I like to think that my vibe puts people at ease. Comforted by my demeanor, they let their guard down and share things or ask for advice. As a former school counselor, it fits in with my schooling and chosen profession (I did it for about 6 years before being a SAHM), but it’s always been my default personality that my schooling simply honed.
I’ve shared that, Pre-DD, somewhere along the way I lost perspective. Instead of trying to guide people towards their answer and their truth, I simply laid down my answer and my truth. The result was I became very invested in their outcomes. This caused me to be frustrated when they didn’t listen to my “amazing” advice as well as when they did listen but things didn’t work out. Their problems became my problems.
I am now more disciplined – as in, “more controlled”, not as in, “more punishments.” Although who am I kidding? That applies too. HA! In fact, the latter has a lot to do with the former. I digress…
Any who, it’s not that I now avoid being a shoulder to lean on. I simply better appreciate the difference between “lending a shoulder” and “bearing their burden.” And yes, Mike is there to tell me to back off if he senses I am getting in too deep.
I stated all of that because two new couples have entered our lives that basically started as me being their shoulder to lean on. They both have such interesting stories that have ties to TTWD, thus my desire to share them with you.
JAIME AND CHELSEA
The first couple I want to share is Jaime and Chelsea. And that’s Jaime as in Hi-me, not Jay-me. And in case you are keeping score, technically this started as Kayla being the shoulder to lean on, not me – and actually ends with Mike being the shoulder they lean on. I surely didn’t see that coming.
Chelsea is a friend Kayla met at school a little more than a year ago. She was a freshman undergrad who met Kayla in a chance encounter, struck up a conversation, and they’ve been friends ever since. Although a freshman at the time, Chelsea is actually Kayla’s age. Chelsea got married right out of high school, worked her butt off, and started college at 21 or so.
It was unusual for Kayla to have friends of her own age group. Kayla’s friends are almost exclusively 5-10 years older than her as Kayla’s always enjoyed the company of older friends, even when she was little. For whatever reason, she and Chelsea clicked and became friends, probably because in a lot of ways Chelsea is also wise beyond her years.
Chelsea is one of these people with no filter. Says whatever is on her mind, but not in an arrogant or demanding way. It’s quite innocent, curious, and honest. Authentic! Yeah, that’s the best word for it. And it wasn’t long before Chelsea picked up on various clues and came right out and asked Kayla if she was someone’s submissive or slave. Yep, no filter.
Kayla honestly answered any questions. Not like every kinky detail, but sufficient to answer any particular question. It wasn’t long before Chelsea confided in Kayla that she likes to be disciplined by her husband. And, she shared that they have been struggling with it, in her words, “immensely struggling.”
At some point, Kayla asked if I would talk to Chelsea. Of course, I agreed. I spoke to her on many occasions, even having her over to the house a few times. She had a very different upbringing, thus my fascination with both her story and her situation. So, before I get into what Chelsea is struggling with, here’s some scoop on her upbringing.
Chelsea got married right out of high school to Jaime, who is four years older… she was 18, he was 22. Four years isn’t a lot, except for it is when, a month before their wedding, she was still in high school and he was 22. That’s a big life experience gap!
Chelsea said she just couldn’t wait to get out of the house and be on her own, and getting married was the best way to sever the apron strings – AND THE BELT! Yep, she grew up in a household where spanking wasn’t just the norm, it was a family institution. Although – Chelsea always refers to it as “discipline” and not spanking.
She shared that her father would spank everyone, including her mom. Chelsea is the second oldest of 5 kids – an older brother, a younger brother, and two younger sisters.
And the discipline was almost always a family affair. One was rarely spanked in private, and almost exclusively bare bottomed. The exception was her mom, who mostly, but not always, would be spanked in private, but well within earshot. Such discipline was the standard practice of her extended family as well. It all seemed normal to her and her cousins. They didn’t make it a topic of everyday conversation, but they didn’t hide it either. It was just normal. When someone got in trouble it was like, “So what kind of disciplining did you get?”
The rules of her household were that the boy’s discipline would no longer include spanking once they turned 15, but would continue for the girls for as long as they lived under their parents’ roof. Further, once her brothers were 16, her dad would make sure they observed any spankings he was giving. He would break down the details for them, explaining why he chose a particular number of strikes or explaining the proper way to verbally chastise. Clearly, it was to prepare them to take on a similar role in their own households one day.
Chelsea said on two occasions her dad even had her brothers spank her. Once when she borrowed her older brothers car without asking. The other was for “disrespecting” her younger brother. That happened to be one of her last spankings. It happened when her brother was 17 and Chelsea was 18 but not yet out of the house. That one really upset her as she thought it ridiculous that her younger brother could be allowed to do such things.
And while Chelsea couldn’t wait to get out from under that sort of discipline, she said she never had ill feelings about it and still doesn’t. She feels her parents truly believe it is the right way to raise children, and neither she nor her siblings ever felt abused. It wasn’t like they lived in fear of being disciplined, and not every disciplining was a spanking. But with five kids, plus the mom, it was a rare week that someone didn’t get at least one spanking.
She was spanked the most. She admitted to a bit of a defiant streak, especially from about ages 13-16, plus her parents felt she needed to be an example for her younger sisters and thus held her to a higher standard.
While she disliked it enough to seek a quick way out (getting married), she said it wasn’t just the discipline that she wanted to avoid. It was that she did want to be subject to the many rules that often led to being disciplined. Things like chores and curfews. She couldn’t imagine going through college under her parents’ rules and consequences. Marriage was a loophole where they agreed to still help with some of the schooling costs and it gave her the freedom she desired.
Now that doesn’t sound fair to Jaime, but Chelsea said there was more to it. It wasn’t like she was going to run off with the first guy that seemed halfway decent. The two of them dated for two years (yes, a 16-year old dating a 20-year old), and she said her parents very much approved of Jaime. Although they didn’t approve at first, he grew on them. That will have to be another story if I choose to share it.
About two years or so into the marriage Chelsea realized she was missing something. That’s where things got interesting.