HELLO, IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?
I’ll save all the “I’ve been busy” stuff. It will likely stay like that for a while, but today, “Yea! I got some ‘me’ time.”
Mike decreed a day off for me. No appointments, no commitments, no chores. Mike took Kayla and J out for the entire day so it’s just me at home by myself. So, I slept in a bit, which was really nice, and I surfed some television and had a relaxing morning. And now I am blogging!
With so much to share, I wasn’t sure where to start. How about a bit of Jenny-rant on the topic of swinging? Anyone? Okay, that’s one, two… alright, swinging it is!
CUCKS OR SWINGERS?
First a vocabulary check. What’s the diff between cuck and swinging? The line is fuzzy and there is overlap. In my observation, like with most labels, the differences are more clear at the extremes.
A “pure” cuckold never participates in the sex and either simply knows their partner is with someone or perhaps even watches. They may not even have any say over who their partner is with. The less control, the greater the “cuck” and it can have strong feelings of humiliation for the cuck, which they thrive on. Contrast that with a “pure” swinger who is a couple who likely agree on their own “rules of engagement” regarding the sex they both have with others. No humiliation, just mutual sexual enjoyment with others.
Thus, I describe TTWD to be both cuckolding and swinging, depending on the context. Philosophically we feel more aligned with swinging than cuck, but, our swinging definitely can include cuck. Clearly, we are not Swinger-purists. So there you have it!
WHY WRITE ABOUT THIS?!?
I was prompted to give this topic some thought because we recently expanded our “Circle of Trust” and have some new friends in our life. I am sure I will write about them at some point. As this couple was new to the lifestyle, I was put in a position to answer the question, “Why?”
WHY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE?
I shared a little bit about my thoughts on this topic back on Post 237. Weird in a Good Way. But I figured I should explore those thoughts a bit deeper.
I researched swinging when we first opened up our marriage about three years ago because I had that same question. But now I had to answer it to someone else. I am sharing the concept that I shared with the couple who asked me this. I’d love to give credit to wherever I first read about these concepts, but I don’t know where it was. Of course, I’ve added my own opinions to it. Here’s how I internalized all that I recall reading about and how I answered the question, “Why have an open marriage?”
Quick disclaimer – I am not saying why you SHOULD have an open marriage. I am simply answering the question of why I do.
DESIRE VERSUS COMMITMENT
It comes down to desire versus commitment
Desire: It’s all the sizzle. . .
- It is the promise that comes with novelty
- It is the anticipation that comes with mystery
- It is the excitement that comes with the unknown
- It is the endless possibilities of our imagination
- It is the pain of yearning that comes with distance from the object of your desire
- It is the challenge of a puzzle that beckons to be solved
- It is the power of attraction towards the person we desire
Commitment: It’s all the “boring” stuff. . .
- It is the familiarity of routine
- It is the security of the known and predictable
- It is the comfort of a foregone conclusion
- It is the constant closeness that precludes distance
- It is the power of attraction towards the person to which we are committed
The “desire” that I describe is often summed up as NRE – New Relationship Energy. It tends to ONLY exist at the beginning of a relationship. If the relationship continues, it evolves into the Commitment phase. The only constant is the attraction. Yes, you are still attracted to the person, but, all the sizzle, all that NRE, is long gone. Simply put, everything that really turns us about someone — I mean, really lights that fire of desire in our belly — eventually fades.
Mystery becomes familiarity, novelty becomes routine, uncertainty becomes security, anticipation becomes a foregone conclusion, and the yearning of distance gets contracted into a near constant closeness.
The more attached we become to someone, the more we fear to lose them. To keep from losing them, we increase our commitment to them. In turn, if they fear losing us, they increase their commitment to you. By default, this increase in commitment decreases desire. Relationship rules and expectations begin to form to help us maintain commitment. These rules and expectations become a subconscious way we place controls on each other. Controls meant to add certainty, add familiarity, i.e., to add commitment.
We think commitment alone will keep our relationship safe. In fact, it can destroy the things that turned us on at the beginning of the relationship. It’s ironic that we want to know everything about someone so that there is no mystery, and by doing so, we choke the life out of our desire for them.
The relationship controls that we willingly accept in order to show and maintain our commitment can actually turn us off. Those controls can eventually choke the desire out of our own daily routine and impact how we view ourselves. They can fester and grow into resentments and feelings that actually undermine our commitment to the other person.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
About four years ago when I connected to all that I have stated here, in Jenny style I looked at it as a problem to be solved. We adopted DD and eventually opened up our relationship. Opened it first to each other, then to others. We did it by increasing the desire in our relationship.
We didn’t just increase one or two of those components but increased ALL of them. I am sure there are countless other ways we could have done that, but, the way that resonated with me and with Mike was via sharing ourselves sexually. First, 100% with each other (complete transparent communication and vulnerability) and then, yes, even sharing ourselves sexually with others.
This immediately and instantly increased every piece of the “desire equation” that I referenced in the above bullets. Instant NRE! And the cuck element is that we each feed off the energy of the other and find immense pleasure in the others pleasure. We also get a thrill from the taboo of it all.
Mike finds me irresistible when I find someone else attractive or I want to explore sexually with someone – or he tells me to explore and I comply. It’s full of mystery…What will it be like? Will I like it? What does the future hold? Everything is new, nothing is certain and the implicit danger and taboo enhances the erotic appeal. It’s a full-on adrenaline release. And I feel the same about him.
And whether we are watching the other or simply knowing the other is with someone, the lack of togetherness actually stokes the flames of desire. It raises the feelings of passion we have towards each other. It revives our routine, it opens us up to further sexual experiences and exploration together. BUT…
WARNING – RISKS!
It does have risks if you don’t have the right foundation for commitment. And because we first started with 100% openness towards each other and made ourselves 100% vulnerable to the other, we developed complete and total trust in one another. That foundation of an unbreakable commitment to each other allows us to explore life in endless ways, including sexual, without fear of losing that commitment from the other person. And all that exploration, whether sexual or not, only serves to flame our desire for each other. Thus we maintain BOTH desire and commitment towards each other. That’s very special and something we both cherish.
8 thoughts on “306. Cuck, Swinging, and NRE. Huh???”
When you go open, a lot of things get opened and to the point where a lot of couples fail in this because of the level of openness required for this to be truly successful. Not only does it make a couple very vulnerable, it increases the risk of loss of the core relationship IF the core relationship proves not to be equal to the stresses that can appear.
You not only have to be grown up enough to do this, your relationship has to be incredibly strong to stand up against those moments when negative emotions – jealousy, envy, possessiveness, etc., decide to show up for the party. And I do applaud any couple who can pull this off successfully and are able to explore things in the way that works best for them and those who join them.
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Alternate and terrifying viewpoint-not so much from you girl. These last few years have shown just how much you and Mike have grown. Your trust and commitment shine on. Wish I could have been a fly in the room to hear some of those conversations. Is Kayla ok with the new couple?
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Kayla is fine with it. There’s some unique aspects of what’s going in with both those couples. Can’t really explain in a comment. But suffice to say, Kayla’s all good with it. Thanks for asking.
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Interesting to read this Jenny. But I have to say the whole idea terrifies me to death. I have actual nightmares that MrH would want to be with someone other than me. I know these are my own insecurities and so on..
At the same time I enjoy reading how it works for you and your family.
Thank you for sharing 😊
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I understand why it could be a source of fear. I don’t look at it as him choosing someone else over me. It is simply choosing someone in that moment, but when the moment is over, he’s all mine again. In that moment that he isn’t “mine”, we are stoking the flames of desire so that it feels all the more satisfying when he is “mine” again. I know the fear is “what if he doesn’t come back?” I don’t have that fear and if I even give it a thought, then I feel like if that happened, then what we had wasn’t as valuable as a thought, so, good riddance. I strongly believe that sex with anyone else, whether I am having it or he is having it, will never be more powerful and meaningful to us than our relationship together. If we are wrong, then our relationship is clearly less meaningful than we believe it to be. Don’t know if that makes sense or not, and I am not trying to say everyone should feel that way. I believe if there is the smallest bit of insecurity in the commitment to each other, swinging is a terrible idea as it will take that small bit of insecurity and magnify it a thousand-fold. Thanks for commenting and being accepting of such an alternate and terrifying viewpoint.
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It does make a lot of sense in the way you explain it. I can see how it works for you and brings a great deal to your life. 😊
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