340. One-on-Dom

I thought I’d do some posts to catch you up on various people in my life and who better to start with than at the top, with Mike!   I don’t really know what you all might find the most interesting?  Feel free to contact me with questions as maybe I will do this again with questions from you all?  Or send them if you have questions of someone else.  Oh, just send questions!  I can use the content!  Email is the About.

I only recall doing one Q&A type post with Mike.  (74. Interview with Sir).  I also shared some of Mike’s insights in 148. Dom/sub Therapy Session and in  160. I’ll take you to my Leader. I think those are the only times I’ve shared any of his direct thoughts.   And I couldn’t find a good image so I am going to reuse that one from Post 148, in case you’re keeping track, lol.

 I sat down and had a one-on-Dom with Mike.

It’s been three-and-half years since I posted a Q&A with Mike.  We read over it and had to laugh about a fantasy he shared and at the times put the odds of living it out as “very slim.”   Well, let’s just say, “Been there. Done that!”   

And the interview begins. . .

Jen:  At the time of the last Q&A, we were just 18 months into exploring DD.  We are now closing in on five years.  What’s the biggest change?

Mike:  I feel like we are now pros.  We aren’t finding our way.  We’ve found it.

Jen: What does finding your way mean to you?

Mike:  In some ways it’s what I shared in that first Q&A.  Confidence!  And I’ll add, contentment!    It continued to build and reached a level where my actions are more reflexive, automatic, a part of me and a part of us and it just feels good.  I sense the same with you.  Neither one of us is struggling “to be” something.  We just are.  It just so happens I am Dominant and you are submissive, but we aren’t trying anymore.  We just are.

Jen: What types of things do you feel more confident in today that maybe weren’t there three and a half years ago?

Mike:  I have a clear understanding of my own duties and obligations.  DD or D/s isn’t just about the submissive having things to do.  The Dom has to deliver as well.  And that delivery isn’t about making sure you meet my needs.  It’s about making sure meeting my needs is fulfilling your needs.  It took me a long time to figure that out.

Jen: And what specifically did you figure out about that?

Mike:  Being your Dom, being Kayla’s Dom, and being the Dom I want to be, means helping the two of you to feel satisfied.  That doesn’t sound very Dom-like, but it’s not about being a certain type of Dom.  It’s about being the person you want to be and the person that gives those around you the best opportunity to thrive.  That’s not just my definition of a good Dom, but my definition of a good person.

Jen: And what do you think we need to be satisfied?

Mike:  Me! (laughing).   But it’s true and I use to have a hard time saying that or thinking that way.  But you’ve shown me how it fulfills you and in turn how that fulfills me.  It’s this circular thing that feeds on itself, but ultimately, you’ve convinced me that your satisfaction begins and ends with mine.  In return, I’ve learned the more satisfied I can help you and Kayla be, the more satisfied I am.

Jen: Is “satisfied” the best word to use there?

Mike:  It probably doesn’t do this topic justice.  It’s not about just being content.  It’s like you say.  It’s about being fulfilled, a purposeful and fulfilling level of gratification, gratitude, and satisfaction.   How’s that for better words?

Jen:  Perfect, Sir!

Mike:  And to add to it, we are talking about all aspects of our relationship.  Emotionally, physically, sexually.

Jen:  And what do believe satisfies me or Kayla the most?

Mike:  Anal, of course.  (laughing).   Seriously, great question.  It’s the most important question a Dom has to answer.  It took me awhile to understand the answer and be comfortable with the answer.  It is very counter intuitive to those who don’t understand submission and when we started, I had no clue about this dynamic.

Fulfilling a submissive’s need to be submissive isn’t about doing things one typically recognizes as building confidence, instilling happiness, or helping her feel sexy or even feel comfortable for that matter.  In a lot of ways it is about putting her in awkward or even embarrassing situations and pushing her to let go of all modesty.  It’s through the letting go of her ego that she feels fulfilled, even aroused.  And it’s through that release of ego that they feel confident, sexy, and comfortable.   I could be wrong but I believe it sums up my experiences with subs, especially you and Kayla.  What do you think?

Jen:  I agree, especially the anal thing  (laughing).  Seriously, I think you just defined what it is to be vulnerable and you know how much I love that feeling.    But it sounds like you are saying that a D/s relationship starts with the needs of the sub, not the Dom.  Doesn’t that sound backwards?

Mike:  It’s a bit of a chicken and the egg.  It’s not about who it starts with as that sounds like the needs of one would be more important than the needs of the other.  Relationships can’t work that way, even D/s.  The right Dom is the Dom that fulfills the needs of the sub AND whose needs are fulfilled by the sub.   With any relationship, kink or vanilla, there will be rough waters if someone’s needs aren’t being met.   Even in D/s, you can’t dismiss the needs of anyone involved.  

 Jen:  You mentioned in the prior Q&A that this lifestyle has made you more assertive, even at work and other aspects of life.   Has that remained a benefit?

Mike:  Yes.  It’s the saying, “being bold without being a bully.”  It’s hard to be bold sometimes without being perceived as a bully, but in business, you have to be bold.   I’ve learned you can be bold without losing empathy or concern for others.   But over the last few years it’s even more than just assertiveness.  I believe I exercise more control in all things, because how can I provide you and Kayla the control you desire if I am out of control?

Jen: What are some examples of what you mean by that?

Mike:  I’ve never been a slouch but, I know I now take even greater pride in my health.  I lost weight, not as much as you, but still, I felt compelled to improve my health.  I take better care not just of you and Kayla, but of material things as well.  I am more organized and neater .  Partly because I know the two of you work so hard to maintain things in immaculate order.  I’ve come to enjoy that order and don’t want to mess it up.  Even though, of course, if I do, you all are right there to clean up after me, thank you!

And even more, our D/s has made me a better decision maker.  Pre-DD my thoughts were just suggestions, just ideas for us to collectively kick around and hopefully help us reach a decision on something.  Now, my thoughts on a topic are final once I say they are.  That’s a responsibility I take seriously.  So I spend more time thinking through things so that hopefully I make the best decisions for you and for Kayla.

Jen:  What would you say to someone appalled by the fact for all practical purposes you have two wives?

Mike:  I don’t care what they think.  Of course, legally I am not married to Kayla, and I don’t think of her as “my wife” but as “our wife.”  She is as much a part of you as she is of me.  She’s not “my second’ but part of what makes our “we” three.  

Jen: Anything you want my blog readers to know about your relationship with Chelsea? 

Mike:  No.  I don’t feel compelled to have anyone know any particular thing, but if you want to ask me a question about it, I’ll answer it.

Jen:  Okay then, what do think of that relationship?

Mike:  I enjoy it.  Her needs are very different than yours or Kayla’s.  And Jaime adds unique element to it as well.  He’s inconsistent and struggles to meet Chelsea’s needs, and it’s amazing to me that he has allowed me to step in to provide that consistency.  It goes back to what I said about being a Dom.  The right Dom is one who fulfills the needs of the sub AND whose needs are fulfilled by the sub.  He’s found a way to do that by asking me to help and everybody wins. 

Jen:  How do you win?

Mike:  As I said, I enjoy it.  It’s a challenge as I have to be different with Chelsea in order for her to be fulfilled, which is linked to Jaime’s fulfillment as well.  I don’t want to get into all her specific needs other than to say it’s just different.  I enjoy the challenge and I enjoy seeing the results as Chelsea appears to thrive from my assistance as does her relationship with Jaime.  

Jen:  What advice do you give Jaime about improving his effectiveness as a Dom?

Mike: I don’t give him as much advice as I once did.  He’s made it clear he just isn’t comfortable with certain things and has abdicated certain responsibilities to me.  It frustrates me sometimes, but I get it.  If it just isn’t in him, then pushing him likely won’t benefit him or Chelsea.    The one piece of advice I do routinely give him is about stability and consistency.   Discipline, rituals, protocols, are all necessary and important to Chelsea, as they are to you, Kala, and any other sub I’ve known.   Providing a stable and consistent structure, complete with clear and timely consequences when that structure is altered, is at the core of what it means to be a Dom.  

That’s how I feel about it.  As you often say, there is no wrong or right way to do this.  There is only what works for your relationship and what doesn’t.   Whatever works, that’s what’s right for you.

Jen:  I think I am out of questions and I didn’t even ask you about spankings or sex. 

Mike:  Then you wasted the opportunity for an interesting blog because I think that’s what everyone really wants to hear about.  Shall I spank you for wasting your reader’s desire for spicy stories?  

Jen:  If you are giving me a choice, could I choose giving you a blow job instead?

Mike:  I will speak for you followers and require both.

Jen:  I love your decisiveness, Sir.

NEXT: 341. Dealing with Covid 19. Anxiety, Control, Donating, Talking… and Blanket Forts!