312. Oh, you want me to do THAT! (TJ and Kim Part III)

312

A bit more background before the “reveal.”  Yes, I can be a tease. 

Kim shared that she knows TJ masturbates and watches porn.  She actually encourages this.   Yet more evidence that she is able to take a “sex-positive” stance regarding others, but is unable to do so for herself. 

 She has tried to watch porn but it reinforces her distorted views that enjoying sex and having your partner enjoy it means you must be open to all things and you must “perform gymnastics in the bedroom” (a phrase she repeatedly uses).   To be clear, I think porn can contribute to a healthy sexual relationship for a couple, and even be healthy for an individual, but if your views on sex are already entrenched in dark and painful thoughts, it is not going to improve your sexual health. 

PORN / BDSMLR
As a quick aside – our own porn viewing habits are such that we typically don’t watch it together.  No need for that as we can put on our own “show” when we are together.  There is some viewing on our own, but mostly it is done in fun.  A “porn sharing game” of sorts that we play.  We like to find things that turn us on and share them with each other.  Sometimes in a strict, “this is just fantasy” way, and other times, “can we try that?,” or, a flirty, “this made me think of you.”   

Our porn habits add to our open sexual dialogue and exploration.  Oh – one thing we started doing lately is using bdsmlr.com as a way to have some fun and explore and share our fantasies and desires.  The three of us share an account and make comments on pics, gifs, or vids that we like.   The comments are sometimes in fun, sometimes reflecting truth, sometimes reflecting fantasy.   Check us out if you are interested.  We are FunsomeThreesome.   That site is a bit “aggressive” if you ask me.  A bit more “ugly” stuff that I’d prefer not to see, but to each their own.  The way we use it is fun for us. 

Back to a regularly scheduled programming. . .

KIM MAKES A REQUEST
Kim told me she had something to ask me.  I recognized her uncomfortable and awkward demeanor as a clear sign it was something related to sex as we had previously had several direct conversations about sex.  I was encouraging her to masturbate and offered to show her in what I joked was either in a “view only” mode or a “hands-on” mode.  She declined.   I thought perhaps she changed her mind.

I admit I also thought perhaps she wants to have sex with me.  She did admit to “playing around” with another woman once.  I am open to it, with Mike’s permission of course.

Then she asked, “Can I watch you and Mike have sex?”

I wasn’t expecting that.

I replied, “I’ll ask Mike.”

She said she wanted to know what I felt.  This led to an interesting discussion about my submission.   So changing gears a bit, here’s how that discussion went.

MY SUBMISSION AND A GODFATHER REFERENCE
I told her my feelings about it are tied to Mike’s feelings.  I want to know his thoughts before making my own conclusions.   She then adeptly asked me, “Forget conclusions, just tell me what you’re thinking.”

I told her I did not feel comfortable sharing my thoughts without first discussing it with Mike.  I explained it is part of my agreement with Mike to respect and support his decisions.  I don’t want to put him in a position of being the “bad guy” by taking a stance that differs from mine.  One way I do that is simply not to take a stance before discussing it with him.

This is actually something that arose from our last contract negotiation – about which I haven’t even written!  I’ll get to a post on that soon.   The short of it is that I need to better demonstrate deference to Mike’s views and decisions.  Sharing my own thoughts and conclusions with others, before sharing it with him, is not consistent with that deference.

I told her, “Ever watch the Godfather?”

“Yeah, TJ loves that movie.”  (Don’t all guys love that movie?  I mean, it’s good, but, men seem to think it’s great.  I think seeing the power the men in the movie have connects to a desire most men can relate to.  It’s basically about a misogynistic culture where certain rules and laws don’t apply to the men.  I digress).

“There’s a scene where Vito Corleone tells Sonny, ‘Don’t ever let someone outside the family know what you’re thinking.’   Well, we’ve adopted that mindset where we both want to present a united front to others.  Big decisions – and I would call this a big decision – require a dialogue with Mike before I share my thoughts with others. 

It’s not that I don’t have a voice.  It’s that my voice is heard by Mike first.  Then based on his conclusions, we form our united front.  That’s how I like it and what I have agreed to with Mike. 

Kim still pressed.  I soon understood that she was very insecure about the question and had a lot of anxiety about not getting any indication as to my feelings.  So I did add something that probably tipped my hand just a little bit – 

“I am happy to help you in any way you want that Mike agrees to.  I am not saying that as an indication that I will obey Mike regardless of my thoughts on this.  I mean, I will obey his wishes, but my reason for saying that is because I want to help you.  In other words, my willingness to help you is because I am willing to help you, and of course, I will obey Mike’s wishes on this or any other way I can help.”

I tempered her thoughts on this being a “done deal.”   Sure, I’ve told her of a lot of our sexploits, but she shouldn’t assume that means Mike agrees to everything.   He is cautious with our “Circle of Trust.”  He doesn’t know her or TJ other than what I’ve shared.  So while I don’t want to guess as to what his decision will be, I know that it isn’t something he considers flippantly.

TJ’S THOUGHTS?
Kim already ran it by TJ.  She told me he was supportive but would want to talk about it with the four of us.  Fair enough.   I’ll ask Mike and if Mike is agreeable, we’ll all talk.

Kim admitted she was feeling tremendous anxiety over this.  The thought that the four of us need to get together to talk through this because of her own hang-ups puts all the focus on her sexual shortcomings.   It’s a lot for her to think about.  She feels very exposed.  In my lingo, she feels extremely vulnerable!   

What a great opportunity to share with her all my thoughts on vulnerability.   I only have a few, hee-hee.  Of my dozen or so posts on this topic, my favorites are Post 30.  I found my Thrill,  Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble and Post 129. Submissive ramble: Vulnerability, Respect, or Love?.  In fact, I think those are my favorite posts of all-time.  They sum up my ideology regarding what it is to really love yourself and others. 

Thus I proceeded to share with her all the wonderful things that come from allowing yourself to be vulnerable.  And she already took the hardest steps.  She had the courage to be vulnerable to TJ in telling him she wanted to ask me that question.   In addition, she was vulnerable to me in actually asking.  And TJ also showed vulnerability in being open to the idea.  There was more to his response than just, “Sure, ask her.”  But I felt it wasn’t relevant to go into detail as overall he was supportive and accepting of the idea.  

MIKES THOUGHTS
I asked Mike.  And his answer?   Next time!  hee-hee.  I am liking these cliffhangers!

NEXT: 313. Contract update – 4 years of DD

10 thoughts on “312. Oh, you want me to do THAT! (TJ and Kim Part III)”

  1. it makes me happy that they are both are open and that she was strong enough to communicate her wishes with her husband and then you. Makes me hopeful for them.

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  2. So I used to think there was NO place for porn in my life. My husband and I decided to dig deeper. We wondered what would happen if we worked to expand my sexual imagination. I didn’t like a lot of porn films because of the sounds, so we tried muting the TV. We discovered I liked some physical types more than others. I found certain kinds of stories or plots more engaging than others. If I couldn’t imagine myself in the situation, I would dismiss it. The settings of the porn films affected my willingness to watch. But the really important thing my husband did to expand my enjoyment of sex in general was to make a wonderful game for me. Every Friday evening (over drinks, of course) he would present me with a specially curated slideshow of erotic images. Just for me! My job was to look at them with him, talk about them if I wanted to, and then cut down the number of slides to just 4. Just 4! Instead of rolling my eyeballs at porn scenes, I was now disappointed that I ONLY got to select 4 favorites. It has been a wonderful activity for us to do together. I have expanded my capacity to enjoy sexual images tremendously. I know more about what I like…and so does my husband. Plus, we have a great collection of all my favorites called Best in Show!

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    1. Wow! I love this! What a great idea and what a great way to make it fun and enjoyable and learn what makes each other “tickle” in the erotic sort of way. You don’t just watch porn, you are a porn connoisseur! Bravo to both of you!

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  3. I’ve always found it interesting that when someone wants to break out, they do it in a big and spectacular way. The former therapist in my head is dancing happily about how this is developing for the two of them…

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    1. Early on I felt the right ingredients were there for her to solve this for herself (not BY herself, but FOR herself). As uncomfortable and terrifying as it clearly was for her to speak of it, she still did so. And she never seemed to beat herself up too much about it. Like, it was a problem she simply neglected and it was time to solve it. And TJ was a saint throughout, being very supportive. It reminded me a bit of my realization of some problems in my life, and then going to Mike with my idea for DD. Not that she is looking for DD, but that she recognized the need to find a solution for a problem in her life and she was motivated to get past her fears and start taking action, however unconventional those actions may be. And they get even more unconventional!

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