotional Strength and Stability – The Leader maintains composure in the face of adversity, frustration, or disappointment.  This is very critical in a D/s dynamic when the Leader is responsible for punishments.  The Leader needs to maintain a command of their emotions while the follower needs to see that no matter how bad things get, her leader will be in control of himself.  She feels safe as a result.

That’s it!

HARDEST PART
Mike said #7 was the hardest part for him to master when he took over the household leadership reigns.  He said the challenge for him was to learn not to be easily swayed by my “emotional appeals” and to stay focused on my goals.  He would be concerned at times that he would be seen as insensitive or disconnected.  He didn’t want me to see him that way, yet he also wanted to help me reach the submissive mindset I was seeking.

Of course I had to ask him what “emotional appeals” meant.  He said it meant something between persuasion and manipulation.   He explained that basically it was the typical things I might do or say to elicit my preferred response from him.  Humm…now that started a whole other conversation as I was very curious by what these “typical things” were.  Perhaps I’ll share that part of the conversation some other time.

I never realized he thought I might interpret his actions as insensitive or disconnected. I told him that for me it was quite the opposite.  I “get off” on his tough-mindedness.   I enjoy it when typical methods of “emotional appeals” simply aren’t sufficient to overcome his determination to help me achieve my goals.   I was saddened by realizing that there have been times Mike thought I was thinking ill of him for actions he took.  It really underscored for me that yes, the Dominant is also making themselves vulnerable in this dynamic.

It also emphasized my “Golden Rule of DD” that I shared in my previous post.  It is so important for the Dominant (Leader) to give praise, and the Submissive (follower) to give thanks.  Especially early on in exploring this dynamic.    

THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU FOR…
In reflecting on my last 2.5 years, I don’t think we did enough “Praising and Thanking.” Lately I have made it a point to frequently thank Mike for all he does, whether it is just as a person, a dad, a husband, or a Dom.  And more than just a thank you, I remind him it is part of why I love him.  My “phrase of thanks” is, “Mike, thank you, I love you for…”  And then proceed to tell him the specific thing I am grateful for.

It’s amazing the power this phrase has.  Of course, I must always be genuine in my use of this phrase.  He might consider it an “emotional appeal” if I use it in attempt to sway him.  Would I do that?  Me?  nEveR!

NEXT:  161.  NEEDED ONE, GOT THREE!

148. Dom/sub Therapy Session

148

My last post talked about my little spiral towards a self-pity party.  The trigger for this self-absorbed unhappiness was the challenges I was having in maintaining a submissive mindset.   Those frustrations with myself leached into frustrations towards others (such as Mike and Kayla).   This led me to my discussion with Mike that I shared in that last post.  

Before I get into how that discussion went, I want to give kudos to my man!  Mike is such a great listener and the perfect Dom for this submissive!  Kisses!!

THE DISCUSSION
After venting, I said I think I should give up trying to shape my thoughts to be more submissive.  I felt I just am not cut out to think that way and it is too hard to undo a lifetime of reinforced behaviors that were far from submissive.  I’ve conquered being submissive in my actions, and it has brought me great joy, but I can’t seem to keep my default thinking, my reflexes, from being non-submissive.  I told him I wanted to scrap the “think submissively” goal I had.   

HOW CAN I HELP?
After sharing my frustrations, Mike asked, “Is that it, or is there some way I can help you?”  

My answer?  I wasn’t sure.  Just like the “nail” video I linked to in my prior post, I think I just wanted to be heard and vent.  And it seemed simple that just reverting back to our “normal” D/s routine would fix it.    

Mike agreed it was good for me to vent.  But, he said that abandoning this “submissive thinking thing” could be a missed opportunity to get at the root of my challenge.  This could mean the issue is still there, unresolved, and can fester.  I admitted it was impacting how I treated others.  As he put it, I owed it to everyone, including myself, to find resolution.  He asked me if simply venting and abandoning this goal was enough to resolve whatever I was feeling.  

I admitted that it would not.  It sure would “take the nail out,” but, it wouldn’t identify why I struggled with it in.  

I WONDER IF?
I told Mike I’ve done the soul-searching and can’t identify why I am feeling and reacting the way that I am.  Mike said, “Do you think giving up is better than continuing the search?”   No, I do not.  

Mike then said, “I wonder if your frustration is really about your doubts of whether or not you really want to go “deeper” with your submission.  It might be, but let’s assume for a moment it isn’t that.  Let’s assume just the opposite.  That it is what you really want.  Then why the frustration?”

I said, “Because it is harder than I thought it would be.”

He replied, “So, I wonder if it were easy, you would want it, but because it is hard, you don’t?”

I had to admit that yes, I wanted it if it were easy.  Yes, I still wanted to think more submissively.  His response was, “Then why stop?”

I then went back in to the litany of things I listed on my prior post.  It would be easier if this, easier if that, etc., etc.  If those things didn’t exist, it would be easier, but because those things exist, it will never be easy, so why keep being frustrated?  I especially pointed out the things with our son.  His needs have been especially high, although they did just recently settle into routine again.  

Mike pointed out that the needs of our son are often a trigger for me.  A trigger into frustration over other aspects of life.  I know where he was going as we have had this conversation before.  I figured it out myself long ago.  When J’s needs increase, my stress increases.  As my stress increases, I vent it by being more controlling and demanding of others.  I then see others as obstacles to my happiness, and passive-aggressive tendencies emerge, jealousy emerges, and basically, the pity party is in full swing.

I told him that I get all that.  Been there, done that, too many times in my life.  I told him that because my attempts at “thinking submissively” were not going well, yes, it caused this spiral.  But I just want off the spiral – Now – and not incrementally over time as I improve towards my desired thinking.  I told him perhaps we just revisit this in a few months.

What Truly Matters?
Mike then said, “You have said many times that what truly matters to you is to be submissive to me.  You’ve said that your greatest enjoyment and pleasure has come from when I do things off script (the things not explicitly stated in our Contract).   You admitted just now that you want to think more submissively and your only reason for abandoning this is that it is ‘too hard.’  So here is what we are going to do.”  

He continued, “You are to no longer punish Kayla.  It is understandable that having to be part-Dom at times would make it hard to stay in a submissive mindset.”   

“Secondly,” he added, “our mini-Maintenance Thursdays will change.  You will journal all your non-submissive thoughts and we will review and discuss them on Thursdays.  The Thursday maintenance will always be the same.  5 with the prison strap, 5 with the cane, hard intensity, followed by 30 minutes sitting in the corner for reflection.  There will not be any other punishments for ‘not thinking submissively.’  We will continue these mini-sessions until I am satisfied you have reached your goal.

“Lastly, there will be no further discussion about this for a month.  You can bring it up at a Maintenance Session in a month if you have questions or concerns.  Oh, and one more thing, we will end today’s session with 10 hard from the strap and 10 hard with the cane.”  

That’s a hard ending to a Maintenance Session as most sessions have low to moderate spankings.  I didn’t question why he did that, nor do I care.  He was right, my greatest enjoyment and pleasure comes from him being Dominant in his own way, separate from anything we specifically outlined in our Contract.  

Retrospect
I am only one day removed from this, so don’t have the benefit of much thinking about this.  Part of me absolutely loved Mike’s actions, but part of me still wonders if this “submissive thinking” is a worthwhile goal.  Knowing that basically there is no punishments involved, other than what is scheduled for Thursdays, helps relieve a little bit of the pressure I feel.  — That statement may be easy to misconstrue.  The pain of a spanking doesn’t create pressure for me to perform.  Actually, the pain is very much a release, sort of absolution, for me.  It is about what the spanking represents… failure…and not about the pain… that serves as a deterrent. 

This experience highlights for me that my pre-DD ways are not far from the surface.  I can quickly devolve into my control-freak ways if I allow it.  Well, let me correct myself.  Now I can say, “if Mike allows it.”   Which apparently he won’t, as my bruised butt attests!    

NEXT:  149. Kayla Rises.  A Submissives Manifesto

74. Interview with Sir

notes

I figured I’d change this up and share a conversation I had with Mike, but in the form of an interview.  I asked him if I could do a Q&A and share it with you all, and this is the result. I hope you enjoy.

After reading it I think my interview skills are lame, so if there are other questions you would have, let me know.  

Jen:  What did you think when I first suggested DD?

Mike:  Honestly, I didn’t know what to think.  I wasn’t sure what you really meant, how far you wanted to take it, or any of that.  My initial reaction was to try to understand what you were feeling and what you felt it would help address, and then, it was all about understanding what DD was in general, let alone the version you wanted for yourself.   What do you think about my initial reaction?

Jen:   Hey, I am asking the questions, Sir, but as always, I was amused by how serious you took it.  You didn’t seem aroused by the sexual overtones or shocked by the fact I was willing to be submissive.    You approached it in your matter-of-fact style you approach everything.   Why do you think that was?

Mike:  You know my style has been to always try to seek to understand before seeking to be understood.   This was no different.  I really wanted to understand what it all means, what YOU meant by it, and then form my own thoughts and feelings about it. 

Jen:  And once you formed those thoughts and feelings, what did you think?

Mike:  As you know, I was for it.  You were very fervent in your belief on what it could do for you and for us.  It was convincing.   Once I understood what it meant and what it meant to you, then I was able to let my imagination run a bit and think about the possibilities.  Honestly, it was a turn on, but even so, I wasn’t sure how far you really would go with it.

Jen:  That’s my Sir, mister analyze and survey the area before making a decision.

Mike: Yes, and when it comes to our relationship, I think that is why in the past you’ve perceived me as more submissive.  I am not prone to just give you my off the cuff reaction to something.  I’ll hear you out and, because I love you, my inclination is to look for ways to make you happy and have what you want. 

Jen: Has it been difficult to adjust to being Dominant?

Mike:  Yes, but clearly you’ve had to make the far greater adjustment, so, anything I had to adjust to pales in comparison.  

Jen:   Thank you for recognizing that, Sir, but tell me about the adjustments you had to made?

Mike:  It really comes down to having to be more assertive, and when assertive,  I don’t always have time to think through a situation for the length of time as I’ve been accustomed to thinking things through.  And, I don’t always seek understanding when coming to a conclusion.  I simply seek to be understood as quickly and clearly as possible.  It means I have to not only make quick decisions, whether it means to give you quick instructions or a quick punishment, but I have to do so very emphatically and with confidence.  

Jen:  How has that impacted you?

Mike:  It helps in that I know that you know I won’t be perfect.  That the way we structured things allows you to give me feedback and help me know what I need to do better.   At first I needed a lot of validation in what I was doing.  We finally reached a point where I don’t rely on that validation.  I still like to hear it, but it isn’t a requirement anymore.  Early on, I needed you to help guide me so I that I understood that I was actually delivering what you were looking for.

Jen:  And if you have to sum it up, what is it that I was looking for, and still want?

Mike:  You want to truly serve me.  The real me.  Not that version of me that may suppress my inclinations or desires in favor of yours, but the actual me.  And I learned that it is okay if I am irrational at times, as that is part of being human.  For some time I had this thought that you would think less of me if I asked you to do something or if I did something to you that you didn’t like.  It took me some time to know that you wanted me to show you all of myself, all of my thoughts and desires, and that you were completely willing to fulfill them.   When I think of how I was prior to DD, I think part of what you were missing is that I wasn’t giving you all of me.  It seems odd, but, by you giving all of yourself, it has made me reveal all of myself.   You know every impulse I have, and you not only accept them, but you embrace them.  I am very lucky to have you.

Jen:  Aw, shucks.  Thank you, Sir.   How would you sum up our differences?

Mike:  That’s easy, I’ve said it many times before.  I was raised to value planning.  I thought things through, planned what I was going to do, and then executed the plan.  I did this to avoid mistakes in life.
You, on the other hand, were raised that if you aren’t making enough mistakes in life, you aren’t living.   That’s what always attracted me to you.  Much more impulse, less thinking.  While it is still my nature to be planning oriented, you’ve helped me be more spontaneous and less concerned with negative consequences.  Our DD has taken that to another level, especially our evolution towards a more D/s relationship.   And it has influenced me outside the house.  At work I am far more decisive and commanding.  While I’ve been in a leadership role for most of my career, I believe I am far more effective now than say two years ago.   

Jen:  So you are more dominant at work?

Mike:  No, I wouldn’t call my style more dominant, just more decisive.  I am deciding things faster and more decisively than before.   I still get all the appropriate inputs, but I don’t dwell on them for as long.

Jen:  What do you like most about our DD?

Mike:  Honestly, I do enjoy the control.  Who wouldn’t?   It is empowering to be given such control over someone.  But it isn’t the control itself, it is the fact that you wanted to give it to me.  In other words, it isn’t my dominance that I like the most, it is your submissiveness.  I also enjoy the intimacy.  The intimacy that has resulted in both of us fully revealing ourselves to each other, but also the specific physical intimacy of the punishments and the sex.

Jen:  Talk about the sex.  How is it different now?

Mike:  If you are just talking about the two of us, it is just far more passionate and physical.  We have freed ourselves of anything that could possibly hold us back.  We ask for and receive whatever we want.  That’s pretty amazing. 

Jen:  What about sex with John and Donna?  How do you feel about that?

Mike:  I am fine with it.  I don’t give it much more thought than if you enjoyed spending time with them just talking and having a barbecue.   I want you to enjoy yourself, and sex is just another way to do that.  It turns me on that you are sexual and that you like sex.   I enjoy watching you enjoy yourself and I enjoy knowing you are enjoying yourself, even if I am not there.   It doesn’t minimize your love for me or negatively impact our love in any way. 

Jen:  Had you had thoughts of sharing me with others before?

Mike:  I don’t think of it as sharing you.  Maybe more of allowing you to share yourself.  And, no, other than fantasies of threesomes – which I thought would never actually happen – it hadn’t even been something that came to mind before. 

Jen:  Does it surprise you that basically you and I are now swingers, albeit with just John and Donna?

Mike:  Hell yes.  Don’t really need to elaborate on that.  I am very surprised.  But in a good way.

Jen:  Are there things you wish I would do better?

Mike:  Yes, and we have talked about this before.  I wish you would rest more.  I like the fact you keep the house immaculate, but frankly I don’t mind if you skipped dusting or vacuuming here and there.  The reason I don’t decree that you rest is because you make it clear you enjoy it and want to maintain responsibility for doing it.   Although, I do give you permission to take time off now and then.

Jen:  Yes you do, and I appreciate it.  Speaking of which, it’s been awhile since I had a spa day, Sir.

Mike:  But aren’t those special days special because I surprise you with them?  Where’s the surprise if you have to ask for them.

Jen:  Yes, Sir, I understand.   Just sayin’.

Mike:   Noted.

Jen:  Are there sexual things for us that you are looking forward to exploring?

Mike:  Yes, but nothing specific.  Just knowing we practically have no boundaries is what excites me.   Right now we are both good with our routine and our time with John and Donna.  We haven’t sought out anything more.  We did attend those two FetLife functions some months ago, and perhaps we will get back to that, but, there isn’t this pressing feeling that we need to push those limits right now. 

Jen:  You aren’t’ giving my readers anything spicy, Sir.

Mike:  Okay then.  I’ll share a fantasy with them that I’ve shared with you.   It is you, tied up naked with many people watching as one or more from the crowd, male and female, come up and use you sexually and when they are done, others step up and continue.

Jen:   What would you put the likelihood on that happening some day?

Mike:   What’s the likelihood you would do it?

Jen:  100% if it is what you wanted, Sir.

Mike:   I thought so.  Actually, I’d put the chances at very slim.  It would take knowing a lot more people who were into such things and with us being as comfortable with them as we are with John and Donna.  I don’t see it happening, but I guess you never know.  I never thought that one day I’d be spanking you.

Jen:  Do you have a favorite spanking implement?

Mike:  My hand is my favorite.  Far more control and much more intimate.  I like the tawse and I like the wide paddles.  In order I would say I enjoy the ones that cause you to make more sounds – more grunts and moans, and the ones that make louder sounds when they impact, and by the marks they leave.

Jen:  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share your thoughts today Sir.

Mike:  No problem.  By the way, you asked me several questions without calling me “Sir”

Jen:  (drops pants and bends over).

NEXT:  75.  Public Display of Submission.

 

48. Birth of a Dom. Backstory.

This post belongs with the post “47. Birth of a Dom.”   You should read that one up to the point it links you to this post, prior to reading this one.     

Here is an example of events from the last two days living under my Attitude Adjustment.

We woke up.  He and I exchanged “good mornings” and he immediately corrected me.   “It’s good morning, Sir.   That will be an Immediate Reward.  Stay where you are.” (Which was in bed, on my belly, and already naked).   He got up and pulled the covers off.  I didn’t count but figure he gave me about 25 and they were very firm ones by hand.   Per our Contract, Immediate Rewards are delivered quickly and without warm ups.  He then asks me why I received the Reward and I replied, “I forgot to say ‘Sir’, Sir.”

With that he gave me about another 25 very firm ones, again by hand.  This is all keeping with how Immediate Rewards are administered per the Contract.  Spanking, state the reasons for it, then final spanking.  There was appropriate after care and that was that.

Then it was on to the Calisthenics of Doom
As per our morning ritual under our “Attitude Adjustment” period, I got out of bed and immediately dropped to the floor into “push-up” position ready to receive another spanking.  However, Mike had a twist.  Normally the “push up” spankings are where I am in the push up position while he spanks me, I don’t actually do push-ups.  If my knees touch, the spanking starts over.  This time he told me I had to actually do a push up between spankings.  I am not in the greatest shape, plus I am getting spanked, so 10 is not that easy for me, especially when he is spanking me slowly and I have to hold the position a long time.  He used his belt.  The first time I got to 7 and then barely touched the floor with a knee.  The second time and third time I only got to 5.  After that my arms were getting tired.  I only made it to four, then to just three.  That’s 24 spankings!   He said I would get another 24 since I couldn’t finish.  He had me get up and bend over and hold my ankles.  If I let go, the 24 would start over.  This time he used the new 12’ oak paddle with holes and was striking fairly firmly and rapidly.

This paddle is not too bad but he was doing them quickly so the stings rapidly multiplied, and keep in mind I already received 50 by hand and 24 with the belt.  I had to use our safe word to take a pause a little more than half-way through.  I regained myself and made it through the rest without incident.  He said that each morning would be like this until I could make it through the 10 push-ups.  Suffice to say, I willed myself through all 10 push-ups every day since.

Once the push-ups were done, it was on to the Jumping Jacks.  This is where he puts these nipple clamps on me that are a little heavy and I have to do 10 jumping jacks in a row.  The jumping jacks will stop if I can’t make it to 10, but then I earn 10 spankings for every jumping jack I didn’t do.  I have never made it past 5 before as the heavy clamps are just too much.    Anyway, after already being spanked very firmly 98 times now, I was going to try my best to get all the way to 10.  I made it to 8, a personal best, before I just had to put my arms down and grab my bend over from the pain.  Mike then told me to bend over and rest my elbows on the bed to, “Get the 20 I owed him.”   A term he hadn’t used before.   This time he used a rubber paddle, that is sort of half-way like a wooden paddle and half-way like a strap, but the texture seems to have more of a bite as it always makes me a bit raw.

That’s 118 spankings to start the morning.  That got the heart pumping and blood flowing better than a triple expresso, with the added pain/pleasure of my ass pulsating throughout breakfast.

Once the calisthenics were done, I got up and immediately got out the tack bra and put it on, as expected of me during this Attitude Adjustment period.

Now let me digress a bit about the bra. . .

I’ll get back to the experience that morning in a moment, but first want to relate what happened the day before regarding the bra.  After several inspections of my breasts upon removing the bra, Mike decided they weren’t poking me enough.  I would have little red dots here and there, and a few light scratches here and there, but he felt that didn’t reflect a very high level of discomfort.  Hate to admit it, but he was right.  While I was always feeling their presence, they only a minor nuisance except for an occasional poke when I would reach up, or bend a certain way, or if something pressed up against my chest.  The tacks were not in very firmly so there was some give to them.   While that was good from a poking perspective, it did mean they would sometimes shift to the side and scrape instead of poke.  They did actually stick me sometimes where I have pull them out, but they don’t go deep.  I never drew blood.

After his inspection Mike added 10 more tacks to each cup, making it 45 in each and even carefully lined some up to come out at around my nipples – an area I had purposely avoided putting any.  Once he made the adjustment I found it was just too much on my sensitive nipples and one was really sticking one of my nipples.  My dilemma was what to say to him.  While I can’t complain, I am compelled to be honest and to share what I am feeling, so, with that I said as matter-of-factly as possible,

“Sir, while they can stay if you want them do, the tacks near my nipples are proving challenging.   I think my reaction when they poke or scrape will cause our son to ask more questions, and they also may prevent me from doing certain tasks without serious injury.”

There.  I said it without asking him anything or complaining.  Just the facts!  He then gave me a choice.

“Okay Jen, you can adjust them, but first, come here.”

He looked me straight in the eyes as his hands went up my shirt and over my bra.  He firmly squeezed and said, “Count to 10.”

I was shocked as this seemed unnecessary and mean.  I already said they were hard to deal with and I had not even had it on for very long.  Now he presses them into me?

I didn’t argue and started counting.

Once to 10 he said, “Okay, take it off and make your adjustments.”

I took off my shirt and as I removed my bra, there were several that had pierced my skin, enough that when I let go of the bra it stayed pinned to my tits.  He watched as a plucked the three or four that had penetrated each breast and then casually said, “Make your adjustments and get it back on.”

This really shocked me as it seemed punitive and mean.  Had this been prior to our argument I know I would have said something.  I again did my best to dismiss the increasing thoughts I was having that he was just being mean and he must be angry at something.  Despite those feelings I didn’t say anything other than, “Yes, Sir.”

Okay, back to the morning experience.

I put on the bra and we went about our morning routine.  Our son was still asleep so it was just Mike and I that were awake.  I had just made some eggs and was walking the plate over to the table when Mike walked in the kitchen.  Suddenly he took my wrist and walked me to our bathroom.  He had never grabbed me in such a way before.   He had me pull down my pants as he grabbed the hairbrush and gave me 20 quick ones.  It was another Immediate Reward.  ? ? ?   I am supposed to state what I did wrong, but honestly I didn’t know.  That meant another 20 quick ones.  Then Mike explained I had left egg shells in the sink.  I rudely told him that I hadn’t started cleaning yet.

He then told me to bend over and he gave me another 20 quick ones.  At least I was able to explain why.

“I should not have talked back, Sir.”

He lectured and said I am not to create extra work and the moment I put the eggs in the sink I should have made sure they were down the drain and not left them behind for even a minute later.  He then gave me 20 more as the end of the Immediate Reward for the egg shell issue, and then gave me 20 more as the end of the Immediate Reward for talking back.  That’s right, it was 100 with the hairbrush.  I already had 118 to start the morning.  I got the normal aftercare and “all is forgiven” and then he went to have his breakfast.

I was dumfounded, and my ass was sore.  218 in about a thirty minute period is a lot for me, and all of them were very firm ones.  I felt like crying because by this time my suspicions that he was mad were no longer just suspicions.  He had to be mad at me and he had never given punishments before in anger.

When he left for work, it was only about 10 minutes to 8:00.  As part of my “Adjustment,” once he is ready to leave for work I can remove my bra and he will put clips on my nipples.  I have a small, somewhat discreet pair that hide well under the right clothing.  They have a little screw mechanism that tightens or loosens the pinch they can deliver.   When Mike said he was about ready to leave it was my cue to go to the bedroom and remove my shirt and bra and have the clamps in my hand ready to give to Mike.  Mike came in and put the clamps on and gave them a couple of extra twists so they were really tight.  He said, “Since they only have to be on for 10 minutes, they should be extra snug.”   Then he kissed me goodbye and left for work.

I was tempted to loosen them.  Not because it was unbearable, but I felt the entire morning was full of anger and spite on his part, so in spite I should loosen them, or even just remove them.  But I didn’t.  Despite what I was feeling, enough of me was still saying to trust Mike and stick with the program.

I set my alarm on my phone to go off every hour so I can add/remove whatever is required.  I am also required to text Mike with simply, “Made the change.”  Mike did check up on my sometimes, requiring me to Facetime with him and show him that yes, I made the change.  While Mike never set a strict time, he did say that I was not to ever swap items early and could deviate by being late by no more than a “few minutes.”   Other than any Facetime check-in’s this was the honor system, but our DD requires me to be honest, and I am committed to being honest.

That afternoon I had some errands to run and had my son with me.  I was out for a few hours and it was kind of comical as it came time to swap something out.  Finding a restroom is easy enough, but sometimes timing things would be a challenge.  If I had to be in a line that I could tell could take 10 minutes, but only had 5 until “changing” time, do I risk it?  Nope, I’d find some reason to putter around for another five minutes, then have to find the restroom, then got in line.  I had to tell my son my tummy was a bit upset, thus the many bathroom breaks.  I had already told him that my occasional flinch or shriek from the tacks was due to a sore back that would twinge when I moved just right.  Oh the things we have to tell our kids in order to live our DD lifestyle!

So it was about 3:45 and I was ready to head home.  I was about maybe 10 minutes from home, 15 max, so I felt like I could make it home by the 4pm “change.”  It was either that or wait around 15 minutes, find a bathroom, and then leave for home.  I had enough of that and I knew I could make it, so I headed home.

Damn traffic!

There was a stop light that was malfunctioning that caused traffic to back up.  When I got home I rushed to my room and took the clamps off and got my plug in and looked at the time, 4:12.  Not too bad.

I texted Mike, “Change made.”

He texted back, “Coming home now.”

I wasn’t sure if that was in response to me being late, or he was just letting me know he was getting off early.  Given the events of the morning, I was reading anger into his text, so suspected it was the former, not the latter.

When he got home he greeting me and our son as usual.  Some relief on my part, until he whispered in my ear, “You need to go to your room.  I want you naked and kneeling in corner. Lock the door and get up only to let me in.”

When our son is home I don’t undress while waiting for Mike to come to the room to give me a spanking.  This is in case our son happens to walk in the room while I am waiting.   Once Mike is in the room I will disrobe as we will have locked the door.  This was different.  By itself no big deal, but again, it just seemed like he was looking for ways to be mean and mess with routine.

He knocked on the door and I got up and let him in.

He said, “Back to the corner.”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded.

He got out of his work clothes then came out and said 12 minutes late was not acceptable.  At this point I was frustrated with the entire day’s events and had to say something.  I knew I shouldn’t try to make excuses for being late, so I instead just simply said, “Sir, what’s wrong, you seem angry?”

He called me over from the corner and said, “I am not angry, I would never punish you in anger.  Now you know you are not to speak when you are in the corner and you are not to question a punishment.  You have your Maintenance Session on Sunday where you can ask for clarification.   Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded.

“Do you know why you are receiving this Reward,” he asked?

“Yes, Sir, I was late taking the clamps off and putting the plug in.  And I talked while I was in the corner.”

“Correct, that’s two Rewards.  Get the Prison Strap,” he ordered.

He had me lay on my stomach on the bed.   He said these were going to be very hard ones but would just be five.   He went and turned the shower on and the TV on in our room to help muffle the noise.  Thus far we’ve been able to execute all Rewards without raising questions from our son about noise.

While my ass was no longer pulsating for the 218 from the morning, it was still very sensitive.   The first whack caused me to bury my face deep into a pillow, and the second one caused me to scream into the pillow.  Yes, there was pain, but despite what Mike said, I still felt these were angry spankings.  Along with the pain was worry and yes, for the first time ever, a bit of fear.

I got through the five but was crying quite heavily.   Mike told me to stay in the room, get the Wand and masturbate, then shower and relax.  He was going to take our son with him to go pick up dinner and bring it home so I wouldn’t have to cook.

While not having to cook was a nice gesture, I wasn’t in a masturbating mood, but girls, that changes almost instantly when you touch that wonderful wand to your clit.   As lovely as climaxing is, and as relaxing as the shower was, I was still worried about Mike’s behavior.

That evening we had our dinner and I got our son to bed.  When I got out to the living room Mike immediately tells me to go to my room, get naked, and wait for him kneeling in the corner.   I thought, but didn’t say it, “WTF, what now?”   I went to the room, disrobed, and stood in the corner.  He kept me waiting for thirty minutes.

I let him in the room and went back to my corner to await instructions.  He didn’t say anything.  He went to use the bathroom then came out and turned on the TV and watched for another fifteen minutes or so.   My knees were hurting as our hard floors are not ideal for extended kneeling.

Finally he turns off the TV and calls me over.  He didn’t ask me why I was about to be punished, as he clearly knew I had no clue.

He said, “Since I’ve been home you’ve been sulking. Your blank stares and expressionless responses to things are displeasing to me.  No doubt you are aware, as I am sure your ass is fully aware as well, that I have been strict lately.  Did you think I would let that sulking go unpunished?”

“No, sir,” I replied.

“Well, I will let it go.  I will make this one last exception.  Let me explain.”

? ? ? I was perplexed? ? ?

Return to 47. Birth of Dom

NEXT: 49. Revealing More

47. Birth of a Dom

As with many posts, to fully understand some of my references you may want to refresh yourself with my Contract, especially regarding Immediate Rewards and our Rewards Ceremony, and be aware of our temporary Attitude Adjustment reminders.

This is a long post, which I really try to avoid, but I think it has something for those that like the added insights, context, and emotions, and for those that like the saucy spanking stories.

I’ve created a Dominant!  As my Domestic Discipline has become more focused on Service and Submission and as I become more submissive, it stands to reason my husband therefore has become more Dominant.   Recent events made the transition official.

Let me preface this by saying that there are likely some of you in a D/s relationship who wouldn’t identify what we are doing as D/s.  I get it.  Labels can be difficult to affix to any relationship, as there are likely many inconsistencies you can find with any label you use for your relationship, but ultimately you settle on the one that seems to be the most consistent, but not exact.   I still think of TTWD as DD, and probably will for some time, but clearly, there is a march towards a more D/s relationship as evidenced by what I am sharing today.

Our recent Argument marked a transition from Mike taking his lead from me, where he responds to my duties and obligations, to one where he simply takes the lead, and creates my duties and obligations. The bit of irony in this is that a lot of the behaviors Mike exhibits are the same ones I used to call our neighbor a jerk for doing to his wife.  Of course, that was before I knew they had their own version of DD, D/s, M/s going on.  It may sound like I don’t like this transition in Mike, but far from it.  I am just pointing out that bit of irony.  Something I once saw in someone as “jerkiness,” I now see in my husband as loving – and in fact, I want it and crave it from him.

Here’s what happened:

If you’ve read most of journey you know I often refer to this as “My version of DD” and that “my DD” is all about me.  That’s been very true.  Mike has followed my lead when it comes to setting rules and punishments.  It wasn’t lost on me that when I asked him to come up with ideas for the “Attitude Adjustments” that he came up with all of them without my input.  And he didn’t present them as options or in a way that conveyed they were up for discussion.  He just said what they were going to be and that was that.  I really liked that!

What I didn’t like was that he has been very strict with me since implementing those “adjustments.” I’ve received countless more punishments over the last few days and at first began to feel there was an overtone of anger or resentment coming from Mike.    I’ve learned to dismiss those feelings in the past as his intentions have always been nothing more than loving when it comes to our DD.  If you read other stories, hopefully you see just how true that is.  However, it got to the point that it was getting hard for me to dismiss those feelings.

To keep this post short, I created a separate post that gives you an example of the events of the last few days.    Click here to read about those last few days.  
If you want to skip the details (those that like punishment stories should not skip), read on now. If you are returning from reading the details, welcome back!
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Mike:  “I was going to wait until your Maintenance Session to explain, but I just couldn’t let you go on feeling what I can see in your eyes that you are feeling.  So, I decided we will have that talk now.”

He said he feels he has “consistently been inconsistent” since we started DD, and part of that is because he was always trying to follow what I explicitly wanted.  Even though the contract gave him a lot of latitude, if there was some behavior that wasn’t explicitly in the contract, he would either let it go, or get clarification from me first.  He said the reason he knew the contract so well was because he read it a thousand times.  He always wanted to make sure he was only doing what I wanted.  He told me that he has come to believe that what I now truly wanted was not for him to just follow my lead, but to actually just lead.  That meant he needed to go beyond just seeing if I failed to meet my own expectations, and then tying MY intended consequence to that transgression.  He had to actually set his own expectations of me and set my consequences.

He explained it best something like this,

“Think of it this way, Jen.   You expect ‘x’ of yourself and if you don’t do ‘x’ you have asked me to deliver the “y” as a consequence.   What did I bring to that event?  Just my body to give a punishment.  Not my mind, not my feelings, not my expectations.  That has worked up until recently, especially because I had no idea what I was doing at first or what it was you really wanted.  But we have both grown to a new level of understanding about what our DD means to us and how to use it, and you have grown to want more service and submission.  I believe in order to truly serve and submit the way you now want and need it, we need to change the equation.  The equation should be, I expect ‘x’ of you and if you don’t do ‘x’ then I deliver whatever “y” consequence I deem appropriate.”

Wow.  Yes, he was asking to lead.  He was asking to be Dominant.

He asked, “So, is that what you want from me?”

“Yes, Sir, absolutely,” I answered enthusiastically.

“So how am I doing,” he asked?

“Wonderfully.” And with a slight pause I added with the tone of a verbal approving wink, “Sir.”

We talked some more and at least for now, no dramatic changes in my rules, just a strict enforcement.  With that he said my “Adjustment” period was over and he said, “That doesn’t mean we get rid of the tack bra.  In fact, I want you to use your sewing and craft skills to make a better one.  That’s your first new order.”

“Yes, Sir!”

Next:  48. Birth of Dom. Back story.  If you didn’t read it, you can read it now!