365. ONE MORE REFLECTION AND THEN LETS MOVE ON

Re-read my prior post and feel it was a bit jumbled. Thing is, when we attempt to make sense of our today by looking back on events in our life, it’s difficult to discern what were “causes” of where we are. Ultimately, while it is an interesting journey, I am not all that concerned with the “Why I am submissive.” I am more concerned with the “Who I am as a submissive.”

But before I waste your time with diving into that, let me waste your time with one more attempt at making sense of why I am submissive.

While there are more layers to it, I think the overarching reason is that I am a people pleaser.

PEOPLE PLEASER

There are two types of people pleasers, those who like to please because:

– how it makes the object of your pleasure feel
– how it makes you feel

Not to say there can’t be a mix of both, so okay, three types! Anyway, before Domestic Discipline, my overarching motivation was rooted in how it made ME feel. Even worse, I became exclusively focused on my intentions, and not the impact of my actions. If my intentions were pure, damn the results! If the result were not as I intended it wasn’t my fault, and I certainly wasn’t going to change or take any responsibility. In my mind, my intentions were pure and if someone (Mike) questioned the outcome they were saying my intentions were bad. Screw them!

Simply, my people-pleasing was inauthentic. I was using the excuse of the axiom, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t happy.” I bastardized it into, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t right about everything.” Doh!

When I started reading about Domestic Discipline I believe the concept that jumped out at me was I needed to stop basing my criteria for pleasing others on what I thought pleased them. It must be based on what ACTUALLY pleases them. Then, AND ONLY THEN, I could consider whether it actually fulfilled me to do those things. Yes, it still had to make me happy. If it didn’t, I would eventually become resentful, anxious, insecure, and unloving.

CUE BLACK SABBATH?

The first thing that attracted me to the notion of DD was giving up what I now realized was fake fulfillment, fake feelings, and fake demonstrations of love. Those had to be replaced them with truth. That struck a chord in me. Not the warm and fuzzy type of chord, but a heavy metal power chord courtesy of a Tommi Iomi/Geezer Butler flatted fifth in G. And turn it 11!

Didn’t know I was musical, did you? While not a metal-head, who could deny the power of that chord? I digress

In other words, it was a bit of an ominous realization for me. My attraction to what I was thinking shocked me because at the same time I was like, “BUT, BUT, BUT. . . FEMINISM!” (read Post 350. Equity and Fairness for how I reconcile that). However, the more I read about submitting to my husband, I became more connected to its’ promise.

Then I had to consider what my husband would think. I DID NOT think, “Oh, Mike is going to love this DD stuff.” I actually wasn’t sure he would go for it, as chronicled in my first several posts. Contrary to popular belief, I’ve learned that husbands aren’t always eager to officially take the mantle of Head of Household and all the rights bestowed therein.

I hadn’t fully envisioned what DD was going to mean for us, other than I connected with submitting to Mike. I also somehow innately knew that my submitting was going to require tremendous communication and sharing all our deeply held wishes and desires. That part excited me more than anything. THAT was the moment when the Domestic Discipline light bulb switched on!

It went from the “devils triad” chords to more of a “Windows 98″ Startup sound followed by the Win 98 tada! Again, you can read about that journey by reading through my first dozen posts, starting with #1.

NOT SO FAST, JEN

The name of my blog is Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style. It’s not “Mike Style.” And if you read my first dozen plus posts, you’ll see it was DD on MY terms. So even then, I was still defining our DD based on what I THOUGHT would make Mike happy. But in hindsight, I think for us it was absolutely necessary that we entered Domestic Discipline in that way. I needed to be in control of letting go of control, and Mike, as a newbie Dom, needed to know what he was doing was clearly aligned with my needs and desires. So for us, it worked!

And eventually, I evolved from a Domestic Discipline that was MINE, to a Domestic Discipline that was FOR ME. It took awhile. 2.5 years after starting DD, I wrote this post re Submissive to Mike or Mike’s submissive? Then almost a year after that, this one re My Submission Becomes His Dominance.

But here we are. I am a submissive wife who submits to her husband on his terms. What fulfillment do I get from that? Not some esoteric “Why do I submit?” What feeling do I get today from submitting to my husband and being subject to his leadership and discipline?

Next post. I promise to get it up in a day or two! If not, Mike can spank me on your behalf! Well, to be precise, he can spank me on my backside, but in your honor!

NEXT: 366. This is who I am