“THAT’S DISGUSTING!!! Unless you’re into it.”
That pretty much sums up everyone’s reaction to anything kinky. As I have often written in my blog, EVERYONE’S KINK IS DISGUSTING EXCEPT YOUR OWN.
The reason this is top of mind is that Immersion this year included a lot of “guest appearances.” In the past, it was just something we did as a couple (or with Kayla once she joined the relationship). But this year included SIX other couples.
Before DD I barely had six close friends, let alone SIX couples ready and willing to explore sexual kinks with me. How did this happen?
It reminded me of something I wrote about a long time ago. Over three years ago – Post 16 to be exact. Whereas part of our journey into DD I agreed to always share my sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies. As stated in that post, it was one of the MOST DIFFICULT parts of our adopting Domestic Discipline.
A MEGA-FORTRESS AROUND OUR PRURIENT INTERESTS
For many of us, even a spouse of 25 years isn’t allowed into our sexual thoughts, not even a peek! We would rather take those desires to the grave than reveal what perverted, demented, awful, and gross people we are. We erect a mega-fortress around our prurient interests.
Until. . .
We give an ever so small glimpse. Maybe it’s the slip of the hand “accidentally” coming down hard on her breast. Maybe it’s that millimeter by millimeter approach of your finger to his butthole, waiting for him to pull away and he doesn’t.
Or maybe you finally verbalize it. If you do, more than likely it is a nebulous reference to just wanting to “spice things up.” But it’s a start. It’s a crack in the fortress! Typically that response can lead to at least a small breach and then eventually a crumbling of the walls.
This is only possible if ONE thing happens. Acceptance and reciprocation. Oh, that’s two things. This is only possible if TWO things happen.
ACCEPTANCE / RECIPROCATION
So you finally “go there.” Your biggest fears about your deep dark secrets are about to come to fruition. And guess what?
Unlike what you thought would happen, the world didn’t end. Your partner didn’t puke nor run out of the room like their hair is on fire. They may not have agreed to indulge all your interests, nor you theirs, but you can bet that you found some commonalities and agreement to explore them.
Armed with someone else’s comfort and acceptance of your kinks allows you to be more comfortable and accepting of yourself. In turn, they become armed with your comfort and acceptance of their kinks, allowing them to be more comfortable and accepting of themselves. And thus the snowball begins to roll!
Sexual confidence soars once you both have the armor of love and understanding. You’re both sexually empowered and connected like never before. It leads you to share the next slightly more kinky desire, and the next, and the next. With each “reveal” the other person sees it as permission to reciprocate and share their kinky desire (or their variation of your kinky desire).
Again, it doesn’t mean they are into everything you are into. Only that your kinks are accepted and become relatable. As an example, I am not turned on by feet, but Mike is. I don’t share that “fetish” but I totally relate to the feeling it evokes because I have my own fetishes that evoke that feeling.
ADD IN SOME FRIENDS
Things can get very interesting when you add a group of friends who start to share their sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies. Such discussions normalize everyone’s wide and varied kinks. Eventually, this experience causes you to be more accepting of even a wider range of kinks. Yeah, I can now hang with the guy that likes to be pegged by his wife, and with the wife that likes to peg her husband. Not my thing, but that’s cool. We’re all equally “disgusting” in our own ways.
These six couples all felt our request to join us for some immersion into their sexual dreams and desires was as normal as asking them to join us on the ski slopes somewhere. That’s pretty cool.
A DARK SIDE? Illusion of Invulnerability
Being the self-reflective person that I am, I spent some time in thought about the Immersion this year. While reveling in the fact that we have such diverse friends who share a common (but not identical) bond in TTWD, something dawned on me.
As friends, there is a natural desire for harmony or conformity in the group. So you go along with the kinks of others, even if it is outside your comfort zone. You might do so just as an observer, but you might also decide to join in. After all, you don’t want to be rude and once you’ve seen them do it, you feel like perhaps it isn’t that big of a deal so you dive in yourself.
It can get to the point where people in the group may avoid raising controversial issues such as calling out a specific kink as “wrong,” or “crazy.” This can lead to a loss of individual uniqueness and independent thinking. This dysfunctional group dynamic can eventually produce an “illusion of invulnerability.” This inflated certainty that the right decision has been made to pursue whatever prurient thought any one person verbalized.
There’s a psychological term for this. It’s called Groupthink. Of course, for my group of friends, I refer to it as Kinkthink!
Groupthink is not good. And Kinkthink can be just as bad. It can lead us to pursue increasingly dangerous activities, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
We’ve actually done some things to minimize or even avoid Kinkthink without even knowing it. I’ll share some of that on my next post.
Any interesting thoughts or comments bubbling around your head regarding Kinkthink? Please share.
10 thoughts on “331. Kinkthink”
It’s only kinky if you don’t do it. Revealing fantasies – and I kinda hesitate at using that word because it doesn’t always accurately represent what’s going on in someone’s mind – can be an “Oh, shit!” moment for some, a liberating set of things for others or, “Whew! I thought I was the only one who thought about that!”
Ask your partner what their fantasies are and you might hear that they don’t have any; you can rephrase the question – What would you like to do if you could (and not get into trouble) and maybe you’ll get an answer but not always; people usually tend to “err on the side of caution” and keep those things to themselves; they either fear some kind of retribution or they’ll be seen as kinky or freaky.
Still, a couple can share these things and not do anything about them – thinking and doing still aren’t the same things – but if they decide to, okay; time to start talking, planning, and learning some stuff.
Kinkthink: I like this and I can see (and probably have seen) where this group mindset can become problematic; if they’re doing it, it must be okay for everyone else to do, right? I related this to adult peer pressure that’s not all that unlike to any peer pressure we may have faced when we were younger. If you decide not to follow along with the group, eh, you might not be in the group much longer. Like, I’ve seen groups of group sex fans apply kinkthink/peer pressure to newbies and encouraging them to go all-in – and because everyone else does… and I’ve seen it go horribly wrong… and the group absolves itself of any blame for applying pressure – “Nobody twisted your arm and made you do this!” even though such a sentiment is implied.
So while it’s okay to share fantasies and decide to engage in one’s kink of choice and with like-minded people, I think it’s a good practice to design your rules of engagement so that messy situations, kinkthink, adult peer pressure, can be avoided: No means no and it’s non-negotiable and if you get kicked out, well, there are other groups of like-minded kinksters to be discovered and joined.
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An interesting read as always ❤
Spot on. It was so hard to open up about my fantasies but each time I did and found acceptance it encouraged me to open up even more. And he has made several of them come true! Dark, “disgusting” ones. And the fact that he did this, to me it is his acceptance in action. And it’s brought us closer than ever. Do you find the same thing?
And yes sharing with friends who also show acceptance even when they aren’t into the same thing is amazing!
If someone had told me a year ago this would be my life I never would have believed them. You’ve said as much on your blog over the years too so I know you get it xoxo
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Yep. And we found it did bring us closer together. When you allow yourself to be that vulnerable regarding sexual desires, vulnerability in all other aspects of life is a piece of cake. All that vulnerability leads to sharing the full and complete you with the other person, and them with you. It definitely makes you closer than you could have previously thought possible.
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A partner in a scene can accept what someone is doing to them but not be expected to reciprocate. I’ve been with couples who want me to “do them” but are reluctant to “do me” in the same way (such as fisting). I accept that because it’s still fun to play with them despite their hangups. Also someone in a scene may float an idea as more of an erotic tease but they would freak if it happened to them (such as watersports). I have to proceed slowly, testing the waters as I go.
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Testing the “waters”. Hee-hee. Water sport humor! And to clarify, the reciprocation i was referring to didn’t mean to perform the same act on the other person, but to reciprocate by offering up whatever “deviant” thought was on their mind.
I came of age in the Sixties, Ground Zero of the Sexual Revolution. The ethos of the time involved questioning, if not outright defying any sexual value accepted since the time of Moses. Only problem was that Judaeo-Christian morality is pretty hard to walk away from. So I developed these ground rules, no swapping, no group sex. But my spouses and I could engage in all sorts of stuff between us. “Spouses” refers to the fact that I have been married divorced and married again. Kink, to me, isn’t about what, with whom, how often, and who might be watching, but openness, vulnerability, and the risks that said attitudes carry with them. Humans are curious creatures. Putting your vulnerability out there for a back rub or showering together is as big a risk for some people as asking to lick somebody’s asshole.
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Well said! That last sentence pretty much sums it up!