261. A bit more Kayla

I left a bit of a cliffhanger with inference there is a disturbance in the DD force with Mike and I.  I will get to that in my next post – promise!  I was re-reading my prior posts and felt I left a bit out that I want to add regarding Kayla. 

HOW DOES KAYLA FIT IN TO OUR EQUITY? 
We weren’t looking for a relationship with Kayla, and it wasn’t like we were “needing” it.  But our willingness to continually put our equity into our relationship means our relationship is open to so many new and wonderful things.

To re-visit my prior analogy, our marriage is not a closed box containing the two of us, it has a door and windows, and if someone rings the doorbell, we check out who it is.  Maybe, just maybe, they get invited in.  Some temporarily, like John, Donna, and Matt.  Some..or make that one, stay indefinitely, like Kayla.

And what does it mean to have Kayla as part of my relationship with Mike….well, not just a relationship, but a marriage?

We both feel strongly connected to Kayla.  She is part of us. “Us” in my marriage is three.  I shared some of the things we have done to further “bond” her to “us.”  Here are a few more things –

SOME SIMPLE THINGS
Public displays of affection — holding hands, putting arms around each other, or even the quick little pecks on the lips.  Yeah, they happen, whether Mike and her, or me and her, or the three of us.  Pda’s can happen, but generally aren’t in our nature, so not a lot of that, but, they aren’t forbidden.  Both Mike and I try to do it a little more with Kayla, as it is a simple gesture to show her we aren’t hiding her.

It also isn’t uncommon you hear us use various terms of endearment here and there… a “luv” here, a “babe” there, or even a “sweetie” at times.  Any one of us may be directing it at any one else.  It has even been a bit funny when someone says something and throws in a “babe” and the other two are like, “which babe are you talking to?”

SOME SEXY THINGS
Of course there is also the sex.  Kayla sleeps in our bed all the time now.  Sex is an every night thing.  Sometimes it can be more Mike and Kayla or more Mike and me, or more Kayla and I…it simply is whatever it evolves to be for the night.  I do love watching the two of them.  There are times I tell Mike I am fine with just the two of them having sex and I will just watch and masturbate.

We still have our one night a week alone with Mike.  Kayla or I sleep in the guest room on alternate weeks on the nights the other one has their date night with Mike.  Mike occasionally gives Kayla and I our own night out as well and he sleeps in the guest room.  It’s nice we all get to pair up and have our own one-on-one time.  We also all three go out on occasion when we have someone to stay with J.

SOME FURNITURE THINGS
And as part of her moving her things into our room, we went shopping this week for new sheets and bedspread and we let her pick it out.  We also got a new dresser that better compliments our decor so that Kayla could move all of her stuff into our room.  Another little thing we did is that instead of  “Kayla’s dresser” and “Jen’s dresser,” we alternated the drawers such that some of our stuff is in each dresser.  No “her’s” and “mine.”

Lastly we made room for her knick-knacks and some pictures.  Overall the feel is probably still a bit more Mike’s and I age, but it clearly has a Kayla touch.

SOME D/s THINGS
I find happiness in Kayla’s happiness and in all her growth and happiness our relationship has brought her.   Further, I am so proud of Mike of finding it within himself to be able to give Kayla what she needs and desires – even when those things differ from what I need and desire.  It can’t be easy to deal with two women who have different needs – but it sure helps when, in our case, the two women share a #1 need of pleasing him.

Their D/s has continued to evolve and has a lot more M/s elements to it.  I joke that Kayla doesn’t breath without Mike’s permission.  That’s an obvious overstatement, but, there isn’t much she can do without his permission or command.  From speaking when he is around, to eating, to using the restroom – you can pretty much name it.  

EQUITY IN OUR MARRIAGE
Overall our “open” marriage means we were open to all the things that we have subsequently experienced since adopting DD. 

• Open to people – obviously the deep relationship with Kayla, and the sexual/friendship relationships with John, Donna, and Matt. 
• Open to life –  Our recent adoption of nudism is a good example of us finding something we weren’t even looking for.

EQUITY FOR KAYLA?
How does Kayla feel about her relationship with Mike and I?  I shared that she is happy and fulfilled, but what specifically does she find fulfilling.  I asked her.

In Mike – she admits there is a bit of a fulfilling father-figure to him.  His intense interest in who she is and how she feels, and his eagerness, not just willingness, to focus on her needs.  She felt these things even when she was a little girl, and those feelings ended up serving as the foundation for her puppy love to become amorous and more.

She loves serving him, and craves his approval.  At first it devastated her when he disapproved of something (punished her).  That’s why she use to be a big crier.  But she quickly learned that the thrill of doing better, serving him better, and being the person she desires to be, all make the punishments worth it.  She learned they didn’t mark a failure as much as mark an opportunity. 

She still tends to be a bit of crier, but she says her tears are different.  They are often out of immense thankfulness and joy.  A recognition that she is worthy of his guidance, expectations, and love.  I know that phrase probably sickens those who are unfamiliar with DD or D/s.  But I completely understand why she feels that way. 

In me – Kayla also admits I serve a a bit of a mother figure to her, more so than she says Mike serves as a father figure.  Probably because she feels a bit closer to her own father than her own mother.   Kayla says she yearned for a mother figure. Someone to show pride when she did well, give unconditional acceptance, even when she did “dumb shit” as she puts it.  Someone who cares when she suffered and who not only made efforts to help her feel better, but whose efforts actually succeeded in doing so.

Yeah, basically all the stuff a mom would do, she said she got that from me. And like with Mike, those things preceded our “adult’ relationship.  We were those things to her when she was 11, 12, 13, etc.  Again, all serving as a foundation for a love that eventually turned amorous.      

And just to clarify, Kayla said while she feels “let down” by her parents, they were not abusive in the typical meaning of the word.  Numb, not caring, not nurturing, yes – so she feels fortunate they were not abusive other than the abuse of disinterest.

WHAT NEXT?
Who knows what’s next…or even if there is a next.  But whether or not there is, or whatever it may be, I know we are receptive to exploration – so much so that if only one of us wants to explore, they are free to do so, without the others.

I believe the roles, responsibilities, and relationships that Mike and I have, with each other and with others, is highly equitable.  But, what if Mike or I wanted something that wasn’t equitable?   See that?  A nice segue into what I alluded to in the prior post regarding DD sympatico. . .  Next post, I promise!

257. More Kayla

I provided a “Matt update’ on my last post and thought it fitting to share a “Kayla update.”  It’s beyond just an update about her – it includes a significant update about us!

She completed her first year of grad school with excellent grades – and a year from now will be plunged into her working years.  Kayla had just turned 22 when she moved in with us. She is now 23 (and half, ha).   Normally you stop counting half years when what, you are about 10 or 11?  Well, I mention it because while a year-and-a-half seems like a short amount of time, for Kayla, every month marked a time of tremendous personal growth – so that “half” is very important. 

KAYLA RISING
She is different.  Outwardly you can see it.  She wasn’t overweight but has lost some weight and is quite toned (thanks to a steady exercise regimen).  It is more than just firmness and curves – the once wallflower now exudes self-confidence.  Her dress also matches this new persona, perhaps in part due to a mandated dress code that ditched the baggy t-shirts for skirts and dresses, but she has grown to love her wardrobe and despite its mandate, it reflects and celebrates who she has become.   

And more importantly, inwardly you can see it.  She is more outspoken – yes, even as a submissive. Submissive doesn’t mean silent.  She communications her feelings and views – again, you could say it is due in part from this being mandated as part of our rules (and frankly, is just part of our family culture), but it too has become her.  Her fear of rejection is gone.      

She was already wise for her age at 21-22.  And now at 23, she really has a great grasp on making choices that fulfill her in healthier ways.  She has applied all the new things she has learned about herself and has shown that she just doesn’t need as much advice.  Not to say that she doesn’t ask – it is just less so.   

She has a great group of friends of her own, and continues to be an important and loved member of our household.  She is also thriving as a submissive – she will do anything for Mike.  You can see the yearning in her to please him and how fulfilling it is for her to do so.  And her and I have a great, loving relationship.  

I don’t discipline her as we have made it a point for me not to be her disciplinarian.  And while at first she still highly deferred to me, there is less and less of that.  And that is by design, from both of us.  Part of it was she knew she was the “outsider” coming into “my house,” so she showed deference out of respect.  As she saw she was not only being accepted, but that her thoughts and wishes were valued by me, she learned she didn’t need to defer.     

I feel her relationship with Mike suits both her and Mike well.  She craves submission, specifically from Mike, but frankly, she has a need for it to come from a man.  It simply doesn’t serve her needs to be submissive to me (nor does it serve mine).  Simply put, our three-way relationship has evolved to meet all our needs — and that is how relationships should evolve, else you discover that aren’t fulfilling and realize it is time to move on. 

Kayla recognizes the changes in her and is quick to express her gratitude for how we have helped her.  She tells me that she is specifically grateful to me for giving her opportunities to explore her relationship with Mike, independent of me, as well as allowing her “equal input” on various things that come up.  Not that she always gets her way, but she always feels heard and validated by me. 

I think it was very important for her to get that from another woman.  Although my relationship with her started out with me being somewhat of a mother figure to her, it has evolved beyond that.  She doesn’t need mothering any more.  She is a fully functional, confident, vibrant, and flourishing adult.  

I love this!  The purpose of all my advice was not to clip her wings and make her dependent,  it was to strengthen her wings so she can soar on her own – and she is soaring.

TELLING HER PARENTS / TELLING ALL
I don’t think I shared this before, but if I did, I don’t think I wrote much about it.  Kayla has told her parents about her relationship with Mike and I.  They weren’t thrilled, but they apparently took it well.  They already knew Kayla was bisexual, so that wasn’t new to them. 

I’ve shared that Mike and I are now in the open about Kayla – and we are now 100% open.  Family, friends, anyone!  Not that we ran and told people, but, as the situation warrants, we explain it.  For instance, Mike didn’t announce it to all his coworkers, but he did tell a few of them and told them it wasn’t any secret – so I am sure his entire office knows.

This “telling all” had a tremendous impact on Kayla.  Being unable to proclaim our love for each other can really take a toll.  It would be awkward in social situations for her to have to be on alert to make sure she “played the friend” versus the lover.  No more.

THE FUTURE?
When Kayla first moved in we talked about her living with us while she finished grad school and then she would move on into full independent adulthood.

With just a year to go before she finishes school, Kayla got to thinking about what she would be doing a year from now.  She said she was nervous to share with us what was on her mind.  She told us that she wants to stay with us, indefinitely.

We welcomed her declaration!

DEFINING OUR RELATIONSHIP – CEREMONY
Her commitment to us is that she is dedicated to our relationship, not due to a sense of obligation, but due to the love she feels from us and towards us.  Dedicated, in our relationship, doesn’t mean exclusive, as she is open to dating again, but is not actively looking to do so.

We subsequently talked about having a ceremony, honoring our commitment and recognizing her position in our relationship (my idea, and Mike agreed).  Nothing over the top – not like a formal ceremony – basically a party where we make an extended toast/declaration regarding our relationship.  So yeah, like a ceremony. 

Beyond this “ceremony,” we are also taking a few other steps as ways to show a greater committment between the three of us.    

FINANCES
We are combining finances.  I can hear the “uh-oh” coming from some of you.  Once you talk money in a relationship things can get a bit wonky.   But, she is either part of our family or isn’t, and as far as we are concerned, she is.  And actually, it is a bit anti-climatic because as part of her submission she gave up choices in spending her money.  Mike already monitors and controls her spending.   

I shared a bit about how we manage our finances in Post 181. Domestic Financial Discipline.   Kayla will now be on our “day-to-day account” and any money she has to deposit will go into the “bills account.”   She isn’t working right now, but does get a little money each month from her dad to help with living expenses – he promised her he would continue to do that as long as she was going to school, and, he is also paying for her schooling.

Kayla had been paying us rent, because she insisted on doing so. She will no longer do that.  All her money simply goes into our account and her and I have a budget on what we can spend – and we have to get Mike’s permission for anything beyond things like food or gasoline.   The end result is that there really isn’t any change in how she spends her money – and it wasn’t like she was building a savings of any kind.  It’s not like her dad is giving her a lot of money – just enough to get by.

BEDROOM
I have shared before that Kayla’s bedroom is basically part of our master bedroom.  When we had the house built we had an option of putting a door to one of the bedrooms either in the hall or, where a wall would have been in our master bedroom.  We opted for access via the master bedroom.  It was great when the room served as a nursery, and we felt at some point it would be converted into a sitting room or office.  It makes the master suite seem really huge as you open these double doors to this small entry way.  To your your left is another door to this “hidden” bedroom, and to your right is a door to the actual master bedroom.

Even though the three of us have been sharing the same bed for some time, there was still this visual of “Kayla’s bedroom” versus “our” (Mike and I) bedroom.  And it was also part of our vocabulary.  These visual and those words are powerful and aren’t reflective of our true relationship.

Thus, Mike is moving his home office into what was Kayla’s bedroom and the master is officially “ours” (Mike, me, and Kayla).  The room currently serving as Mike’s office will be a guest room.  A bonus of my dress code is that I pared down my wardrobe such that our master closet has a lot of room.  Kayla’s stuff fit nicely in it.  Even though we haven’t yet moved any furniture, we did move her things into our closet.  That gesture seems small but was extremely powerful – as we hung her last bit of clothing, Kayla began to cry — tears of joy.  This symbolic gesture means a lot to her, and to us.

COMMITMENT
What this all comes down to is that we are all in a committed relationship.  We understand that our commitment is no more permanent than commitments made in any other type of relationship.  Unmarried people living together can split up and married people can divorce — but those possibilities don’t lessen their commitment. 

Kayla can leave at any time, but that doesn’t lessen her commitment.  However, because it is so easy for her to break off from us, it is important to her, and to us, to go out of our way to demonstrate a deeper commitment.  It can’t be a wedding ring, but, we can stop hiding the role she has in our lives and we can look for subtle, but powerful, ways to demonstrate commitment. 

Our “commitment party”  is one such way.  Combining the finances is another.  There are some other ways as well, but I don’t want to share those just yet.

THE FUTURE BEYOND THAT?
While Kayla expressed her desire to be committed beyond the end of her schooling, let’s face it, she is 23, Mike and I are closing in on our 50’s.   As much growing Kayla has done from 21-23, she may continue to rapidly evolve from 23-25.  What does the 25-year old Kayla need compared to what our relationship provides?  What of the 27-year old Kayla?  30?

We talked about this and all agreed that, just like any other relationship, if it reaches a point it is no longer fulfilling, whether it be because priorities change, people change, or whatever the cause — well, that’s when you re-evaluate.  And hopefully we are all loving enough to not take offense if that were to occur.  In our case, it is not only understandable, but somewhat predictable.  We recognize our age differences may eventually matter.  Kayla may meet someone she wants to marry, she may want a child, she may yearn to be on her own.  All normal things a 20-something could want and all things that may be difficult for our relationship to support.

We aren’t looking for a lifetime commitment.  That would be silly and put unnecessary pressure on everyone.   Beyond a dedication to each other, we are dedicated and committed to the principles we have established as the ground rules for our household.  Those principles demand that if Kayla reaches a point where she yearns for something the relationship can’t provide, she is encouraged. . . no, she is required, to not allow the relationship to get in the way of her fulfillment.  Further, if (when) it comes to that point, we are required to support her.

Next: 258. Planning Immersion III – Surprise, surprise, surprise

253. What to title this one?

Uh, I cover a couple of different things in this post and struggled with a title.  What do you think of my solution?

I wrote in my last post about Matt inviting me to go to the coast with him.   When the idea first came up and Mike said he wanted me to go, I was very quick with a “Yes, Sir.”  It was more out of habit than out of a desire to go.  When I gave it some thought, I realized I would rather be at T1’s for the weekend than with Matt.  (Per my last post, we spent almost every weekend in May helping out at T1’s new house).  I like Matt, but I enjoy my family more, and have really enjoyed the time with T1, E, and her cousin’s family.

MIKE WANTS ME TO GO
I was going to ask Matt to reschedule our trip, but, before I could do that Mike said something that made me reconsider.  Mike mentioned how he thought it would be good for me to have that extended time with Matt and that it would be good for Kayla to have some time around family without me there.

“Without me there!” I imagine that sounds harsh.  It isn’t in the context from which I knew he was speaking.  Although we are no longer hiding our relationship with Kayla, it is easy for her to be made to feel like a “third wheel” or somehow in a “second class” relationship to what Mike and I have.

Don’t get me wrong – Mike and I have been married 26 years and what Kayla has with him and with me is nothing compared to our marriage.  No matter what any of us do, nothing will change the fact that the relationship Mike and I have trumps any relationship any of us have with anyone else.  (ug, you know, I don’t think I can ever use the word “trump” again.  It no longer connotes “rank above” and simply connotes “rank” – as in the slang meaning of something horrible, disgusting, and sick).  I digress.

My point is the unbreakable and enduring relationship Mike and I have doesn’t need to be rubbed in Kayla’s face.  And she deserves the opportunity to explore facets of her relationship with Mike in ways that don’t always involve me.  Mike and I have often talked about this and is why we have designated date nights with him and that Kayla sometimes goes with him on business trips.  And at least once a month Kayla and I go out on an official “date.”  We both love Kayla and want her to feel wanted, appreciated, and loved.

It is in THAT context that I fully understood what Mike was saying.  Thus, I decided that my desires to be at T1’s were less important than my desire to give that experience to Kayla.  Kayla deserves the opportunity to experience Mike’s attention and affection around family without me there and when else might that opportunity come?

It made me feel good knowing that I was not only going with Matt because it was what Mike wished (and doing as he wishes always tickles my special spot), but I was also doing it for Kayla, who I love and care about.  On top of all of that, I enjoy my time with Matt and a weekend at the coast with no kids or worries?  Well, duh!   Sign me up!

MY WEEKEND WITH MATT
It was fun.  My mind drifted at times back to Mike and the family, but I took advantage of my time away.  I got a massage, got some sun, and of course, Matt and I had lots of sex.

The more time I spend with Matt the more I have realized something.  I wish he was more different from Mike.  In some ways he has the same easy-going personality.  They share a similar demeanor.  I mean, if I am going to explore outside my marriage, I kind of wish I was exploring vastly different terrain.  Not to say they are totally alike – but still. 

I enjoy my time with Matt but I wouldn’t say I love him.  Fond of him, yes.  But love?  No.  And we have talked about this.  We joke that in some ways were are glorified fuck-buddies (Mike allowed me to include that since that is indeed factual – we do joke about that).  It is more than just sex, but perhaps not by much!  Ha.   Anyway, as long as Matt and I are on the same page about it, and Mike as well, then it is all good.  

DAD, IS KAYLA YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
So how did that weekend without me go at T1’s?   It went great.   Mike was outwardly affection with Kayla…holding hands, quick little pecks on the lips, and of course the sleeping arrangement included them sleeping together.  It prompted J to ask, “Dad, is Kayla your girlfriend?”

While we haven’t been hiding things from J, we never blatantly told him anything like we did with T1, T2, and others.  We felt simply letting things “be” and allowing his awareness to evolve was a better approach then sitting him down and telling him about it.  Telling him something is always like a line in the sand for him.  Had we just told him, it would be like, “before we talked, Kayla was just Kayla, but as of this moment, it has changed, and she is now our girlfriend.”  

It would have been jarring for him.  His mind would have tried to fill in any uncertainty about what “girlfriend” meant.  This lack of sureness would have been very anxiety inducing (I’ve written about his special needs).   Thus, it was simply better for him to witness and experience what it means for us to love Kayla before actually putting a label on it.  Applying a label to something he already knows and has experienced is a clarifying event, versus the anxiety inducing event of hearing the label and being left to wonder what that label really means.

So what did Mike say?  Mike told him, “Yes, she is mom and dad’s girlfriend.  We both love her very much.”  To that, J just said, “Okay, I thought so.”  And that was it.  And believe me, if J had any unresolved emotions he would make it abundantly clear.  And while he doesn’t always clearly verbalize his emotions,  what he can’t verbalize will manifest itself in a variety of neurotic ways.  And Mike said he was not only fine in his response, but remained calm and happy the entire weekend.

An interesting aside is that J didn’t question my love for Kayla – he wasn’t thrown by Kayla being my girlfriend too.  However, he probably didn’t fully connect the dots about what that means about my sexuality.  We aren’t going to connect them until he presents them for connection.  I suspect that realization will come soon enough, but again, it will be in the context of what he has witnessed and experienced regarding a warm, loving, and fun relationship and not just some label.  

Of course, some of J’s happiness may be in that J is in love for the first time — with E’s 11 year-old niece!   But that’s a whole other story and post!   And it is rated PG!  I felt compelled to state that right away.  The thought of letting the imagination run wild for some of you kinky f’s is just not acceptable when my child is concerned!   

Of course, when it comes to anything about me, or Mike and I, well, feel free to imagine away!

Next:  254. Dating: Teens/pre-teen? Nudism? Disability? ???

249. Sometimes Reminders don’t have to be Spankings

About a year ago Mike and I added to our regular Sunday sessions by holding a second weekly Maintenance Session on Thursdays.   It was the result of my need for some added focus after a string of submissive fails.  What started as temporary, became permanent and we added them to our latest contract.

Mike asked me how I felt about changing the focus of the Thursday sessions as it seemed to him they served their intended purpose and perhaps weren’t needed.  I agreed they were no longer influencing my focus, which has been consistently strong and I asked what he had in mind as I would hope we would continue to have this second touch point — and I don’t mean the cane touching my butt, I mean Mike and I discussing our D/s, hee hee.   

UPDATED THURSDAY MAINTENANCE
The end result is Mike decided to change our Thursday sessions, for now.  I will no longer be caned to start and open the session, and my “unsubmissive” journal, where I write down unsubmissive thoughts, will be part of my normal journal and reviewed at our Sunday session.  

Instead, he wants to use this time for a “family” meeting with both Kayla and I.  This gives us a scheduled time to focus on our collective relationship – discuss how things were going, how we were feeling, and just keep us all collectively in sync.

I love this idea.  We kind of do this already at night, but only in short bites and not always consistently.  Some times you just want to have sex and go to sleep and don’t want to discuss concerns or stresses or be a downer to end the day.  These Thursday sessions will be great.  I just didn’t realize how great!

OUR FIRST NEW THURSDAY MAINTENANCE SESSION
Kayla and I undressed and Mike remained clothed, as is customary for a Maintenance.
There wasn’t the customary spanking that begins our sessions.  He had two chairs arranged facing the chair he would sit in.  The three of us sat down.  Kayla and I weren’t certain what to expect since this was new to all of us.  It quickly became clear that Mike new what he expected.

We were both sitting in front of him and Mike said, “I want the two of you to follow the instructions I am going to give you.  Don’t do anything other than what I ask. Understood?.”

“Yes, Sir,” we said in unison. 

SO.  LET’s TALK.
Mike calmly said, “Kayla, kiss Jen.  No, don’t put your hand on her, just reach over and give her a kiss on her lips.”   

“Again.”  

“Now Jen, kiss Kayla. . . one more time.  Okay.  Now, I want you start kissing each other, a really good make out session, keep your arms down to your sides.”

“Kayla, slide your hand between your legs and start playing with yourself.   Jen, I want you to play with one of your boobs, squeezing and rubbing it.”

“Now Jen, pinch a nipple and pull as far as you can until it snaps out between your fingers.   Again.  Now keep playing with it”.

“Now stop kissing but Kayla keep playing with your pussy and Jen keep rubbing your breast and playing with your nipple.  Both of you keep your free hand down to your side and I want your eyes staring at me.”

“Kayla, if your finger is good and wet, bring your finger up to Jen’s mouth and let her lick it.  Let her lick it really good then put it back in your pussy and get it wet again and feed it to her again.”

“Jen, scoot your butt to the end of the chair and spread your legs.  Kayla, get up and kneel down in front of her on all fours and lick her pussy – and keep fingering yourself.

Mike got undressed and got behind Kayla and entered her from behind as she continued to lick me.  After a couple of minutes Mike withdrew and ordered Kayla to get on the bed and lay on her back.   He had me stand on one side of the bed as he stood on the other, both of us looking down at Kayla.

“Kayla, keep masturbating however you want, using both hands.”

We stood and watched her for while, then Mike called me over towards him and told me to get on my knees and suck him while he continued to watch Kayla.  At some point he told me to get up.  “Look at Kayla, she is playing with her pussy and her ass hole.  I want you to switch places with her and you play with both holes.  Kayla, get over here and suck me.”

“Both you keep doing what you are doing but neither of you take your eyes of me.”

Kayla was near climax.  I’ve told you before that she can orgasm just giving head. It was clear she was close.

“Kayla, stop sucking.”  He then positioned m so my legs hung over the side of the bed as my back was still laying on the bed.  He spread my legs and entered me and told Kayla to climb on the bed and sit across my face so I could eat her pussy. 

I wouldn’t say we came in unison, but it was close.  Kayla first, then me, then Mike.  Mike then told Kayla to knee on the floor where he was just standing over me and get on her knees and lick me clean.  Having just cum, I could hardly stand it.

Mike got dressed and told Kayla to keep going at my pussy.  He went and got one of the vibrators and put it on my clit as Kayla licked below it and inside me.  It wasn’t long before I had another orgasm. 

Mike told Kayla to stop and to have a seat back where she first was sitting.  He gave me about a minute to catch my breath, and then told me to have a seat. 

As if nothing just happened, Mike calmly said, “So.  Let’s talk,” 

ACTUAL TALKING
We proceeded to discuss the weeks events, upcoming plans, how we were feeling about submission, our relationship, life in general.  How school and social life was going for Kayla, what our collective thoughts were on Matt, nudism, you name it.   Very nice discussion, but not as nice as what led up to it!

Neither Kayla nor I asked what that was about.  We knew what it was about.  It was about his Dominance and our submission. 

Sometimes reminders don’t have to be spankings!

Next: 250. The Nude Normal

231. Some Fun, an Ending, the Future.

Kayla and Michaud broke up.  More on that in a bit.  That build-up and ultimate break up led to a lot of conversation between Mike, Kayla, and I about her relationship with us. I thought I’d provide you a peek into that discussion.  But before I do, here’s some other Kayla-related news and some details on the break up.

SOME FUN – MIKE AND KAYLA
Mike had a business trip last week and Kayla went with him.  It was in a nearby city so they drove — it was just far enough that it didn’t make sense to drive back and forth for two days.  They left Wednesday evening and while his business was wrapped up by Friday, they stayed an extra evening and drove back Saturday afternoon. 

It was nice to have the house to myself during the day.  I was hoping for more internet time but Mike gave me a few projects that took up a lot of my time.  When I did have some “me” time, I spent it relaxing — ahem, masturbating.  I do that anyway – but let’s just say it was some extended “me” time!

SELF-SPANKING MAINTENANCE
Mike was gone during our Thursday maintenance so we Skyped it.  Mike had me give myself a spanking — that’s new.  It was part comical and felt odd.  After some trail and error I found the perfect implement — it hurt way more than I thought!  Mike didn’t have any count in mind and I was able to stop once he felt my butt “looked” the right shade of pink to him. 

It’s weird but I actually felt a tinge of embarrassment.  That was extremely surprising to me because one, I don’t embarrass easily, and two, especially not when it comes to anything I do with Mike.   This feeling didn’t disappoint me – it excited me.  Feeling a little embarrassed made me feel very submissive.

Mike was very thoughtful in that he had Kayla go down to the pool during our Maintenance Session.  He knows I like our sessions to be intimate, in terms of no Kayla or other people to distract us.  A time to focus on us, our relationship, our dynamic.  I didn’t ask him to excuse Kayla, but I did thank him for doing so.

MY THOUGHTS ON MIKE AND KAYLA
I like Mike and Kayla having “couple” time of their own.  I mentioned before we alternate “date nights” with Mike each weekend.  I know it has to sound weird to a lot of you, but I enjoy sharing Mike with Kayla.  It fills me to see Mike having the capacity to love her in ways you would love a girlfriend, even a spouse.  I don’t see it subtracting from his love for me in any way.

It also fills me to see Kayla so happy with him.  I know there is quite an age difference (26 years!) but Kayla is so visibly in love with him.  I’ve written before about how Kayla has always been attracted to older people…whether it be friends or lovers.  Although granted, it has typically been 5-7 years older, not 26.   That’s why her relationship with Michaud was unique.  He is just two years older than Kayla.

Oh, and of course, as far as unique goes, there is the whole she-is-submissive-to-Mike, in-a-poly-relationship-with-us, and most recently Michaud-has-another-girlfriend.  Yeah, perhaps those things make it a little bit unique as well.  lol. 

AN ENDING – SPEAKING OF MICHAUD
They officially broke up!  I don’t take any gratification in the fact that I saw it coming.   Kayla simply realized that the more she was with him,  the more she wished she was back home with us –  or as she put it, “doing something with her family.”

I think he is a nice guy, and that “niceness” caused him to want to keep trying (he didn’t want to break up), but, per Kayla, it was wearing on him and it showed in his demeanor.  Kayla understands and doesn’t blame him, and she isn’t going to apologize for it as she feels she was 100% honest with him from the start.  He could have balked but clearly he was intrigued with her and that intrigue has worn off.  So, they parted – amicably.

THE FUTURE – KAYLA’S FUTURE
The end of her relationship with Michaud and her soon finishing up her first year of grad school has us thinking about our future.  I believe what has made our relationship work is that we spent a lot of talking about it at the beginning (wow, it’s been about 15 months).  We were all very comfortable and “calibrated” regarding our feelings and desires.  We were overdue for a “calibration” check.

The conversation basically started with, “What are we to each other?”  It is easy enough for Mike and I, as husband and wife.  Nothing has changed there. But what of Kayla to Mike and to me, and us to her?

I won’t go into detail on the many conversations – most with the three of us but some with just any combination of two of us — and the countless conversations with myself in my mind, ha!  The simplest summation is that they were filled with love.  Mike and I truly love Kayla, and she loves us.  She feels like we are her family and we feel she is a part of our family.   There just aren’t labels that exists that relate to her family status.

I took a daring step in asking this question. “If plural marriages were legal, would Mike and Kayla get married?”  We were all in agreement that the answer, at least for now, would be no.  Kayla has so much ahead of her and in many ways our age difference would preclude her from experiencing things she should experience, free from a formal  attachment to us.  Our attachment, our love… just doesn’t need such formality.

And of course, Kayla added, “And why just wonder about marrying Mike.  In this ‘what if,’ I could marry Jen too, couldn’t I?”  Certainly, in this ‘what if’ we can imagine anything.  Her point was, she loves both of us and we both love her.

KAYLA IS OUR GIRLFRIEND
And speaking of labels, Kayla is now referring to Mike as her boyfriend, and both Mike and I refer to Kayla as our girlfriend.  Mike is waiting for the day someone says, “Wait, I thought you said you were married.”   I am sure that is coming (we thought it would on this business trip as he had dinner planned with a business associate and Kayla was going to attend.  The associate had to cancel as they weren’t feeling well so Mike didn’t get the opportunity to try out the “girlfriend” intro.).

Kayla said she really loves the fact we are now open about our poly relationship.  At the time she didn’t think it really mattered to her.  She always understood and agreed with why it should be private.  But once we opened up, she was surprised by how much more valued it made her feel.  She said she never felt devalued before, but clearly, being open about it has meant something to her.   She just never expected it thus never gave it any thought, but clearly, it means a lot to her. 

FUTURE?
She said her family (us) means more to her than anything right now.  She is open to dating if the right person came along, man or woman, but can’t imagine a set of circumstances that would work for her.  She has another year before she has to seriously think about what’s next.  For her immediate future, she wants to focus on her submission and on us.  While she doesn’t regret dating Michaud, she feels it took “the edge” off her submissive mindset.  

As for a longer term future, one narrative in her mind is she finds a job in this town and continues to live with us.  We are all welcoming of this.  Another is she finds a job in another town and has to move away.   While this one comes with some sadness, we are also excited by it as well.  We feel it is important that she spread her wings and has time “adulting” on her own – this may be her last opportunity for that in her lifetime.  After that time, if it leads her back to us, great!  If it doesn’t, great as well. 

We all are in agreement that her path needs to be hers and packed with various life experiences that fulfill her not just today, but set her on a path of a lifetime of fulfillment. 

A POLY COMING OUT!!
Tomorrow T2 is home and we will be “coming out” regarding our dynamic as well as inviting him to meet E’s family.  Oh – and Kayla wants to tell her parents about us as well.  We have reservations but are supportive of her doing so.

NAKED PREVIEW
Also, I got to experience a bit of what meeting E’s family will be like.  Her cousin, cousin’s husband and three kids, visited her and we got to meet them.  Yes, they are naturists. More on that on another post.       

Next. 232. Our Final “Outing”  

229. Heading to Splitsville?

Drama alert!  I know I often paint a picture that we have achieved some nirvana in my household.  Poly-bliss, D/s perfection!  Of course not!  As I recently wrote, we are human and thus subject to normal human frailty.

We’ve hit a little bump involving Kayla and her boyfriend, Michaud.  I wrote before that Kayla asked us to allow Mike in our “circle of trust.”  (our nickname for those with whom we engage with sexually, currently consisting of the three of us, John, Donna, and most recently, Matt).  I won’t rehash our concerns (you can read the post), but Mike told Kayla no; but left it open for the future if we could get to know him better. 

In the last month we have been able to get to better know Michaud.  He is nice – good boyfriend material for Kayla.  But that is different from “circle of trust” material.   He just doesn’t seem comfortable with it all – which is totally understandable. 

The frustrating part to me was that he would say he was “good with it” but I just didn’t feel it, nor did Mike.   It feels like Michaud is going through the motions, trying to say the “right” things, but really isn’t happy.  Not just unhappy with thoughts of our “circle,” but unhappy with his relationship with Kayla.  

I can be very direct and would ask him very blunt questions, but frankly, Mike asked him way tougher questions than I did.   But Kayla got annoyed at me for “intimidating” Michaud.  That’s never my intent, but if honest intimidates (and it does!), then I am guilty.

I believe it serves no useful purpose to minimize what it is we are considering here.  It is serious stuff, at least to Mike and I.   If it is going to sour, then it needs to be now, not later.   There is no benefit of putting lipstick on the pig and calling it something it isn’t.  He needs to be honest with us and with himself.  

Before Kayla brought any of this up to Michaud, we warned her of what might happen if we “rejected” him.   And it isn’t like we are rejecting him – we are still evaluating him.  Kayla finds it easier to blame me that his “evaluation” isn’t going well.   

THE METAMOUR – POLY PLOT THICKENS
Adding to this is that Michaud has started dating another girl – with Kayla’s full knowledge and consent (and initial encouragement).  Thus the growing complexity of metamours!

We will call her “X.” 

X is aware of Kayla and they have met several times.  Kayla’s take on X is that she is intrigued because it is “trendy” to date someone who is dating someone else. But she feels X doesn’t have the right heart or mindset for poly. 

X is putting a lot of pressure on Michaud to spend more time with her and less with Kayla.  And Kayla feels X is trying to get Michaud to dump her.  Of course, Michaud says that isn’t true, thus Kayla feels like he is calling her paranoid.  Adding to that, Kayla then feels Michaud is purposely ignoring X’s subterfuge, making her angry at Michaud.   

The appearance of X makes the timing of Kayla’s request suspect.  I accept Kayla’s word that these aren’t connected, but I also know sometimes our motivations aren’t always apparently to ourselves.  Would she be asking for his inclusion had he not found a second girlfriend?  X has made it clear she isn’t quite comfortable with this poly-thing, so having Michaud in our circle clearly has implications for his relationship with X.   It’s just all to potentially messing — that is not the right foundation for admittance into our circle?  Nope!  No way! 

Then, Kayla has said Michaud is getting more annoyed with her whenever she has other obligations, especially with us/Mike.   Michaud got very annoyed with her when Kayla shared the nude resort plans with him.  His reaction made her feel badly such that she asked Mike if she could invite him and they would get their own room.  Mike agreed, thinking perhaps it would be a good step towards us getting more comfortable with him.

Ultimately it made things worse.  Michaud said no.  He was not only upset that Kayla didn’t invite him to start with, but that she had to get Mike’s permission to do so.  And there it was.  It is becoming clear that Kayla’s relationship with Mike is wearing on Michaud.

There’s more examples of this – but simply, currently Michaud can not be in our “circle,” but more so, maybe he isn’t prepared to continue his relationship with Kayla. 

Neither Kayla nor Michaud are ready to admit that things are untenable.  It frustrates me a bit because to me it is very clear and they are just being dishonest with themselves.  Deep down they both see it, they just aren’t ready to admit it yet.  So instead of moving on, they are becoming increasingly passive aggressive with each other.  

Of course, Kayla doesn’t want to hear it from me.  It is easier for her to just blame me for the strain with Michaud.  I don’t like it, but that’s okay.  She knows she can feel safe in blaming me as it won’t change my love for her.   She will realize it soon enough and end things with Michaud (if he doesn’t end it first).  And she might blame me for a bit, but I believe she will soon see I had nothing to do with it. 

Adding to her feelings of acrimony towards me is that Mike actually spanked her for how she was treating me.  She got very disrespectful in one of our conversations.  Of course, she blamed me for that too.  I recognize it is easier for Kayla to blame me than it is for her to blame herself, Michaud, or Mike.  I am the safe one to blame.  I’ll accept that for now.  

My preference would be for them to realize that they give each other a lot of joy and fulfillment and thus cherish their moments together and look for more opportunities to express their love for each other.  BUT — only if that is actually how they feel.  Frankly, I don’t think it is and they just won’t admit it yet.  But their realization of it is coming soon!

Next: 230. My Happiness Formula

208. Inspiration from Kayla

I’ve rewritten this post many times before publishing, finally getting it to a less than epic size.  Too many disjointed thoughts…maybe now it’s finally coherent.  Regardless, the process was beneficial to me as I find it therapeutic to write out my thoughts and feelings, even if I don’t publish them.  Maybe I’ll stop typing out every conversation in my head.  Maybe I won’t.  But then again, maybe I will.  Humm, no, maybe not.  lol.  

I do have a spanking story for you that I’ll share on another post.  Yep, Jenny got a pretty good one today.  But that story will have to wait.

I ended Post 203, asking Kayla, “So, what did you tell Michaud and how did he react?  Did he actually get turned on by it?”

KAYLA AND MICHAUD
Kayla and Michaud have forged quite the unique relationship.  At Kayla’s urging, they committed to a “100% “Authentic” policy as she calls it.  They share with each other whatever whim they are thinking, without regards to political correctness, relationship correctness, or anything else.  A very “in the moment” way of being.  

Kayla said she was inspired by me and my incessant need to get to the root of a feeling (aw shucks).  She thought it would be interesting experiment and take some things she has learned as a submissive and try to apply them to a “normal” relationship.  Put aside the fact that Kayla and Michaud’s relationship doesn’t follow any “norms” that I am aware of.

She said the two of them are often asking the other, “Why?” or “How does that make you feel?” or, “What is it you want me to do?”  They have the habit of starting sentences with, “I feel…”  Neither one of them has ever been so transparent and straight forward in a relationship before. 

SELF CONFIDENCE SNOWBALL
Kayla told me she feels that both her and Michaud have developed a strong sense of confidence.  The confidence gives them the bravery required to reveal more and more of themselves and it feeds on itself.  The more genuine she is, the more she learns about herself.  With confidence high, she reveals more.  This new aspect isn’t rejected, fueling more confidence, more self awareness, which is again shared, and the cycle repeats.     

She also said that in learning so much about Michaud makes her see how unique he is.  She finds the increasing individuality she sees in him makes him even more attractive.  In her words, “He’s gotten sexier since we started this.” At the same time, I sense Kayla is learning a lot about herself, and Michaud is seeing this unique person emerge with her own strong individuality, making her even more attractive to Michaud.  Sounds a lot like Post 68.  To fall in love…do this.  Either that or the sex is just amazing.  Ha!  

Kayla feels all of this started a year ago when she moved in with us.  The self discoveries she made are the foundation for what she has with Michaud.  She said the joy, happiness, and clarity of her “internal monologue” has greatly improved.  She is excited to share that monologue and have it accepted in a relationship.

She knows Michaud could have rejected her from the beginning, or once she shared the news of our dynamic, or once he started experiences the implications of that dynamic, or for countless other reasons people decide not to pursue or continue a relationship.  If she had been rejected she believes it would not have been pleasant but she would not have been crushed – and prior to moving in with us, even the thought of rejection crushed her.   Her new found self confidence doesn’t make room for feeling threatened by rejection.  Of course, Michaud fully accepted her, which clearly is an affirming experience that gives her even more confidence.

And Michaud has fully accepted her.  He has not shown any behaviors I was expecting, at least not anything Kayla has shared with us.   No jealousy, no resentment, no frustration.  I think it’s because Kayla was so honest and clear up front regarding what he was getting into.  Not that he hasn’t had a few complaints.  

He told Kayla he wishes they could spend more time together.  Reasonable!  They do spend a lot of time together, but between school and family expectations, I understand why Michaud wants more.  Btw, I say “family” expectations because we feel Kayla is very much family.  Mike has eliminated a lot, but not all, of her household duties.  Kayla also sees and communicates with her mom and dad. 

Michaud also wants Kayla to spend the night with him.  Mike told Kayla from the beginning that there would be no overnights at Michauds.  Mike has indicated he might change this.  He did allow for a later curfew on New Year’s Eve and has indicated he might be willing to consider okaying an overnight or two. It may seem silly to have a curfew and these restrictions on a 23-year old.  It isn’t about age, it is about submission.  Kayla accepts and appreciates these restrictions.

JEN’S TAKE
I think this is all about authenticity.  Authenticity is highly attractive!  And being authentic requires one thing?  Here it comes again, I’ve only talked about it a bajillion times – vulnerability!  (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 and probably a bunch of others).

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means you express your beliefs, ideals, standards, and expectations without feeling threatened by the knowledge that some people will take exception.  You also are not threatened by your own faults, so readily admit to them.  You are not judgmental of others, because you want others to be comfortable being vulnerable, because it is where you thrive.

Kayla said it can be exhausting at times, and when it is one of them just says, “I don’t want to play right now, can we just enjoy the moment without dissecting why we are enjoying it?   They’ve both learned to respect the other when one of them reaches this point.  Sometimes there is power in quiet stillness.

JEN’S INSPIRATION
I took several things from Kayla’s example.  I have always taken pride in my self-reflection and dedicated many posts to being authentic, vulnerable, blah, blah, blah (just checking to see if you are actually reading this).  Despite that, as I shared in my last post, I still often fail at being authentic in the moment.  At times I still hold back my feelings until I felt I formulated the “correct” feeling.  By then, the moment is gone.  What is left is bottled up, repressed, unexpressed.  Thus feelings of angst, uneasiness, and anger would manifest themselves out of nowhere in controlling, passive aggressive ways.

With inspiration from Kayla, I am doubling down on my making sure I express myself.  Reminding myself to separate “thoughts” from “feelings” and to just allow myself to feel and express that feeling, without the filter of thought.  I have definitely been doing a better job of this the last three years, but still not where I want to be.  I think finally connecting with the likely “source” of my bad habit (per prior post) will help me purge it entirely – if that is even possible to undo a habit ingrained since childhood.

EXPRESSIVE SUBMISSIVE?
Being submissive doesn’t mean being passive when it comes to sharing feelings.  In my DD we have created the perfect forum for expressing myself in a constructive manner.  My DD requires me to be respectful, truthful, and forthcoming.  And when it is one of those times where the only acceptable response is, “Yes, Sir,” I still have ways to express my feelings.  In those situations I have my journal and then in a Maintenance Sessions I can share what I was feeling in the moment.

I am not required to always agree with Mike, nor am I not allowed to take exception to something he does.  But my means of disagreement or objection are structured — not to quiet them, but to give them more impact.  I’ve found that being submissive has resulted in Mike being more attentive to my needs and feelings.  

ENOUGH, WHAT DID MICHAUD SAY ON NEW YEARS EVE?
I had this all written out in sexy, lurid, and nether-region tingling detail.  But when I shared it with Kayla she thought it was weird for me to write about what she told me.  So I decided to omit the blow-by-blow, titillating details (pun intended). 
Kayla told Michaud that Mike had sex with her just before she left the house.  In what has become his habit, Michaud asked her about the details, and Kayla obliged.  Kayla then told him, “Sir did this specifically with you in mind as he wanted me to have a good sex story to tell you.  And he specifically told me not to clean up”  

Michaud got this sort of “Ewww” look to his face and then said, “So, are you a bit messy down there?”  And in keeping with their “authentic” ways Kayla said, “I think so, I kinda feel it, let’s take a look.”  And she pulled her pants and panties down to reveal some wet panties. 

At that point I think they cheated.  Michaud said, “fine, just so happens I was hoping we would have sex in the shower.”  Kayla wasn’t sure what Mike would think of this but she went along and later that evening they had shower sex.  She was pretty sure Mike was going to spank her for this but he didn’t.  Mike said it wasn’t about trying to cock-block Michaud.  It was primarily focused on giving Kayla something to think about regarding a command from him and her submissiveness to him.  Clearly it was on her mind when she was Michaud, so mission accomplished.

DON’T CALL ME SOMETHING TO SHARE (exception)
I don’t know if there will be a point where Michaud tires of “sharing” Kayla with us.  I put that in quotes because when Kayla first read this she told me she is sensitive to using the word “share” regarding time with Michaud.  She said Michaud used that word once and she told him quite sternly she is not his to be “shared.”  She may choose to split her time with other duties in life, whether it be school or anything else, but it isn’t about sharing her time with him. 

She feels the word “share” should be reserved for something like dessert, or an Uber, or some other “thing.”  Not a person.  Then she was quick to add, “or reserved for a submissive, because if Sir is wanting to share me in some way, then yes, I can be shared.”

I found this to serve as further evidence that Kayla is not looking to be submissive to Michaud.   She has always said this, but it is stories like that which show she really means it.  And of course she does, because she tell us if she felt otherwise – her authenticity demands it!

P.S. I discovered I left Kayla off my updates I did to my ABOUT section.  Shame on me.  I wrote it out but forgot to cut and paste it into the post.  I will get on that now!  Sorry, Kayla!

NEXT: 209. The Chronicles of…McNuggets?

204. Returning to Submissive Headspace

I mentioned in my last post that the holidays have pushed me out of my submissive mindset.  Having to focus on all the things surrounding Thanksgiving and Christmas, having to put off a lot of TTWD because of kids being home, visits to and from family, etc.   It made me realize I need to do two things.   

1. Get back in my submissive head space
2. Think about how I can do better the next holiday season.

WHAT IS SUBMISSIVE HEAD SPACE
Disclaimer:  Definitions are tricky as words mean different things to different people.  My definitions may not fit yours.  I am interested in people’s perspectives as to what labels or words mean to them, so if you disagree, please respectfully comment. 

It may help to differentiate Subspace from Headspace.  To me; 

• SUBSPACE:  In a word, “intense.”
  An alternate mental state which some submissives achieve during very intense play.  It’s like a high, a dream, a dissociation with mind and body.  It involves a lot of endorphins and euphoria.
  I’ve never experienced it, nor see it as something I must experience.  I believe it is more for those that use D/s as play, and could result from a specific scene or play session.  We really don’t “play” like this in our dynamic.  Our D/s is heavily weighted towards DD versus BDSM.   
• HEADSPACE: In a word, “connected.”
  A trusting, accepting and peaceful space where I am singularly focused and connected with Mike.  This clarity makes me feel like my submission is at its peak and gives me great joy – a bliss in service and submission.
  

GETTING BACK
I shared with Mike that I need help in getting back in submissive focus.  I asked Kayla if she felt that way too.  She did, but for her, the holidays didn’t “mess her up.”  She said he relationship with Michaud has.

While she loves being with Michaud, a part of her feels like every moment with him is a moment not serving Mike.  Her and Mike have talked about this and Mike reassured her that he was okay with it and he wants her to pursue relationships.  But as the three of us talked, it became clear to me that the solution isn’t Mike’s acceptance of her relationship, it is about Kayla’s need to serve Mike.  Thus, the three of us decided to tackle this “headspace” issue together.  

Whether it is the holidays, another love interest, or whatever you have going in life, I am sure every submissive has their moments where they just feel out of their submissive headspace.   Maybe you even just wake up “not feeling it” for some unknown reason.  Whatever the cause, here are some things we came up with to help us get back on track. 

1. TALK ABOUT IT – This is a simple one but easy to overlook.
   Acknowledge it and share it.  Mike, Kayla, and I already did this, which is why we came up with this list! 
2. COMPLETE BREAK
   This is counter-intuitive.  A “time-out” from being submissive.
   I have this theory that it can be harder to go from 50% headspace to 100% than it is to from 0% to 100%.  Clearly is sounds like you have further to go in the latter equation, thus it must be harder than the former.  I say, “Not so!”   It’s about motivation and momentum.   Starting from zero you can zoom up to 50 in no time, momentum from positive vibes and feelings of accomplishment then take you to 80, 90, then back at 100
   Taking a break also gives you a clear starting line.  You take a break and the moment the break is over, it is time to get to work on your mindset.   The break forces you to give this your full attention.  Without it, you may just incrementally go about it.  
   Kayla and I are going to implement this one tomorrow with a girls day out, courtesy of Mike.  Yes, a Spa Day!!  Hair, nails, facial, massage, and some shopping.  Just the two of us, not thinking about what Mike wants or needs for the day. 
3. RITUALS
   Starting the morning after we complete #2, we add a lot more rituals, at least temporarily, to help us get back into our mindset.   
   1. Mantras: I’ve shared before that both Kayla and I have various Mantras we recite at various times.  I only started doing this with our October 2017 contract and have found them to be highly effective at focusing my mind on submission.  You can read my Mantras on Post 173.
      We added a “Greeting” Mantra.  We already have an “Entering the House Ritual” so this just codified a greeting we will use when Mike gets off work.  Still working on the words but you get the point.
   2. Declarations of Service:  Similar to a mantra, we are to thank Mike each time we do something for him.  It can be as simple as, “Thank you, Sir, for allowing me to prepare and serve your dinner.” 
   3. Kneeling:  When he is seated, we will kneel next him, quietly awaiting any command, and asking permission before we attend to anything else.  As part of this we are to “overly ask for permission.”  It may border on annoying to Mike, and he will let us know if it does, but we literally are to ask him permission for anything we do in his presence.    
   4. Collaring:  I don’t have a collar.  Kayla has a discreet one she wears all the time.  Well, make that, I “didn’t” have a collar.  Mike went to an adult store and purchased one for each of us and they are definitely not discreet.  Thick black collar with large ring pendant, much like the image I used in this post.   We will wear it at home, and Kayla is to wear it when she is at Michauds.
   5. Leaving Home Reminder:  I already have this per our latest contract, where Mike will give me short, but firm spankings anytime the two of us are leaving the house to go somewhere.  These are to remind me to focus my submissiveness while out in public.   Now, Mike will do this anytime we leave the house for any reason, with or without him.  And for Kayla, the spankings will be even longer and more firm when she is going to see Michaud.   
   6. Bathing, Dressing:  We took a page from our Immersion days, and with Kayla and I are not allowed to bathe or dress ourselves. This is also a bit counter-intuitive as it would appear Mike would therefore be serving us – but the context is not service to us, but a sense of helplessness for us.   At least we left off the assistance with eating and toileting – I’ll wipe my own ass thank you! 
4. SET REALISTIC GOAL
   It isn’t realistic to assume 100% submissive headspace 100% of the time.  Recognize the goal isn’t 24×7 bliss.  That’s unreasonable…but I know I can at least attain an everyday normal that just feels submissively-good to me.  Right now I am not there, but with these steps, I know I will be soon. 

Of course, all of these require some adjustments on weekends and when J is home from school.  And, of course, failing to perform any of these subjects us to punishments.

Mike said we will do this for a week and then he will evaluate.  Some elements of it we may continue permanently.  For example, Kayla liked the idea of a spanking before she sees Michaud.

HOW TO DO BETTER NEXT HOLIDAY SEASON?
We all agreed that, whether it is next holiday season or various things that happen throughout the year, the three of us need to communicate and be more aware of  the things that may distract us from our D/s.  It can help if we preemptively implemented some of the steps I shared above (especially lots of spa days, lol).  But more than trying to prescribe a remedy in advance, it really is about communication and determining the right steps to take based on the circumstances of that moment.   

I look forward to getting this started, especially the “day off.”   This made me wonder, does Mike ever need a break or help with getting back into a Dominant headspace? That will be for another post!

NEXT:  Post 205. In Praise of my Dominant

203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

This is the postscript on Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.

THE MYSTERY
I’ll start with revealing the mystery behind Kayla’s response, then I’ll then share my reflections on my behavior. Then for you pervs out there I’ll wrap it up with the final part of the punishment I received. 

When Kayla shared her thoughts, she ended it with, “It was exactly the kind of thing we talked about.”  While it was clear to me that Kayla appreciated what Mike did, I had no idea what she was referring to.  So I asked Mike and Kayla if they were willing to share what it was they talked about that made her appreciate the impromptu “suck and fuck” as we have come to jokingly calling it.

CATCHING UP WITH KAYLA AND MICHAUD
First some background to catch you up on Kayla and Michaud. (I wrote about the beginnings of their relationship in Post 186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend).  Kayla has shared her big attraction to Michaud is his laid back, accepting style.  She feels so comfortable talking with him and they see eye to eye on so many issues.  However, she has made it clear she doesn’t think of him as potentially being “the one.”  She says she doesn’t see herself considering marrying anyone until she is at least 27, if not 30.  She wants to enjoy and explore life, unencumbered.  She has shared those sentiments with Michaud.

Kayla recently told Michaud she wants to explore a “unique” relationship with him, sort of an experiment – as if their relationship wasn’t already unique enough.  Inspired by Mike and I, Kayla told Michaud she wants them to share everything — every thought, every desire, every pet peeve, every impulse, every fantasy.   Not necessarily act on them, but share those things verbally.   Even down to a quirky thing that we do in our household (when no kids are home).  She asked Michaud to accept a “no closed doors” policy.  That is, you don’t close doors to the bathroom, whether someone is showering, using the toilet, or whatever.  Basically, there is no “personal space” as all space is shared, even when using the crapper!  

Michaud was game and they implemented this “openness” about three weeks ago. What I didn’t know is that Michaud shared some things with Kayla regarding his sexual turn on’s.  Apparently he is turned on by Kayla telling him about sexual acts she performs with us.  He likes her to tell him every detail.  Kayla said it makes for great foreplay with Michaud.

Kayla also shared her sexual fantasies with Michaud, including the one about having four guys at one time.  With that in mind, Michaud told her that he wouldn’t mind “sharing her” at the same time with Mike.  Kayla told him that this wouldn’t happen, as Mike and I already told Kayla we don’t want Michaud to be part of our dynamic or play.  Nothing against him  We just don’t want to get entrenched in a relationship she has.  We believe it is good for her to explore her relationships on her own.  In addition, our dance card is pretty full and life is good.  We don’t want to complicate things.

MYSTERY UNVEILED
I was generally aware of Kayla’s “openness” experiment with Michaud, but I wasn’t aware of Michaud’s turn on regarding Kayla sharing her sexual experiences or his thoughts on sharing her with Mike.  Kayla didn’t purposely keep this information from me.  There just wasn’t an opportunity for her to bring it up to me and she isn’t compelled to tell me such details.

She told Mike about it during one of her Maintenance Sessions.  When she did that, Mike suggested that they do something specifically for Michaud’s benefit.  That way, not only would she have a juicy sexcapade to share with him, but she can let him know that Mike arranged it with him in mind.  Kayla loved the idea.  Mike simply told her that he would think about the details and let her know.   Well, apparently he thought about them and thus the now infamous “suck and fuck.”

DOUBTING MIKE’S INTENTIONS
Clearly, Mike’s action had Kayla’s support and endorsement, at least in general, if not specifically.   I felt so foolish for reacting as I did and doubting Mike’s intentions.  This is not the first time my doubts have got me into trouble.  I thought I was past having these moments of doubt.  At a minimum, I thought I was at least past ACTING on any doubts without first calmly and respectfully clarifying the situation.   Clearly I am not.

I think it was a combination of factors that led me to have that doubt. 

• It caught me by surprise.  Kayla was practically heading out the door when Mike stopped her for the blow job.  
• Kayla’s reaction didn’t seem joyful to me.  I now realize that I was reading too much into it.  Sure she didn’t jump for joy, but she often has a resolute look about her.  In hindsight I can see that her reaction was simply that of a compliant submissive.   
• I have a “mama bear” instinct about Kayla, and if I think she is unhappy or being mistreated, I react, often without additional thought. 
• Instead of assuming loving intentions, in an instant I created this false narrative in my mind.  I assumed Mike was just being a stupid alpha-male, flaunting his power and authority over Kayla as a “take that” to Michaud by in effect telling him all he can have is “sloppy seconds.”   Not only does such behavior repulse me, but using Kayla in that way also triggered “mama bear” to come out. 
• I wasn’t in a particularly deep submissive mindset.  The holidays messed with our D/s routine.  I couldn’t even do simple things like being naked around the house.  Since before Thanksgiving a lot of my energy and focus was on holiday activities and not on submission.  Not that that is wrong, as such focus is good for my kids and the family overall.  But still, it softened my submissive mindset, leaving me vulnerable to mistakes. 

Whatever the reason(s), I am more committed than ever to stay diligent and not repeat this.  Ideally I wish I never have such thoughts again, but realistically, it is not about never having those thoughts.  It is about recognizing when I have them and controlling my reaction so that it is loving, purposeful, and effective in facilitating a healthy and respectful conversation.  I know I can do that!

This issue is a big one for me as it is not something that just arose with our DD.  I have always had this problem.  Pre-DD it was a common occurrence — jumping to conclusions, feeling attacked or feeling Mike had ill intentions.  I credit Domestic Discipline with helping me towards eradicating this terrible habit.

As Mike often reminds me, “Progress, not perfection!”   

FINAL PUNISHMENT – CLOSING CEREMONY
I shared with you that my punishment was not complete.  Mike gave me until the next day to write my 100 lines, which I completed.  As in keeping with our “lines rules,” I am spanked for mistakes or sloppy lines – two spankings for each error.  Mike “grades’ me very strictly.  He counts it as a mistake if words don’t line up very closely underneath the matching word in the row above.

I was thankful to have the entire day to work on the lines, thus I didn’t have to do them in one sitting.  This was a first, but was necessary because the family interruptions that occurred throughout the day.  Thus I didn’t become as fatigued in my writing and the result was Mike only found three errors, thus six spankings.

Because our middle child hung around the house most of the day, we had to arrange to go over to John and Donna’s for me to be spanked.  They are accustomed to us using their house as a get-away when a spanking is needed.  When we use their house the spankings are always done in one of their bedrooms.  We don’t let them watch.  These are solemn occasions.  I am not allowed to make eye contact or speak with John or Donna until after our Closing Ceremony.  Mike simply asks them, “Can we use your room for moment.”  They know what that means.  Once the punishment is over, we then “turn off” punishment mode and act as if we are on a social visit.

Mike brought a small paddle with him.  Thankfully Mississippi is too big to smuggle out of the house discreetly!  I couldn’t have taken any more with that beast.  As is our protocol I immediately get undressed when I enter their house.  My bottom was very bruised from the night before and I know they saw it as I walked past them towards a bedroom.  I am sure they were like, “Wow, what did she do!?”

Once in the room Mike had me lay across his knee.  He even commented how bruised my ass was, “Wow, I’ve never seen it this bad.  I have a feeling these six are going to hurt.”
He then proceeded to lecture me as he rubbed my bruised and sore butt.  I thought I was over the extreme emotions of the events but I started to cry, even before he spanked me.
He then spanked me.  I let out a shrill on number three and dramatically increased the volume on numbers four,  five and six.   I know John and Donna could hear me. 

We then had our Closing Ceremony.  It felt so good to completely put this behind me.  Mike told me to go wash my face and get my clothes on.   He said I could take a few minutes and he left the room to go talk to John and Donna.  I composed myself, got dressed, stopped off at the bathroom to wash my face, and emerged as if nothing happened.  We talked about what each of us did to ring in the New Year (the family and festivities stuff, not the “suck and fuck” or punishment).  Then we returned home.  All is forgiven.   

I love my Domestic Discipline!

Oh, almost forgot  – I asked Kayla, “So, what did you tell Michaud and how did he react? Did he actually get turned on by it?”   That’s for another post!

Next:  204. Returning to Submissive Headspace

 

196. This, That, and Some Other Stuff

Things are getting somewhat back into a normal routine.  It won’t last because as Christmas approaches, our middle son, T2, will be home for the holidays.  That will put a kink in our kink!

THIS  —   A COMING OUT (sort of)
Mike and I did share a bit of our lifestyle with our kids and, when appropriate, with anyone else we mingled with over the Thanksgiving.  It was high level information.  Basically that I decided to defer more to their dad, allow him to be more of the decider of things, and stuff like that.  Nothing negative about it.  Growing up they were accustomed to me being more of the domineering one, so it isn’t like there is any kink attached to who the primarily leader or follower is in a marriage.  It just so happens there is a lot of kink attached to ours, but, we left that part out – Ha!

The change was surprising to them, but they were fine with it.  They didn’t even ask too many questions of me.  Basically I just said this is how I choose to be, and they were like, “Okay, Mom.”  

We also told them that Kayla has decided to follow my lead and also look to Mike for guidance and she too is extending the same “respect” to Mike that I do – such as addressing him as “Sir.”  My middle one who is always quick to share what’s on his mind said, “Is it just her respect that she is extending to Dad?”   To which I calmly replied, “I am not sure what you mean, but whatever she extends or doesn’t extend is between your dad, me, and Kayla.”  I think they all understood that there was more going on, but for once my inquisitive son got the hint and decided not to inquire further.   I think part of it is that they just don’t want to know.  Regardless how old you get, you never think of your parents as having any sex life, especially an adventurous one.  

THAT  —  KAYLA AND MICHAUD UPDATE
I mentioned in my last post that the two of them have had sex.  So far their relationship seems to be going well.  I am not sure what to make of Michaud’s acceptance of her relationship with us.  I mean, it’s great he accepts it.  I would much rather he accept it than not.  But a part of me wonders what type of person would accept it?   It has to be tough to know you have a girlfriend who won’t open up and share certain parts of herself  with you.  And not only exclude you from certain parts of herself, but at the same time is including someone else in those parts.   In many ways he is sharing Kayla with us, especially with Mike.  That has to be hard. 

I wonder if it is hard on Kayla too?  She says she is happy with how things have progressed thus far.  She sees her relationship with us as very distinct and separate from Michaud.  She does not defer to Michaud any more or less than he defers to her.  It is a very “normal” relationship, as she puts it, where neither one of them is dominant.  That’s how she wants it.   She says there is the “submissive” Kayla and the “non-submissive” Kayla and she loves both of them.

I did ask her what she would do if she had to make a choice.  She said she doesn’t want to have to do that, but right now, her needs for submission trump her other needs.  But she admits that could change over time.  She just hopes that any changes can go smoothly without anyone being hurt.   We continue to be very supportive of her and made it clear she is not obligated to stay with us.  Of course we want her to stay, but we understand there could come a day where she feels it is best to move on, whether in whole or in part.

Michaud passed a big test in Kayla’s eyes (and mine too) when she was naked in front of him and she had a bruised bottom.  It wasn’t a huge bruise, but a bruise none-the-less.  Kayla said she didn’t try to hide it and told him to go ahead and take a close look at it.  She shared with him how she felt about it (which were all positive feelings) and used the opportunity to again share with him what being submissive means to her.  She said it was a good conversation and Michaud asked a lot of questions, never getting upset or animated by her answers.  She even told him there may be times she has bruises elsewhere, such as on her breasts or thighs.  She doesn’t get bruises often, but she wanted him to be prepared and deal with his concerns now versus later. 

After they talked she ended it with asking him how he was feeling about being with her.  He told her he loved her and while she is a bit “out there” when it comes to what she needs in life, he is happy that he can fulfill and experience whatever part she is looking to share.  He did say that it all does make him feel a bit awkward and insecure at times, but he is trying.  And with that Kayla told him how much she loves him and hates that a part of her makes him feel that way.  She told him she loves him for allowing her to get fulfillment in whatever way she desires it, even if that means it was with someone else.

He did ask the inevitable question of, “Will it always be like this?”  To which she said, “I don’t know.  I don’t know what ‘always’ even looks like.  I just know what I need from life right now.  And I need my submissive life with Mike and Jen, and I need you and I am so happy you allow me to have both.  If we reach a point you aren’t happy with me having both, or I am not happy with both, then we owe it to each other to talk about it, but until then, let’s keep enjoying this.”   And from all appearances, they are. 

SOME OTHER STUFF – THE NEW KAYLA AS A GIRLFRIEND
Kayla shared with Mike and I that her relationship with Michaud is unlike any she has ever had.  Not because of Michaud, although that is a big part of it, but because of her.  She really is a different person than she was in any previous relationship.   She said she is more open and honest with what is on her mind, what she is feeling, what she is needing.  She has never articulated it so clearly and so frequently than she has with Michaud.  She says it feels liberating.   No hidden agenda, no unsaid concerns or unresolved emotions.   She’s just 100% “out there” with him and it feels amazing that he accepts it.

She only hopes Michaud is doing the same on being open and honest.  It sounds like he is not shy to share whatever doubts or needs for information that he has.  How he is reconciling her answers may not be clear, but I think it is a good sign that he isn’t shying away from asking questions 

SOME OTHER STUFF – OH SUBMISSION!
With the passing of Mike’s mom and Thanksgiving, I went two weeks without a spanking.  This time it wasn’t the spanking I missed as much as my overall routine.  But I also missed the sensations.

One night when Mike and I were having sex I asked him to squeeze my nipples really hard, harder, harder.  I then asked for nipple clamps.  Mike obliged both with the nipple suckers first, then the clamps.   It felt so good to “feel the burn.”   

Mike will sometimes slap my breasts when we have sex, but that too needed to be harder this time.  I asked him to slap them harder, and harder still.  It was much like the intensity of a punishment. 

This was different for us in a way, but not really.  Our sex play can get pretty physical.  This was just more than our usual physicality.  I’ve shared before that I don’t mix discipline with sex.  This wasn’t discipline.  It was more about mixing a little pain with the sex, not about mixing sex with the pain.  There is a difference.  I can’t explain it.  Maybe it is self-explanatory?  Anyway, it felt good.  I needed that sensation.  I needed that dominance from Mike.  I needed that submission.   

NEXT:  197. Do ya wanna have sex?