Re-read my prior post and feel it was a bit jumbled. Thing is, when we attempt to make sense of our today by looking back on events in our life, it’s difficult to discern what were “causes” of where we are. Ultimately, while it is an interesting journey, I am not all that concerned with the “Why I am submissive.” I am more concerned with the “Who I am as a submissive.”
But before I waste your time with diving into that, let me waste your time with one more attempt at making sense of why I am submissive.
While there are more layers to it, I think the overarching reason is that I am a people pleaser.
There are two types of people pleasers, those who like to please because:
– how it makes the object of your pleasure feel – how it makes you feel
Not to say there can’t be a mix of both, so okay, three types! Anyway, before Domestic Discipline, my overarching motivation was rooted in how it made ME feel. Even worse, I became exclusively focused on my intentions, and not the impact of my actions. If my intentions were pure, damn the results! If the result were not as I intended it wasn’t my fault, and I certainly wasn’t going to change or take any responsibility. In my mind, my intentions were pure and if someone (Mike) questioned the outcome they were saying my intentions were bad. Screw them!
Simply, my people-pleasing was inauthentic. I was using the excuse of the axiom, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t happy.” I bastardized it into, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t right about everything.” Doh!
When I started reading about Domestic Discipline I believe the concept that jumped out at me was I needed to stop basing my criteria for pleasing others on whatI thoughtpleased them. It must be based on what ACTUALLY pleases them. Then, AND ONLY THEN, I could consider whether it actually fulfilled me to do those things. Yes, it still had to make me happy. If it didn’t, I would eventually become resentful, anxious, insecure, and unloving.
CUE BLACK SABBATH?
The first thing that attracted me to the notion of DD was giving up what I now realized was fake fulfillment, fake feelings, and fake demonstrations of love. Those had to be replaced them with truth. That struck a chord in me. Not the warm and fuzzy type of chord, but a heavy metal power chord courtesy of a Tommi Iomi/Geezer Butler flatted fifth in G. And turn it 11!
Didn’t know I was musical, did you? While not a metal-head, who could deny the power of that chord? I digress
In other words, it was a bit of an ominous realization for me. My attraction to what I was thinking shocked me because at the same time I was like, “BUT, BUT, BUT. . . FEMINISM!” (read Post 350. Equity and Fairness for how I reconcile that). However, the more I read about submitting to my husband, I became more connected to its’ promise.
Then I had to consider what my husband would think. I DID NOT think, “Oh, Mike is going to love this DD stuff.” I actually wasn’t sure he would go for it, as chronicled in my first several posts. Contrary to popular belief, I’ve learned that husbands aren’t always eager to officially take the mantle of Head of Household and all the rights bestowed therein.
I hadn’t fully envisioned what DD was going to mean for us, other than I connected with submitting to Mike. I also somehow innately knew that my submitting was going to require tremendous communication and sharing all our deeply held wishes and desires. That part excited me more than anything. THAT was the moment when the Domestic Discipline light bulb switched on!
The name of my blog is Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style. It’s not “Mike Style.” And if you read my first dozen plus posts, you’ll see it was DD on MY terms. So even then, I was still defining our DD based on what I THOUGHT would make Mike happy. But in hindsight, I think for us it was absolutely necessary that we entered Domestic Discipline in that way. I needed to be in control of letting go of control, and Mike, as a newbie Dom, needed to know what he was doing was clearly aligned with my needs and desires. So for us, it worked!
But here we are. I am a submissive wife who submits to her husband on his terms. What fulfillment do I get from that? Not some esoteric “Why do I submit?” What feeling do I get today from submitting to my husband and being subject to his leadership and discipline?
Next post. I promise to get it up in a day or two! If not, Mike can spank me on your behalf! Well, to be precise, he can spank me on my backside, but in your honor!
I have come to realize that as a child I had a feelings of guilt, anger, and rejection. Those feelings were also surrounded with plenty of warm and loving feelings, as shared in my Backstory.The negative feelings were not all-consuming. But, as stated in my prior post, there were many “mundane” experiences that embedded some of those negative feelings into my pysche.
I won’t share them all. They were nothing overtly traumatic. Something as an adult you’d say, “And why did that bother you?” But to the mind of the seven year old that experienced it, the answer seems obvious. Exactly the sentiment expressed in my Childhood is Wasted on Childrenpost.
I was keenly aware that I was my dad’s “favorite.” You can read more in my About page. In many ways this was a positive, but as an adult I started to reflect and recognize it also had some negatives. I felt guilty my siblings didn’t get to experience the best of my dad. Why me? Why should I be the lucky one? I felt I hadn’t done anything to deserve what my siblings missed out on. I think my people pleasing was a manifestation of trying to show I deserved the love and attention I got. In my mind, I had to do something, – anything – to earn what was so freely given to me.
Parenting can be such a sucky thing! I mean, you’d think showing unconditional love and support to a child would be uber-nurturing and self-affirming for that child. Nope! Even that, through the reasoning skills of a child, can be warped into a guilt-inducing thing.
Another example – there were a couple of occasions where my dad didn’t allow me to do some things with my siblings and cousins, who were all older than me. Those events really stuck with me as I interpreted it as there being something wrong with me such that he felt I didn’t deserve to do whatever fun thing the older kids were doing. Odd that I don’t have any specific memories of my mom doing the exact same thing, although I know she did so countless times. But it was my dad’s “rejection” that stuck with me so much that I can recall all the specific situations where this occurred.
As I said in my prior post, these experiences don’t have to be overtly traumatic. I was never abused and all these “negative” experiences were wrapped in a lot of loving experiences. They were mundane things that the mind of a child had to interpret and rationalize. At the time, being the much younger one of the group didn’t mean my parents made sure I had age appropriate experiences and that my siblings and cousins didn’t have to always worry about me tagging along. No, it meant there was something wrong with me and something missing from their love for me.
HOW I “FIXED” IT AS A CHILD
I realize now that the way I “fixed” this as a child was to conform and make as little fuss as possible in hopes that would both show that I deserved the tremendous love I got as well as “buy” the missing pieces of love I felt from being “rejected.” I became a people-pleaser and abandoned my own needs, so much so, my own needs became that need to please. That isn’t necessarily a bad trait, but it was pleasure based on what I thought would please people, not what necessarily actually pleased them.
Conflicting with the need to please was my mom’s enduring mantra, “Love life, every moment, every day.” And that if I wasn’t loving life, it was up to me to change it. Not a man, not a drug, not anyone but me.
I found that trying to please others was hard because I didn’t know what pleased them. I hit upon the idea that I had to first be happy, as you can’t make anyone happy if you’re not happy. Truth that!! But I went about it the wrong away because I rooted my happiness in what I THOUGHT made others happy. I became highly invested in that mindset such that I would get offended if my motives weren’t respected and applauded.
As I look back at my life pre-DD, I realize I was living much of my life as an impartial observer. I was in a constant rush to achieve my goals, pursue my dreams, and I was suffering from not having a free moment to myself. I was overburdened and lived in constant stress. What was important to me was truly unimportant in the scheme of things. I thought I was living life, every moment, every day, but it was fake. It was a hypnotic dream. (See Post 30. I Found my Thrillwhere I elaborated on this concept).
I now understand how the habits I cultivated as a child, set me up for failure as an adult. It’s one thing to put others needs before your own when fully motivated by the act of doing so with no expectation of getting something directly in return. But doing so because you think it will “buy” you love, adoration, appreciation, and respect? You’re in for a big disappointment. It will backfire as you will eventually feel unappreciated, burned out, angry, and resentful.
HOW I “FIXED” IT AS AN ADULT
How on earth did I figure submitting to my husband and a lifestyle of Domestic Discipline was the answer?
It’s hard to explain, but in looking back, I don’t think submission was the directanswer to my problems.
The answer to my problems was to accept my lack of control over how others, especially my husband, chose to treat me. Further, if someone was being unloving to me, I no longer had the need or desire to “earn” their love. I needed to accept what it means to take care of myself and accept that I have no control over how another person chooses to be.
Accepting that I can’t control other’s feelings or behavior has freed me to take loving care of myself. And I do that by behaving the way I want to behave, by truly making myself happy so that I can then be in a mindset that is capable of bringing joy to others. THAT was my answer. It just so happens that they way I wanted to behave and the way I truly make myself happy falls under the definition of a submissive wife.
I know that sounds like a giant leap, but going all the way back to my Third Post, I believe THAT is why the idea of submission resonated with me as I shared in that post. It was always within me, I just didn’t know it. For whatever reason, be it those childhood experiences or mid-life crisis, or whatever — submitting to my husband fulfills me and has made my marriage indestructible and fulfilling beyond anything I could have imagined or can even fully articulate. But maybe 364 posts have begun to scratch the surface!
By the way, all this self-reflection was triggered by Chelsea. I’ll provide an update and conclusion of sorts on her stay with us. Her stay prompted me to think about where my need to submit comes from. I still may not have fully answered it, and maybe won’t ever do so. But you now have some of the pieces that I think make up at least part of the answer.
That’s not a typo. I did mean “irrative.” You’ll have to read this post to find out why. Of course, you can scroll right down to the last section if you don’t care to submit yourself to my ramblings.
Picking up where I left off on the last post. Why do I submit? Again, you can read many posts about my views on submission and happiness by going to my Shortcuts and choosing from my favorite posts on this topic.
I tried to do my best not to repeat my former ramblings and give you all fresh new ramblings, but I think most of this post turned out to be a re-hash of things I’ve previously opined. It may take me one more post to get to some newer, fresher, thoughts on my submission.
BOYS TO MEN
I will start going back to my formative years of youth and how I approached my relationship with boys and eventually with men, including why I was attracted to Mike. As shared before, I met and dated Mike in high school where we dated off on and for several years. We had a different group of friends which made it difficult, but we always remained on friendly terms even when not dating each other. We reconnected shortly after high school – and the rest is history.
What attracted me to Mike, even in high school, was that he always seemed to want nothing more than to make ME happy. I never felt like I had anything to prove to him. Contrast that with other boys I dated who clearly wanted me to make them happy. I say “clearly” but as I look back on it, it was less about them and more about my own perceptions. For some reason most boys made me FEEL like it was my job to make them happy. As I look back, I can say it was more about my own perceptions than anything they overtly did.
Maybe it was “societal norms” influencing my perceptions. Whatever the case, being in charge of a adolescent male’s happiness is a lot of pressure for anyone, let alone an adolescent female. It leads to a lot of self doubt and worry about whether you are being a “good girlfriend.” Feelings that are pretty normal even without any added pressures. But for some reason, I just never felt that way around Mike.
I “DIDN’T CARE” ABOUT MIKE
I think I was a better girlfriend and a better person to Mike because I never cared how he saw me. I know that sounds strange. I mean, I wanted him to like me, and later love me and marry me. But I could be more myself around him versus anyone else. I think that raised my self esteem and made me more attractive to him. And funny thing, he says the same about me. He said he always felt more confident around me, less insecure, more himself. I guess that’s why we clicked!
I strongly believe we attract those who like the vibe we put off. If you are negative, nagging, anxious, insecure, you attract men who like and thrive on that. Yes, there are plenty of men who seek that in a woman. When you truly embrace your feelings, go from needy and anxious to relaxed and sensuous, your vibe attracts an entirely different person. And yes, some men are intimidated and repelled by that.
I always felt deliriously safe with Mike. I believe it was because I didn’t feel compelled to focus on him, and could focus on me. A good man wants to make you happy. When you’re happy, he’s happy, when he’s happy, you’re happy, and the happiness just feeds on itself.
HAPPINESS CAN BE A FOUR LETTER WORD
The challenge is, figuring out what truly makes you happy. The trick is, it’s really hard to know what truly makes you happy. You might be pursuing some idealized version of “happiness” that leaves you very empty, yet you continue your pursuit of it. That type of happiness is a four letter word.
For a long time I thought happiness had to be the “do-it-all-wife.” Work, kids, the whole works. As a parent, I had to be the super-parent, taking on any and everything without asking Mike for help. Why was I so reluctant to involve Mike? I think I figured that out, but will get to that later. For now, let’s soak in my attitude at that time.
I doubled down on my efforts once I became a stay-at-home-mom. My thinking was that if I am not working, I had to take even more parenting and household stuff off of Mike’s plate. Then when our youngest was born and had special needs, I made a conscious effort to take on even more to help minimize the impact our son’s needs had on Mike.
You’re probably saying, “where was Mike during all this.” Oh, he was there, but I was doing my best to keep him at a distance. Over time I pushed him out of a lot of things, even interacting with our kids. At least he had the gumption to insert himself, despite my protests, else he would have missed out on many experiences.
For instance, I would be happy to take the kids on an outing on the weekend to give Mike a free day off of work to relax. He had to practically beg to come along to an outing as I insisted he relax. While my motives were well intended, I eventually learned they made him feel unwelcome in joining his own family on outings . Ouch!
I was not happy, and neither was Mike. No need to re-hash my first few posts about my life pre-DD. You can read them starting here.
In summary, I was doing what I thought made me happy and I thought Mike needed. And Mike, being who he is, was giving me a lot of latitude in doing those things as he wanted to make me happy. But in doing so I was wearing myself down, shutting him out of a lot of things, and not feeling fulfilled by all the things I was doing. And instead of changing, I would just double down even further at what I was already doing. I had this attitude that if was I was doing wasn’t making me happy, maybe if I did it even harder I would be happy.
Doh! Easy to see the error in that thinking now, but at that time, there was no telling me otherwise. Thus, this small shred of mutual resentment appeared. It then started to get larger over time. Then along came DD and our world and marriage and life changed for the better!
BUT WHY WAS I DRAWN TO SUBMISSION?
DD forced me to think about what made me happy. I realized that the happiness I thought I had was false. Post 30. I Found My Thrill sums it up the best, so I won’t rehash it here.
Well, this post has dragged on and on with no real resolution as to what may be behind the tremendous fulfillment I get from serving my husband. Hey, getting to the bottom of such things can be an iterative process, but I will there. It just may take another post or two.
Ha. I made a typo when I first wrote this and typed “irrative” process” instead of iterative. Maybe a Freudian slip! Irrative isn’t a word, but it should be! It’s quite irritating to me to not understand what is at the root of things I think and feel. Hence the reason I started my blog as it helps me to do so.
Anyways, maybe I’ll just have to torture you with one more post about me rambling on about myself. I know you’d rather hear about something sexy or raunchy. Sorry, but if you’re a long time reader, you know you have to suffer the occasional slings and arrows of my outrageous ramblings before you’re rewarded with the “good” stuff. Hey, who just said, “Since when has anything Jen posted been good?” Stop that!
Two things I forgot to include the last post.. . .
CLIFFHANGER – DICK & BELT OR TAKE THE OUT? I meant to close out the cliffhanger from Post 360. Finger Spankin’ Good. Did I choose Dick & Belt, or did I take the out Mike offered me?
I only had moments to formulate a response. I quickly assessed all the pros and cons and —- I took the out!
I can get dick any time, and as for the belt, as much as I accept spankings, guess what? They hurt! So given the opportunity, I’ll opt-out. I was already spanked a bit and I think my orgasm also contributed to my dick-free mood. Plus, I wanted to make a point that, as much as I appreciated the “deviation from the norm,” (aka “the nice finger fuck”), I strive to keep sex and discipline separate.
And that’s the perfect segue. . . .
SEX BLOGGER RESOURCE & AWARDS I encourage you to check out Kinkly and subscribe! tI’s one of my favorite sites. Their Sex Blogger Directory is a great resource for finding blogs that relate to your tastes and desires.
I’ve been listed in their Superheroes List in the past. Something like #360-ish out of 500. Nice to be listed! They are currently taking votes for their updated list.
WARNING: No mentions of sex or spankings in this post.
I had a mega-post all written. So big in fact that I needed to break it up into three separate posts. But then, I decided not to post it at all. – DELETE! –
I concluded that, at that level of detail, it is not my story to share. Three posts about Chelsea are enough (357. We are Four. 358. Chelsea Moves In. 359. DD will Amp you Up). You’re stuck with me writing about my favorite topic – Me – and howbetter understanding Chelsea’s journey has taught me some things about myself, and people in general.
CHILDHOOD WASTED ON CHILDREN? It’s a shame that childhood has to be experienced through the mind of a child! Why does such a grand time in our life, the most formative time of our life, have to be lived through the lens of a child? Why does childhood have to be wasted on children?
I say that a tongue-in-cheek to make a point that so much of what we experience as a child shapes us as adults. The problem is those experiences were interpreted through the reasoning and coping skills of a child.
Childhood experiences can have a tremendous effect on us throughout our life. And how our child-self interprets them can be so varied such that kids growing up in the same household with similar experiences can end up with totally different views about those experiences.
Those views are powerful because the conclusions we reached about an experience as a child BECOMES the conclusion that is forever embedded in our psyche. We become slaves to the reasoning skills of a child.
No matter how much we are told or provided clear evidence that an experience wasn’t our fault, or that we misinterpreted what happened, or whatever the case – there is no convincing that child otherwise. As a result, as adults, we remain mired in whatever emotions the experience triggered in our child-self and those emotions can sometimes become all-consuming.
GRANDMA’S COFFEE I have a fond memory of my grandmother. I was four or five years old. I know my age because it occurred at a house they sold by the time I was six.
I walked into the kitchen and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the air. She was standing, rather stoic, near the door of the back porch adjacent to the kitchen. She was staring out into her well-manicured back yard. The slight breeze of crisp and cool air seeped in through the screen door. To this day I remember the smell of the coffee, the smell of the air, the touch of the breeze on my cheek, and the look in my grandmother’s eyes.
It was a thirty second experience, or less, before she saw me and said something that broke the moment. I have no recollection of what she said, or of anything else about that day. I surmise the reason this brief experience was seared into my memory was because the look in my grandmother’s eyes. It was more stoic than serene. Even at four or five, I recognized she was deep in though about something very meaningful to her. There was something about her look that made a permanent impression in my mind. That “marker” allowed me to retain all the wonderful details about the moment.
I long to go to that house, stand by the back patio to the kitchen, door open, crisp morning air coming through the screen door, and enjoy a cup of coffee. So much so that I discovered the house is now a vacation rental. Once COVID is over, we hope to rent it! I think my love of coffee is rooted in that experience. When we are ready to rent it, I sure hope there’s a cool morning like the one in my memory.
That was a positive childhood experience. My point is, it was very mundane and inexplicable as to why that memory was seared into my psyche and gives me joy today. It doesn’t make much sense given the countless joyful things I experienced with my grandmother, but I couldn’t tell you of a single smell or what the air was like or the look in her eyes like I can for that morning in the kitchen.
But what about negative experiences? How you interpreted them as a child is now a part of who you are as an adult. Hard wired, deeply rooted, metastasized throughout the core of who you are, how you think, how you treat others, and most importantly, how you think about yourself. And those “negative experiences” could be things that are obviously traumatic, such as abuse. But they also could be over something that was mundane, yet our child-like minds interpreted them otherwise.
CHELSEA REVISITED Suffice to say Chelsea had some traumatic experiences, and making them worse, they weren’t just cloaked in secrecy between those directly involved. It was a systemic, collective community of secrets, rooted in religion and family tradition. And while you can imagine what some of them might be, some of what she shared were truly mundane things that she interpreted a certain way.
Jaime is due back in about two weeks. Only in the last few days has Chelsea began 100% opening up with Jaime about everything. Not so much her childhood experiences – she says she shared all of that with him when they were dating. No, more importantly, she is sharing what those experiences mean to her. How they influence her, how they have defined her, and how she is striving to have them no longer define herself.
By changing those definitions, she is changing a part of who she is. Change is scary, for her, and for Jaime. While I don’t know what this means for their marriage long term, I sense this is bringing them closer together, not further apart. It’s just that the “new together” that defines their relationship will be different. Not sure exactly how or to what degree, but ultimately, they are changes for the better as far as resulting in a happy, complete, fulfilled, and secure young woman.
WHAT ABOUT ME? I said this post would be about me. Well, I guess I lied. There was a bit about Chelsea there. ANYWAY – In addition to my realization that one problem with childhood is that it is experienced by children, it also got me thinking about why I connect so strongly to submitting to my husband. It caused me to re-examine my child-mind to better understand what is that makes submission so fulfilling and wonderful to me.
It goes back all the way toPost 3. The Search when I shared how I stumbled on the idea of Domestic Discipline. As I shared in that post, I approached it with repulsive feelings, and as I read more, I felt the repulsion melt and be replaced with giddy anticipation over what is possible. Why?
You can read thirteen posts I’ve highlighted in my Shortcutsregarding my thoughts on being submissive or the nine posts I highlighted in the Shortcuts under the heading, Finding Happiness.
I’ve read through all of them again, and while all true to my feelings, they don’t fully get to the root at trying to explain why submission fulfills me. I think I will give that a go on my next post! Uh-oh, esoteric ramble time!
Chelsea’s been here a week. While parts of her day are filled with emotion-filled discovery, overall it is upbeat and joyful. It’s nice to have someone different to interact with as it’s been six-months of either isolation or significant separation from fellow humans thanks to Covid.
Chelsea brings a different energy to the house. She’s a bit frenetic, a bit of nervous energy. I feel like Cesar Milan, (the dog whisperer), in that I know she will thrive if she can just maintain a calm submissive state! Ruff-ruff!
I’ve learned a lot more about her upbringing, fears, anxieties, and aspirations. She always struck me as being confident, but now I see her confidence was cover for significant feelings of inadequacy. I can also see her need to present a false sense of confidence is slowly being replaced by real confidence. It isn’t easy. There is a lot of insecurity in her and it will take a long time for her to fully squash it. At least she recognizes there is a healthy way to address it: Trust and be vulnerable to those you have invited into your life! I am SOOO digging that phrase!
I am sure I will have an update or two along the way during her visit. Especially if she decides it’s time to have a serious talk with Jaime. She might wait for him to return home. We shall see. I think a lot of her current anxiety is around having “the talk” with Jaime. A lot of her future rides on his reaction. While uncertain, my bet is he will be supportive and they will come out better for it. Always the optimist!
SWITCHING GEARS Now for something completely different.
Given that it’s kinky, I guess it isn’t THAT different.
I’ve shared that I don’t like to mix sex with my discipline. For me they are distinct. While our sex can sometimes included kinky things like a slap on various body parts, and our play can sometimes include flogging of various body parts, none of those activities are in the context of discipline.
It’s different for Kayla in that, for her, sex and discipline can mix. A spanking or other form of discipline from Mike can often end in sexual acts of one kind or other. I understand it to a degree. and recognize that sometimes I feel aroused during discipline. One trigger in particular that tends to increase the moisture (aka “get me wet) is Mike’s words. Sometimes a harsh lecture turns me on!
Despite any arousal, I’ve shared with Mike my desire to keep sex separate from discipline. I haven’t really given deep thought into why that is important to me, it just is. Mike has always respected. Well, not 100% of the time.
I was spanked yesterday. Car registration and inspection were due by the end of August and it’s my responsibility to take care of it. I forgot. I got it done today, so luckily didn’t get a ticket. While that would have made things worse, it still isn’t an excuse for getting off without some discipline. And for added context, I’ve been spanked over the last few weeks for other things that go under the category of “I forgot.” Some grocery items I was to pick up, some errand I was to run.
I am highly organized around my household duties and quick to enter any task into my calendar on my phone with plenty of reminders set to ensure I meet my commitments. I think the string of forgetfulness was simply over confidence. I had started to no bother to enter things in my phone and just store the reminder in my head. Not a good idea.
Given the string of forgetfulness, Mike gave me a very stern lecturing. While I always find them erotically humbling, for whatever reason, this one was particularly arousing. I think part of it was that while not in our bedroom as an eyewitness, Chelsea was clearly able to overhear everything Mike was saying. I don’t know if that stimulated the exhibitionist in me, or what exactly was going on in my body.
I think part of it was that I liked the fact that Mike was undeterred simply because Chelsea could hear. He was going to say and do what needed to be said and done, no matter who heard. I liked that. Also, I had not been allowed to orgasm in three days.
I don’t connect to anything related to DDlg, but I do find lectures to be infantilizing. It makes me feel like a little girl. I like that feeling, but only in the context of his lectures. Odd. Hey, don’t question what turns you on, just go with it!
THE SPANKING FINGERING So here we are, Mike lecturing me. We are nude, by the way, as is our default when we are home. He puts me over his knee and begins to spank me by hand. I can sense I am wet down there, but I don’t know to what degree. At some point, he readjusted my position across his lap. I don’t know if he felt something on his leg or his hand as it brushed between my legs.
He gave me three hard smacks and said, “My, you are wet, aren’t you?”
“Yes, Sir, I guess so,” I replied.
Three more hard smacks, and then he spread my legs and reached around and rubbed the outside of my pussy, giving it three strokes with closed fingers.
“No guessing. You most certainty are,” he said smugly.
While he didn’t rub hard, each stroke made me flinch and with each one I let out a little whimper, each whimper a little longer than the one before.
“Like that?” he asked.
“Yes, Sir.” I said coldly, no expression. I was feeling like my body was betraying me.
He resumed spanking me, as I expected. After about twenty or thirty, he began to rub my butt, which is not unusual. Clearly I was sexually aroused. Just the rubbing of my butt elicited not just a small whimper, but a subconscious writhing of my body, which was still laid out across his lap.
Mike’s movements throughout the spanking had slid my body so that his knee was close to being between my legs. He then guided my body so that his knee was firmly between my legs. It wasn’t a push.. It was a guide, and I did not resist. I quickly started humping his leg, softly at first, then more intently and with purpose.
I wasn’t even thinking about this being a spanking. After grinding on his leg for I don’t know how long, he pulled my body back up into a proper spanking position. He gave me a few more hard whacks and then slid his hand between my legs and started playing with my pussy.
Before long he was fully fingering me and my twisting and contorting across his lap became more and more animated. It didn’t stop until I orgasmed.
As I was catching my breath, still sprawled across his knee, Mike remarked, “Well, that wasn’t much of a punishment?”
“Best punishment, ever,” I said with a smile.
Whack. He smacked my butt hard and sarcastically said, “Best punishment, ever. . . SIR”
“Yes, Sir. Best punishment ever, Sir,” I said in a seductive voice. And feeling a stiffness against my belly I said, “And do you need me to take care of that erection, Sir?”
“Now Jen, you know this isn’t your thing to mix discipline with sex. While too late for that, do you really want to go further?”
“Yes,” I replied.
Mike thought for a moment and said, “Well, here’s the deal. You can suck me off and I give you a proper spanking of 25 with the belt, or we can conclude this punishment now and that’s that. No sucking.”
Mike was clearly being playful, but I knew he meant it as well. He was actually giving me a choice between giving him head AND being spanked versus avoiding further spankings. Heck, I was fully sexually satisfied at the moment, so any dick sucking would be 100% for his satisfaction. Do I want to endure the belt when there is no upside for me? The answer seemed obvious.
But I also took Mike’s tone as a bit of a playful dare. He was taunting me to accept the spanking. “I know we messed up and mixed pain with pleasure. We shouldn’t violate your values so nonchalantly. It seems that you owe it to yourself to finish me off and then be properly punished.”
Arg! What to do! Uphold my long held position that the sanctity of my discipline should not be violated by sex, or spare the sting of the belt? I love playful games with Mike. And I love to feel victorious in these games. But which one was “victory” for me? What did I do? Inquiring minds want to know.
REFLECTION This incident did not mark a change in my desires to keep discipline separate from sex. It was simply one of those things that is bound to happen from time to time. No need to fight it. No need to over analyze it.
I let Mike know it is my wish to continue our tradition of keeping it separate. No regrets or remorse over what happened. Quite the opposite. It was fun! We can be playful at times, even during a punishment. Exceptions to every rule, as long as we both agree.
I am debating whether or not to tell you if I took the “dick and belt” or graciously accepted the out. (Ha. Dick and Belt sounds like a good name for a morning radio duo. “It’s Dick and Belt in the morning, coming to you on KBDSM radio). I digress)
When Chelsea arrived she emptied her suitcase and other personal items in our guest bedroom and joined us in the living room as Mike calls us together for this unique “Maintenance Session” as explained in my prior post.
And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for someone to articulate to someone else. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.
As I left off in the prior post, Mike stated, “. . . I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”
Chelsea didn’t say anything right away. It’s like I could sense the wires starting to connect… zzzt, zzzt, zzzzzzt!
With the saddest face humanly possible, she mumbled, “But. But. But, what if I’m not enough? What if there’s something wrong with me?”
And then she cried.
Mike immediately went to her and held her. He assured her that no matter what, it can only be right.
I recognized Chelsea had a lot she needed to get off her chest. I felt like the setting might be intimating for her. Seemingly ready to reveal her worst fears in life, I felt the fewer people around the better. Overcoming my predisposition to be nosy, I knew my presence wasn’t valuable. While Kayla is her best friend, I sensed even having her around might be a bit much. Chelsea said what she said to Mike, staring straight at him as if we weren’t even there. I asked Mike if Kayla and I could leave the room and he agreed.
I don’t have a bad relationship with Chelsea, but it hasn’t evolved to be one best suited for what it appeared she needed at that moment. I’ve never had a meaningful one-on-one discussion with her. Probably the most I ever talked to her without Mike or Kayla around was during our threesome with TJ. A totally different context!
Mike and Chelsea were left in our living room as Kayla and I retreated to our bedroom. It was about two hours before Mike came in, Chelsea in hand. He said we will watch a movie and just relax together. (We watched The One and Only Ivan. It was okay. Various sub-plots going on and worth a watch on television but I am glad we didn’t spend movie money on it. Sort of what you probably feel about reading my blog! lol). Chelsea sat on the couch between Mike and Kayla, and I was sitting in the recliner. Chelsea was gripping Mike’s hand almost like a scared child. During the movie she ended up with her head on his shoulder, and she fell asleep. It wasn’t that late. Maybe 8:30 or 8:45 p.m.
After about thirty minutes of her sleeping, Mike gently woke her and softly asked her if she would like to go to bed. She nodded and he whispered for her to get ready for bed and he would come to the room in a bit.
He went to the bedroom and didn’t return to the living room for about forty-five minutes. He asked Kayla to talk to Chelsea, so she did. It got later and later and eventually both me and Mike got ready for bed and could still hear the mumbling of Kayla and Chelsea talking.
Kayla eventually emerged and asked Mike if she could sleep with Chelsea. “As in sleep, sleep, no sex,” she clarified. She said Chelsea didn’t want to be alone. Mike agreed and oddly, he added, “And if it leads to sex, so be it. I’ll leave that up to you.”
I didn’t ask Mike to tell me what Chelsea shared. I’ve learned from my relationship with Kayla that it is best to leave it up to her to share with me what she wants. There shouldn’t be this assumption that I “deserve” or demand to know everything they discuss or do with Mike. They are free to explore and develop their relationship with him, free from my hovering around it. In this case, Mike told Chelsea he would share things with me, thus. . .
Mike told me that Chelsea indeed has a lot of “sorting out to do.” I pretty much nailed it in my assessment that she isn’t connected to what she is truly feeling or truly wants. Mike said that’s only half of it.
I don’t intend to turn my blog into the “Chelsea life story blog.” But the run down is this:
CHELSEA’S CHALLENGES 1. She’s uncertain of her sexuality She thinks she might be gay. Bisexual for sure. Prefers women, not to say that she doesn’t love Jaime. It’s just “different, complicated, and confusing.”
2. Jaime’s fidelity Jaime cheated on her a lot before they got married, supposedly not since. She never really reconciled it in her mind and continues to blame herself for not being enough for him during that time.
3. She fears not being enough She loves her husband and wants him to be happy and be the one for him to be happy with. Her guilt and insecurities (my words) made her put tremendous pressure on herself and her hopes that D/s would transform their relationship for the better. She personally likes being submissive and was eager to embrace D/s. Her expectations were very high. She feels she connected with D/s and gets to be more of her true self as a submissive. This makes Jaime’s perceived rejection of it all the more painful to her.
4. She’s loves being submissive While loving the idea of being submissive, it only has felt right to her when Mike is the one providing direction or delivering consequences. She admitted to acting up (aka “bratting”) with Jaime so that Jaime would have to take action. Instead, Jaime would often turn to Mike in frustration.
She likes submitting to Jaime, but, in her words, “he’s bad at being a Dom.” And despite all the issues, she is convinced she loves Jaime but not convinced he loves her.
5. Swinging/swap conflict She hasn’t fully reconciled the whole swinging/swap stuff within our COT. Part of her feels it’s Jaime’s way of demonstrating she isn’t enough for him. But at the same time, she said they both found it exciting and they connected in new ways. They both were open with each other about what they did, what they felt, what they liked, what they didn’t. She cherished those conversations and it made her feel good that he enjoyed it and enjoyed her enjoying it. But she isn’t 100% convinced. Again, lots of insecurities.
6. She’s in love with Kayla Yeah, there’s that. She admitted it.
WHAT DOES JAIME KNOW? Mike asked her how much of this she discussed with Jaime. Virtually none!
She thinks sharing her thoughts about her sexuality would be unfair because she hasn’t figured it out herself. “What if I am wrong and he freaks out over nothing? What if he thinks it means I don’t love him or that he is inadequate in some way? What if he leaves?”
She wants a life with him, as his wife, kids, all that. My thoughts are that she’s not gay, bisexual for sure, and will hopefully come to terms with it at her own pace regarding what it means for her and her marriage.
She’s mortified to address their D/s and our COT. “What if I am right and he never wanted it or liked any of it. I feel so embarrassed for liking it myself.” My two cents is that he enjoys her submission and the COT. I think he is just as insecure as she is. That insecurity comes off as indifference. There’s just too much left unsaid between them and their individual insecurities are filling in the gaps.
She said they did have conversations about the swinging, but she never revealed her motivations behind it – motivations based on pleasing him. And while they mutually shared the genuine excitement and energy it brought to their relationship, she never told him that it also includes feelings of not being enough or being discarded. Despite her liking so many things about it, at its root it represented her failings as a wife. Those horrible feelings were conflicted with the thrill it also brought to both of them and their relationship. And her love of the eperiences with other women was conflicted with her concerns about her sexual identity.
All of this was from her eight hours with us! Things sure move fast in my kink-vortex! I’ve got a theory about why that is, but I’ll save that for some other post.
MY NEW NARRATIVE The next day we followed through with our plans and Chelsea shadowed me much of the day, and then shadowed Kayla the next, she even saw Kayla get spanked. And I’ve now had the opportunity to talk to Chelsea one-on-one for quite awhile and I’ve adjusted my narrative about her.
She knows who she is, she’s just afraid to show it, both to herself, and to others. A fear based in her childhood that she carried forward to her marriage. Her ability to articulate what she wants is hiding behind the thinnest veneer. Once punctured, she has been very articulate, clear, and more importantly, confident.
She wants to be married to Jaime. She wants to let him lead and needs to work with him on defining what that means on his terms, not hers. She wants an open marriage, especially wants to explore her sexuality more. She understands that may be hard on Jaime as he may fear her leaving him for a woman. They’ll just have to work that out and it is no different than her fears he could leave her for another woman. “Who knows,” she said, “maybe we find a win-win and get ourselves a third!”
She likes D/s and loves the idea of submitting, to Jaime, to Mike, or to a woman. She feels the most comfortable in a submissive role, including being disciplined. She said she always felt fine being spanked as a child. Not that she enjoyed it, but that it didn’t make her feel defective and she doesn’t feel scarred by it. To her it was effective and she believes it is “appropriate for a husband to spank his wife. ”
When she said that, I was ready to denounce that concept. I don’t buy into it as being “appropriate” in the way she was using that word. She was using it as meaning “natural order of things.” Ug. That’s not my belief. I’ve ranted about that before so will spare you another rant. Suffice to say, I bit my tongue and accepted that if it was right for her, then so be it. (120. Is this submissive a feminist, and 350. Equity and Fairness)
WHAT NOW? For now she is waiting to have her deep dive conversation with Jaime. She wants to continue talking with us, flexing her ability to articulate her feelings and better understand what it is she is feeling. And by us, I do mean us. She’s opened up to me and I think likes the attention from all three of us, especially Mike. She Facetimes every day with Jaime, and Jaime even noted her upbeat demeanor. It seems she is feeling good about the direction she is headed.
BTW, Chelsea didn’t have sex with Kayla that first night. They just cuddled and went to sleep. There’s some things that have to be sorted out there because Chelsea loves Kayla. Kayla loves her to but not in that same way, so it’s unfair to pursue the sexual activities if the feelings are unbalanced. And there is the whole thing of what role Mike plays in Chelsea’s life and her dynamic within her marriage. But all of those things flow from Chelsea first needing to establish a stronger sense of self. Once that is done, everything else should be much easier to sort out.
I’ve always stated that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, or go down a path of exploring kinks (which is related to vulnerability), the experience serves as an AMPLIFIER for what your relationship already has. If there are fears, insecurities, and confusion, they will be amplified ten-fold. If there is trust, acceptance, and confidence, that too will be amplified ten-fold.
And Domestic Discipline amplifies all of them even more.
First off, to be clear, my title of my last post was a bit of creative puffery, making something appear more alarming that it is. Mike has no intentions of Chelsea becoming a “fourth” in our marriage. Three’s Company is enough for this marriage. Let’s jump right in.
When Mike told me Chelsea would move in, before he even asked me what I thought, he shared a bit of his thinking.
He said Jaime and Chelsea were having problems and Jaime felt their problems would intensify if Chelsea were left alone while he was gone. Chelsea didn’t want to be alone that long, but didn’t have any options other than go stay with her parents, and she didn’t want to do that for many reasons.
Chelsea has physically changed a lot since mid-March. She’s gained about 35-40 pounds. From about 115 to the 150 range. She looks great as honestly, I feel she was underweight at 115. She’s 5’8. I had stated 5’9 previously, but stand corrected! She is very petite. “Small boned” as they say. So even at around 115 she didn’t look as light as she weighed, if that makes sense. Point is, she’s put on a lot of weight in a short amount of time and her current weight is still well within healthy limits. The issue is that the pace of the gain may be a symptom of something else.
Jaime also said she is drinking more. They often have wine and even a mixed drink here and there, but rarely enough to be anything more than minor-buzz-inducing. More recently she has got passed out drunk on more than one occasion.
Mike had been keeping in contact with the two of them throughout Covid, via Zoom, Facetime, and calls, and texts. Chelsea had been begging Mike to allow them to come over or for Kayla or for him to visit in person, but Mike said no.
Lastly, while Jaime said it was his idea to have her stay with us, she was 100% onboard and loved the idea. As for sex, Jaime also told Mike that he was comfortable with whatever transpired and if Chelsea was comfortable having sex with anyone, he was fine with it. He just wanted Chelsea to tell him about it.
It was clear to me that Chelsea would benefit from professional counseling, but that was not going to happen. With Jaime leaving, she needed someone there to support her right away. Friends would have to do. We would have to do. Mike said we would do the same if it were Donna, Kim,or Jill. It wasn’t about our lifestyle, it was about friends helping friends.
Okay, I am in! HOWEVER. . . how did he see us helping?
Mike’s first thought was to rely on DD. Chelsea was submitting to Jaime in that way, and pre-Covid Mike performed a lot of her discipline. She was very comfortable with Mike spanking her (in my mind, she prefers it over Jaime spanking her). Mike’s thinking and what he had discussed with Jaime and Chelsea was to approach it from a D/s perspective. Set clear rules and clear consequences for breaking the rules. And as far as sex goes, he felt Chelsea should be part of whatever she wanted to be a part of.
UG!!! NO! I completely disagreed, to say the least (but respectfully so).
I shared with Mike that I am not convinced she is really submissive. Yes, she goes through the motions, but I don’t know that it really connects to her or fulfills her. I think that is why she hasn’t responded to Jaime’s leadership/Dominance. Not only has Jaime been inconsistent, but I think Jaime senses it isn’t what Chelsea really wants. Jaime goes along with it but he too is going through the motions, not truly fulfilled by it.
Mike was horrified by that narrative. He immediately recognized the implications if that narrative were true. That the two of them sort of fell into it because of us, and weren’t aware enough about their own feelings to realize they didn’t belong.
Keep in mind I did not, and still do not, know whether my narrative is accurate. It is only a suspicion. I have not talked or observed Jaime or Chelsea nearly as much as Mike or Kayla have. So I could be wrong, but as shared with Mike, “What are the implications if I am correct?”
Mike agreed that while she would be staying with us, our goal would be to help start to find herself and to hopefully love what she finds. In a lot of ways, it’s a bit second nature to us. It’s very much the way we parented our children, and how we always supported Kayla.
Mike talked to Jaime about our new plan of action. Jaime deferred to Mike but said it best not to tell Chelsea until she was actually staying with us. Jaime was concerned she would be heartbroken and didn’t want her to be alone. Thus, Mike waited until she stayed with us before explaining how things would be.
SHE ARRIVES The first thing we did when she moved in was to have a “group Maintenance Session.” She loved the idea of that as she is well aware of Maintenance Sessions, although she was disappointed when this session didn’t include any spankings. The purpose of this session was to calibrate expectations. The ground rules are:
She would not be subject to any disciplinary actions. That is, no spankings from Mike if she misbehaved
No sex with any of us. She is free to masturbate, in private or subject to any rules Jaime has for her regarding that.
The three of us would NOT perform any sexual acts in her presence.
We asked her to take turns shadowing me all day, then Kayla all day. Joining us on our walks, helping us with whatever chores we had, and even witness any discipline we received. Exception is when she needed to attend class (virtually), study, or do homework.
We asked her to journal extensively about her thoughts and feelings regarding what she observed and about any aspect of her life. The journal was hers, with no expectation that she share it unless she wanted to.
She was encouraged to ask questions about anything and everything. That was more a rule for the three of us to follow to make sure we included her and was proactive in engaging her, asking her how she felt about certain things and hopefully get her to open up.
At some point we would reconvene, throw out these rules, and talk about what made sense going forward.
The point was not to mandate much of anything, but to suggest, encourage, and leave it up to her.
Her response was interesting. She didn’t want such latitude. She said she wanted to be told how it would be. She wanted to be held accountable if she didn’t behave accordingly. She became emotional and very teary eyed. She said to Mike, “Why won’t you just let me submit to you and be like Jen and Kayla?”
I was proud of Mike’s response.
“Because you are Chelsea. If you want to submit to me, then submit to being Chelsea for me. I don’t ask Kayla to be Jen, nor Jen to be Kayla, and I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”
And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for some people to realize. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.
My prior postended with stating I feel there is nothing that can ever mount a meaningful challenge to my perceptions about the happy, healthy, confident, secure, and fulfilled life I lead. One can never be so sure until that perception passes some tests.
Remember Chelsea? Here’s a recap. Her and her husband, Jaime, are part of our Circle of Trust (COT). A group of close friends with whom we have been known to swing/swap with on occasion as well as live our kinks out in the open.
The background is relevant to this post, I promise! And here is some more background before I get to what’s behind this post. If you want to skip to the point, then scroll down to the highlighted title after this one:
MORE BACKGROUND I liked Chelsea from the start. My initial assessment was that she lacks a filter, which I totally relate to, and speaks her mind. Her delivery is one of inquisitiveness. She is honestly curious. I described it in a prior post as “authentic.”
First impressions are funny things.
Over time I’ve found her to be, well. . . not so authentic. I think “competitive” is the better term. Competitive for her husband’s attention, competitive in submission with Kayla and Kayla’s life in general, and competitive for Mike’s affection. That competitiveness is all a veneer to deep insecurities.
I don’t sense any nefarious intent on her part. She isn’t consciously doing it to achieve some wicked result. It’s more of a protection mechanism she has developed. My arm-chair psychoanalysis of her is that she lacks maturity and a confidence.
She doesn’t really know who she is or what she wants. She copes with this by striving to emulate others she admires and she yearns for their approval. And because she doesn’t know what truly fulfills her, she isn’t always content with whatever transpires. She sees others liking something, so she does it. She doesn’t like it, and feels inadequate, guilty, or “less than,” because it didn’t give her the fulfillment it gives others.
This adds to her feeling of inadequacy and emptiness and her response is to double-down on mirroring those she admires instead of addressing her feelings and finding what truly makes her happy. Her actions and emotions or often only mirrors, and mirrors can only do three things: reflect, distort, and break.
Phew. Yeah, and I didn’t even charge her for that analysis! Seriously, I am not so arrogant to think I am 100% correct, but that narrative fits with all that I have observed, and I tend to observe people very closely.
It would be easy to blame her upbringing. If you didn’t read the links recapping her background, the short of it is she grew up in a household where corporal punishment was a family tradition and a family affair. I don’t think that is her issue. I think a lot of pressure was put on her as the oldest daughter – be the “perfect daughter” and check all the boxes for her parent’s notion of what it means to be a girl – a notion rooted in a highly patriarchal mind set.
On the outside she seems to have it together. She is very driven to finish college. She left home at 18 to get married and spent several years working hard to be in a position to go to college. She is about half way through getting her degree and gets excellent grades. For her, I believe her drive and self-discipline in certain aspects of her life serve as an emotional cover, as does alcohol to a certain extent.
Her husband is four years older than her. 24 to 28 isn’t much of an age difference, but consider they first started dating when she was just 16 and got married a month after she graduated high school. And where Chelsea puts off an air of confidence (and it is just an air), he puts on no airs. He is fairly shy, reserved, and his lack of self confidence is apparent.
She can easily pass for 18, with some effort, even younger. 5’9 115, very small frame. Light freckles, high cheekbones..baby-face. Visually she is in stark contrast to her burly husband who is probably about 220-225, 6 feet tall. And he looks older than he is. I think if they looked more alike it wouldn’t be uncommon for people to mistake her for his daughter.
AND YOUR POINT, JEN? Chelsea moved in with us two days ago.
Jaime is a plumber with his own business. Covid put a dent in his business. On one hand, more people home trying to cook meant more clogged drains and other plumbing issues. On the other hand, people were more apt to DYI and not have someone come into their home. He takes the appropriate Covid-precautions when going into people’s homes.
In addition to individual clients, he occasionally picks up work supporting construction – hotels, offices, stuff like that. He had been trying hard to pick up as many of these jobs as possible, wherever he can find them.
He got a job opportunity that’s about a 7-hour drive (still in Texas – Texas is a big state!). Initially it was only going to be a few weeks but he got lucky and the contractor had another job in that same city that needed plumbers. He decided to stay there for the duration of both projects and there is a possibility for him to pick up a third project. For now, the plan is he will be gone for about two months.
I’ve shared how Mike plays a part in Jaime and Chelsea’s dynamic. (Post 337. Outsourcing Domestic Discipline). Mike is like their DD coach, a kinky-sensei, a mentor, as they explore a more D/s dynamic in their marriage. Mike knows the two of them much better than I do. Same with Kayla since she is friends with Chelsea. I’d even call them best friends.
Apparently it was Jaime’s idea and he asked Mike if Chelsea could stay with us. Mike agreed if Chelsea seriously self-quarantined for two weeks after Jaime left. She did, and on Wednesday (day before yesterday), she moved in.
“Moved in” is an overstatement. But “visit” doesn’t quite cut it either. Jaime isn’t expected back until October 16.
DID I AGREE? Chelsea moved in with us two days ago. Mike didn’t ask me. He told me, but he did ask me what I thought.
It’s easy to misread “what do you think” as just lip service since he already made the decision. It’s not like that. When Mike asks me what I think, he expects a full a complete answer. I am not to hide my feelings, ever. The only condition is I express them respectfully.
It would be very easy to paint a narrative that Mike didn’t respect me enough to talk about it before he made a decision. Our relationship is not like that. I don’t expect that from him. Quite the opposite. I respect that he can make any decision with or without my input. While I like it when he asks me, I value and trust his intentions and abilities to determine what is good for our household.
My default narrative is to think of all the positives he sees in a decision he has made. Why would anyone think otherwise about their spouse? Well, we know why (I’ve been there), but that’s the pre-DD Jenny.
That doesn’t mean I don’t get to ask him questions or express my concerns. I can, and I do, but I don’t do it in a defensive way. My goal is not to “destroy” his reasoning and impose my will. My goal is to synchronize our collective reasoning and understanding. Ultimately, if that is not successful, then I fall back on my choice to submit and “let go, let Mike.”
A pre-DD thing for me to do would be to defensive, even angry, and “demand” an explanation. Instead, I knew Mike believed there was something positive to come from this. DD has taught me to listen and accept my husband’s loving intentions. I’ve learned to “think like Mike” before making my own assumptions about things.
And how does Mike think? He’s a “risk first” thinker, as opposed to a “benefits first” thinker. Me? I often think of the benefits and that’s good enough for me – full speed ahead! Mike? He assesses risk, then the benefits. I guess that’s why he’s good at business. He always says every business at it’s core is simply about assessing risk.
With my “Mike thinking cap” on, I was eager to learn what he identified as the risks, how he felt they could be mitigated, and why he felt the benefits outweigh those risks. No defensiveness. No animosity. No ill feelings. I just wanted to understand what he considered in making his decision and I knew from experience that he would be willing to share as well as be willing to address my concerns.
To be honest, my initial thought made me think of what Mike often tells me when we discuss what details I can share online. “What’s the upside?” So, Mike, what’s the upside?
It’s been awhile since I reflected on my submission. My submission has been on auto-pilot for at least a year, if not longer. Effortless. Routine. A reflex that is a part of me and my every day life. I believe that has contributed to my posting malaise.
At first, I wasn’t going to bother to blog about what I shared in Post 354. So much so that I had made a post (Post 353) that occurred after that first incident and I made no mention of the punishment. I was that blasé about it. It wasn’t until the second incident chronicled in myprior postthat I felt like sharing any of it.
I was at a point where I was overly self-conscious about my DD. I stated this before. It was like I needed to isolate it and protect it by not sharing something that I know some people find abhorrent. Funny thing is I didn’t feel that way about any other aspect of my lifestyle. The free-wheeling sex and stuff, no problem! But my husband spanking my hiney… well, that’s just too much!
Then I published #353. I felt a rush. A sensation I hadn’t felt from blogging in a long time. And I realized it really excites me to share those stories. I immediately recognized that feeling as a feeling I get anytime I feel exposed. AND I LOVE THAT FEELING.
It very much relates to my exhibitionist thrill. I’ve shared this thrill in several posts, but simply, I love the uncomfortable feeling of putting something out there for people to see and judge. It goes back to… well, come on now, if you are a long time reader you know what I am going to say. No ramble from Jen is complete without it. . . It goes back to vulnerability!
I love feeling vulnerable. Of the many posts on that topic, I like my first one the best. Short and to the point, unlike most of my posts). Sharing what I view as the most-generally-understood-to–be-socially- unacceptable aspects of my life is very vulnerable inducing! Thus as soon as I hit “Publish” I got this hit of dopamine or whatever “feel good” endorphins the body creates. Me like!
And it has lit a flame in my belly that I haven’t felt in some time regarding blogging. I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s time to open the kimono more frequently and share what’s going on in my life. Even if no one reads it, just putting it out there feels exhilarating again.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SPANKING? I don’t have any issues with how I was disciplined. I felt it was 100% deserved and appropriate. I anticipated worse, physically speaking. Emotionally? Well, maybe I got more than I expected, but I still believe Mike was spot on.
It is easy to question whether the discipline is effective. After all, it recurred in a matter of weeks and there have been multiple recurrences in the past. Since when is discipline ever a one-time cure-all? It isn’t, even in DD.
Having consequences for my actions, consequences that my husband has to deliver, is at the core of my submission and at the core of what has made me be the wife, mother, lover, friend, daughter, sister, and person I want to be. And while I hate to make such a bold prediction, I am highly confident that this particular issue will not recur. It’s in the vault!
IS SPANKING OVERRATED? One area of reflection regarding this last incident is whether spanking is as effective as it once was, or if the non-spanking discipline is more effective? Difficult for me to judge. I think it varies which is why varying or mixing the type of discipline I receive works best for me. However, I leave that up to Mike as that is his responsibility. We still have regularly weekly Maintenance to stay calibrated, but it is ultimately his role to determine what is best – and over five years of doing this I don’t take exception to ANYTHING he has ever prescribed.
MY JOURNEY Another area to reflect on is simply my journey. I love having this blog to go back to and I re-read my first dozen or so posts every so often. They still ring as true for me today as they did then. And for those newer readers of my blog who seemed a bit surprised that I am subject to the kind of discipline I shared in the last two posts — I encourage you to read those posts as well. I think they answer a lot of questions as to “Why?” My shortcuts can quickly get you to Post #1
FINAL THOUGHTS This gets a bit esoteric, but I am keenly aware that full awareness is never possible (or maybe it is, but you’ll never be aware of it, thus the psychological conundrum regarding “awareness”) .
Point is, my perceptions about my own life and about my DD may never fully reflect “reality.” Sensations, thoughts, memories, images, desires, and emotions are constantly changing and superseding each other. Therefore, in times of self reflection I try to not just think through how it is I interpret my life and actions. It’s important for me also do a different type of self reflection. . . seeing myself through others.
It is through seeing myself through others that I believe I get a more accurate assessment of my life. By the way, others do not include faceless online trolls or even friendly blog followers. Those are all curious “outside” references, but should never define us. No, “others” are simply the people I have invited into my life. Mike and Kayla of course, but also my kids, extended family that I frequently interact with, our Circle of Trust, and friends. This even includes some online friendships.
I like that phrase…”those who I have invited into my life.” Much better than “family and friends.” It is the best way to think about the people you surround yourself with. It reminds you that YOU invite them into your life. Just as you may push others away (hopefully the toxic ones), you invite these people to stay (hopefully the health ones). THEY often can define you better than you can define yourself.
Based on their perspectives, I am as happy, healthy, confident, secure, and fulfilled as I perceive myself to be! It feels to me that there is nothing in existence that can EVER mount a meaningful challenge to that perception.
Until. . .
P.S. Hey English police, is it “those who I have invited into my life” or “those whom I have invited into my life?” I think I got it right re “who” versus “whom” but I could be wrong. Feel free to school me!
Unconventional journey to unimaginable fulfillment.