Sorry. I am trying. I keep starting a post and then thinking it’s stupid. Don’t know why I am overthinking everything! Okay, will try again. . .
No, not the kind of job that blows. A real j-o-b job. I mentioned I am working. Just part-time. I had been volunteering at J’s old school and decided to take on a part-time job as a teacher’s aide in the special ed classroom. The pay is terrible but I am not doing it for money. I just felt the need to give back. I’ll probably just do it through the end of this school year and go back to volunteering. While it’s not a big commitment, I like not having to adhere to a schedule.
My job also has been a new social outlet for me. Interacting with people in ways that don’t involve TTWD. So much of my life has become our friendships within our Circle of Trust, it’s nice to have some “vanilla” time. lol. And I mentioned we joined a bowling league. The three of us bowl on a team with another couple, someone Mike knows. They aren’t part of our COT and seem disinterested in exploring that way.
They clearly know that we are a THRUPLE! That’s a new term I’ve heard to describe a triad relationship. Beyond knowing our thruple status, they aren’t fully aware of our lifestyle. They get that we defer a lot to Mike, and probably suspect there’s more going on, but they don’t ask, and we don’t flaunt it.
Our typical approach in social settings is, “Tell if asked, otherwise, don’t.” It keeps things simple as all three of us know to simply be honest. I don’t need to make a point to say, “I submit to my husband. He spanks me along with other forms of punishment. We have sex with other people. Any questions?” Ha ha ha!
The other day, one of my coworkers told me in a fairly awkward, round-about way that my husband sounded mean. I asked them what gave them that impression? As we talked, it was clear they concluded he was controlling, thus he must be mean.
It reminded me of my impressions of John pre-show (as in, pre Post 20. Putting on a Show). Until I was aware of John and Donna’s dynamic, I thought John was just a bit of an asshole. I understood why my coworker was thinking the same of Mike. She had heard me talk with Mike on the phone, as well as heard me say things like, “I will ask my husband,” or, “Let me check with my husband.”
By the way, I get a thrill every time I utter those phrases to people that aren’t “in the know.” It’s a bit of cheating on our “Tell if asked, otherwise, don’t” because clearly, it is putting out some “tell” vibes. Mike allows it, so as with all things, it’s not cheating if he allows it! But, I’d probably minimize the inquiries if I’d be stealthier about it. Thing is, I am not ashamed of it. I am not going to go out of my way to hide anything, even though I also am not going out of my way to share TTWD.
I assured my coworker that Mike treats me in the manner I want to be treated and that I purposely defer to him and seek his guidance and permission on a number of things. I told them that’s just how I am wired and Mike loves me enough to treat me in the manner I desire. And because I hate the idea of others thinking ill of him, I added that such behavior was not Mike’s default and that it was me that thrives by deferring to him. (I always use the word “defer” versus “submit” when talking to vanilla friends).
THE PLATINUM RULE
I asked my coworker if my thinking makes them uncomfortable. She admitted it did, but couldn’t pinpoint why. I assured her that how her husband treated her, as long as it was in the manner she accepts and desires, I would be happy for her as we all deserve to be treated the way we want. It’s the Platinum Rule! — Treat others the way they want to be treated (It’s better than the Golden Rule).
As we talked it became clear that she felt intimidated, like it was a threat to her and all of womanhood. It made me think of my post Is this submissive a Feminist? (The feminism part, not the political rant part of that post). The discussion was cordial, just two women talking. It was not adversarial, just to the point.
A JENNY THING
I told her I totally understand her concerns and there was I time I wouldn’t have understood my desires on this. I explained my needs and desires no more represent the sum of all the needs and desires of my gender any more than hers do. It’s not a gender thing, it’s a me-thing. It’s a Jenny thing. She seemed to feel better that I wasn’t some anti-feminist.
I don’t understand why some people think that just because someone makes decisions that they believe are right for them that somehow it’s a threat or that I assume they must be right for everyone and will want to push my “agenda” on them. Not everyone’s a Republican. lol
She was a little inquisitive and asked some more questions about why I enjoy it. It’s difficult to describe and I basically put it back on her, “Why do you enjoy the particular dynamic that exists in your marriage?” She said, “I dunno, never really thought of it. It just works for us.” “That’s it!” I said, “Same answer for me.”
I was tempted to go into, “…and you know, there was a time I thought what we were doing was working for us, but then….” and go into my whole DD story. But that would be too much “telling” without much “asking” on her part. The Jenny of six months ago probably would have. But the more insular me, the one feeling more protective of my amazing life – that Jenny is fine with being honest without oversharing.
What’s funny to me is that I wonder if I miss opportunities to expand our Circle of Trust. Not that I feel the need to recruit, but, our circle was created primarily by me being the run-my-mouth oversharer that I typically am. It’s piqued the interest of some people and then, well, you know the rest. We may not have Kayla in our lives if not for opening up with her about TTWD. Wow. I just re-read my first post about her. How far we’ve come! (in more ways than one, hee-hee).
On second thought, maybe I give my loud mouth too much credit. John and Donna were already our friends. Mike “brought in” Matt, who in turn brought in Jillian. Jaime and Chelsea are Kayla’s friends. I guess my “recruits” were Valerie/Raul and Kim/TJ. Okay, enough of that talk. I don’t look at it as recruiting. I don’t recruit anyone like that. I just share and well, it causes them to share, and then one thing leads to another! It’s the magic of vulnerability! Maybe I should write a post about vulnerability, or two, or three, or four. Oh, I already did that! (there’s nine of them linked in my Shortcuts).
Okay, I am rambling now. End post!