So…Mike has asked me what type of punishments I was talking about. I purposely didn’t want to talk specifics. I didn’t want the focus to be on punishments. I wanted the focus to be on my duties and obligations and the outcome. But I knew the punishment had to be addressed. It is the most salacious, intriguing and shocking thing of DD. I had to come up with something to say that would satisfy him for now, but wouldn’t get us into the details.
Again I went into the mode of focusing on the outcome, not the specifics. While still avoiding the “S” word, my answer was, “Well, we should both agree on what a good punishment is. Of course, it has to be something unpleasant in order to be a deterrent as well as a reminder to do better. It could be physical punishments at times as well as non-physical consequences depending on what we agree upon.”
With that, he said the word for the first time…”So, like a spanking?” When he said that I felt a great release, similar to what I felt when I surrender to the idea of being spanked. There it was, out in the open. The thing that I was still uncertain about but felt was necessary. The thing that I was most worried about both in his acceptance of giving spankings and my willingness to receive them.
Having heard the words and seeing Mike remaining calm and feeling confident in the progress of our conversation, I confidently responded, “Yes, spankings should be part of it.” He then asked, “Well, what else besides spankings.”
I explained that the intent is not to humiliate me, it is to keep me focused and to get me to perform as a person, a mother, and a wife the way that I want to perform, not the way he necessarily wants me to perform. In fact, what he wants must match what I want for myself. It isn’t him punishing me for failing to do what he thinks is right, it is only for failing to do what I committed to doing. So while it cannot humiliate, there should be an element of discomfort so that I will be motivated to avoid that discomfort in the future. So, with that, I told him I think spankings are definitely in order, and at other times it could mean a time out….going to our bedroom to be alone or stand in a corner.
I told him we didn’t have to figure all of that out right now, and I know this was lot to process. I shared that I have been reading about this type of lifestyle and we should read some stuff together. From there I suggested we both understand the pros and cons and get an idea on how we will incorporate this in our lives. Note that I said “will incorporate…” Remember, I am in charge and I am used to getting what I want. I also wanted him to know I was very serious and I didn’t want to use any words that sounded like I was unsure. It was only then that I shared the term with him and explained it is often called “Domestic Discipline.”
I was relieved the conversation did not linger on the details of punishment. Instead he moved on and asked why I thought this would be good for me and he apologized for not doing anything to address my stress levels (remember, I told you Mike was a good guy). He said he will gladly do whatever I felt would help me but he asked me why I thought this was the best way.
I shared some of those things I already shared in this blog about my thought process and more. I told him I very much wanted to surrender myself to him because I loved and trusted him, and I felt it would allow me to be the person I want to be for myself, for my kids, and for him. I felt anything short of this type of surrender would not work.
He asked many of the same questions I already asked myself. I had to reassure him I was completely willing to be punished by him and I expect it to be unpleasant, but that is the point, and that is what I want. He said he was on-board with figuring this out with me.
It was clear that Mike truly cared about my feelings and wasn’t going to jump into anything this drastic without understanding that it is something I very much wanted to do.
I quickly showed him the duties and obligations I had written for myself as I was eager to share them. We then went to online and together read through a bunch of stuff I had bookmarked for us. After talking through many different issues over about three or four days, we got to a basic agreement on what our approach was going to be. Now, it was very important that we commit, in writing, to how our DD lifestyle was going to work.