370. ABSTINENCE AND ADDICTION?

A few post back I wrote of the orgasm denial event known as NOvember. Here’s how it went.

GROUND RULES

Since adding Orgasm Control (OC) to our dynamic a year ago, it’s been mostly a lot of edging, fairly frequent release, and very short periods of abstinence. HOWEVER, Mike wants NOvember to be different from our norm. He told me to expect it to be “mostly” about complete abstinence. He might allow some sex or edging at some point, but that I should expect little of that.

FIRST NIGHT – NOVEMBER 1

A day void of touching or overt sexual stimulation. I clarify “overt” because my default state is a 2 on a 1-10 scale of sexual stimulation and at this point I was easily a 3. The thought of month-long abstinence was enough to bump me up a notch. Hey, when you can’t have something, you just want it more! It was a day of subtle and not-so-subtle sexual aches and throbbing in my hinterlands. I did my best to ignore them. I was a good girl and did not engage those urges.

Bedtime. Keep in mind Kayla is not subject to NOvember (she will have her turn during JuNO). Mike and Kayla start having sex. Nothing noteworthy about that. I knew I could not join in without being asked and I had no expectation of Mike asking me to join. BUT, I figured I can do what I often do – watch! Nope!

Mike told me to roll over, my back to them, and go to sleep as he didn’t want me “turned on” by watching. Of course, I could still hear them (Kayla is, well, let’s say, “animated” when having sex). And I could still feel the bed moving, but, I complied and rolled over and closed my eyes.

Surprisingly, I fell asleep sometime after I heard Mike cum and tell Kayla to suck him “back into action” for another round. I slept through round two.

DAY 2 through 9 – WITHDRAWALS

Mike kept me completely chaste. It was harder than I expected. There were many times I didn’t think I was going to make it without touching myself. It was a near constant ache mixed with tingles in my nether-regions. My heart would race with thoughts of sexual stimulation. My mind went in and out of sexual thoughts MORE than usual. It was distracting and frustrating.

But I was a good girl. No touchy! Yea, me!

DAY 10 – DETOX

I was writing in my journal the evening of Day 10 and realized I hadn’t thought of sex a single time during the day. Like a switch, the sexual vibrations and desires were gone. It was odd. It had been 10 days since an orgasm and 10 days since any sex, manual or otherwise. I HAVEN’T BEEN DRY THAT LONG IN OVER 5 YEARS!

It felt. . . WEIRD. And the weirdest thing is, I would have expected that by just thinking about it, I would quickly revert back to the aches and tingles of those first 9 days – but I did not.

Prior to Day 10, when I wasn’t horny, I was still a little horny. Now? Nothing. Zip. Further, I felt content being abstinent and stimulus free. I began to revel in this new feeling. This feeling of being at ZERO on the sexual stimulus scale. What is this place? Where did it come from? I had forgotten it existed.

Hum? What’s going on down there? What’s going on in my head?

Nothin’ – nothing at all. That’s weird.

And in my submissive mind, a new realization emerged. I realized that a part of me was MISSING the frustration of those first 9 days. Yes, in hindsight, the sexual frustration was a type of submissive reward. But that was now gone. And no matter how much I missed the feelings of the ache between my legs and frustration over a lack of release, I could no longer connect to those feelings.

They were gone. I had detoxed from sex!

DAY 17- A REMINDER

17 days of not having sex or direct sexual stimulation in any way.

I mentioned back in May that we have an account on BDSMLR. Mike expects me and Kayla to post something on there fairly regularly, requiring us to peruse porn for something post worthy. I am doing that, all through NOvember, but even that isn’t moving the stimulation needle off of ZERO. That too was a weird experience. Looking at what is normally sexually stimulating images and feeling nothing!

But out of nowhere, on Day 17, I got this urge. I wasn’t even doing anything – honest! Just walking in my house and – wham – this tingle hits me between the legs. And more than just that, it is SHOUTING at me, demanding my attention. I sat down, pulled my knees together, clenched between legs, “Go away.” I worried that clenching was maybe a form of stimulation, so I quickly stopped, and squirmed to try to squash the feeling.

I confessed to Mike, and luckily he felt a clench was humorous and not a violation. Lucky me, I guess? Eventually this urge out of nowhere began to subside. There were a few aftershocks the rest of the day. Fortunately, I remained a good girl. No touchy!

DAY 18 – WHAT WAS THAT?

I don’t know what yesterday was about. Maybe that’s a classic withdrawal reaction? Sexual stimulation is full of feel good natural chemicals – rewards from your brain. Here’s an article.

I was coming off a nearly constant FIVE YEAR period of sexual stimulation. The decreased activity in my prefrontal cortex, orbitofrontal cortex, insula, cingulate gyrus, and cerebellum along with missing a steady release of oxytocin, meant my body was going through real withdrawals. Who knew? But lucky the return of my “withdrawals” only lasted a day. Day 18 was “urge” free.

DAY 19 through 30 – Submissive mind connects!

Mike followed through with this possibly being a month of no sex. No sexual acts were performed on or by me, by myself or with someone else.

And a new feeling emerged. Joy! I was enjoying being denied!

Even though we have been doing OC for a year, for the first time I felt I truly understood what I was giving Mike. I found joy in the fact he was holding my orgasms. I knew (or at least hoped) that at some point he will let me have one. But I found joy in that I didn’t just give him control of the “10” on the sexual stimulation scale, I gave him the entire scale, including 1 through 9.

My submissive mind connected to OC in a new way that was extremely fulfilling to me. I realized it wasn’t enough to grant Mike certain controls over me. Giving up power means far less than him actually USING those powers. It’s like if I had given him the power to discipline, yet he never disciplined. I gave him control of my sexual activity a long time ago, but he never took that control like he did in NOvember. Mmmmmm. I like that.

The submissive mind is weird!

DECEMBER 1 – LET IT RAIN?

When NOvember started, I had imagined December 1, as being an orgasm-fest. That I’d ask Mike if I could masturbate or have sex as soon as woke up and I’d spend most of the day fiddling myself. It turns out, I didn’t have any sex on December 1.

Somewhere in my mind I got it that the month was starting on Wednesday. So I had already told myself Wednesday was the day of orgasm. It was half-way through Tuesday that I realized it was now December. The odd thing was, I didn’t immediately equate it to being the end of NOvember. That’s how far I came in detoxing from sex. (hum…is that the right way to frame that sentence… came?) I digress.

But later that evening it DID dawn on me. And since Mike hadn’t said a word, I thought I’d show how “tough” I was. I didn’t say a word either and waited to see what happened at bed time.

Well, at bedtime we had sex, but, Mike surprised me and said, “But I don’t want you to orgasm. You can do that first thing tomorrow.”

I’ve had “no orgasm” rules before. But not after a month of abstinence. I wasn’t sure I could do it. But actually, it was easier than ever. I think it was because I was starting at ZERO versus already being at a 2 or 3. I was also way more focused on Mike and Kayla. Almost as if I was just watching the three of us and not participating. It was a nice perspective. It felt good to be an observer of my own sexual activity.

DECEMBER 2

I awoke from my sleep. NOvember was awesome. The journey was amazing, the things I felt were amazing, the things I learned about myself were amazing. It all felt great, but DAMN! I was ready for it to be over.
I got to fingering right away and didn’t stop until I came.

I’ve been allowed free reign on my orgasms until further notice. I’ve already had to recharge several vibrators! I am glad I’ve got 11 months before next NOvember!

NEXT: 371. So long to Sex? Submissive Wife.

11 thoughts on “370. ABSTINENCE AND ADDICTION?”

  1. Hi Jen, I tend to agree that the man’s window when edging is measured in seconds. I’m not sure if that is real or simply that men have less willpower. Normally are you edged or with permission free to orgasm at will. It is certainly an interesting case study and interesting impact it had on you. Was there any edging at all any point during the month. Would you have preferred during the month to be edged regularly either by Mike or yourself? Do you think your submissive attitude would be impacted by more edging? just curious

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Normally I have to ask if I can orgasm and typically it is either a yes or a “not yet.” “Not yet, typically means I will be allowed to do so at some point in that particular sexual encounter. It’s more rare that, in the moment, he tells me, “No, and not at all.” Most often my denial is set and already known to me. He may simply say, “You are on denial until further notice.” Such denial includes plenty of edging. Oh – and the denial I am referencing here is orgasm denial, not abstinence. So yes, plenty of sexual activity and edging – just no O. As for NOvember – it was complete abstinence. I didn’t participate in a single sexual act of any kind.
      Would I have preferred edging? In hindsight, no. I am glad i got to experience abstinence. Once i was over my “withdrawals,” abstinence was way easier than edging. Edging keeps my sexual desires always turned in and turned up. The yearning for release builds and builds. In a lot of ways it does what is often portrayed as a stereotype – a mindless sex crazed goon eager to be used and do anything to get relief sexually. I mean, I am not totally that way, but I can relate to that mindset when I’ve only been made to edge numerous times a day for a week or two. Have you had experience with edging and abstinence? If so, your thoughts on how they each impacted you?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve done as lift of edging and denial of orgasm in my submission and oc, but never complete abstinence. When cumming out of a denial phase I found it hard to get back to where I could orgasm quickly and easily, or maybe just frequently. I would think a month of abstinence would have the same affect on me.
        But maybe if I had the freedom of my own orgasms at will, like you did, it might have been different. I’m not sure.
        I enjoy organ control in what they form Master takes me, edging and denial included. It absolutely feeds my submissiveness.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hard to say. I haven’t read any studies – and that would be a fun study to participate in. Anecdotally, I think a woman’s “edge” is a bit longer than a man’s. So once reached, it’s easier for a woman to back away before going over, or even going a little further before backing away. It seems, at least from the men I’ve queried (and yes, I am the inquisitive type who has asked), once they feel it’s imminent, they have seconds to stop all stimuli before they go over the edge. Maybe my sample size is not statically significant? Anyone want to chime in re their experience with this great dinner conversation topic?

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I cannot imagine having this kind of response to denial. My brain goes the opposite direction and I fall into a depressive episode. I wish I could feel submissive and content instead of miserable and mopey. I don’t know how you do it!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. See the comment I just posted to MissD. It’s okay to feel negative thoughts. But feeling those things and still enduring on in submission is one of the most submissive things you can do. Try to connect to that and perhaps the fulfilling feelings of submission can overcome the depressive mood. Honestly, it won’t always work, and that’s okay. I try to focus on progress, not perfection, when it comes to maintaining a positive and fulfilling submissive mindset.

      Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you. So much of life isn’t about what happens to us, but how we perceive what is happening to us. While there are aspects of denial that are sucky, I try to stay focused on what it means to being submissive and how it feeds my submissive mind in a positive way. There are times the “suck factor” exceed the “positive factor,” but being submissive isn’t meant to be easy. And when it isn’t, I try to welcome the struggle, welcome the frustration, welcome how hard it is somethings. For THAT is what makes my submission even more valuable, to me, and to him.

      Liked by 5 people

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