294. How to have fulfilling “joyless” sex

294

KEEPING THE OVARIES
No hysterectomy!  I rescheduled back in October because I felt uneasy.  Not sure exactly what it was, but something in me left me unconvinced that it was the right thing for me.

After more reflection and continued dealing with various lady-part problems and symptoms, I decided I should move ahead with it; after all, the doctor was clear that I would benefit.  It was set for December. 

The hospital called the day before the surgery to go over the intake process.  I was ready.  About an hour later, my phone rings and it is the doctor’s office.  My doctor, whom I’ve had for about 22-years and who delivered two of my children, was “no longer with this practice.”  Surgery is canceled.  I would have to schedule a consultation with a new doctor and see what they recommended.   WTF??

As it turned out, they fired my doctor for performing unnecessary surgeries.  After my consult with the new doctor, she made it clear to me – a hysterectomy was not indicated based on my medical issues.  Many of my symptoms were just menopause related, and those that weren’t directly related could be treated with various meds and/or therapies.  JUST AS I ALWAYS SUSPECTED.

I learned a long time ago that no one knows your body better than you, not even your doctor.  And doctors can be wrong.  Medicine is not 100% science.  There is an art to it and the artisan skills are molded by the logical fallacies humans are predisposed to when we aren’t diligent to avoid them.  Add to it, even the most “flawless” doctor can’t account for everything.  Then throw in the possibility that some doctors may be motivated by something other than the standards of care. 

Moral of the story.  Trust yourself regarding your own body!  If something doesn’t sound right to you, get a second opinion!

Side note — my new doc is a female, a first for me.  I don’t know why, but, I had always preferred a male gynecologist.  I liked my new doctor and plan to stick with her (and female gyno’s going forward).  Oh – and in case you wonder – I’ve been honest with my doctors about my sexual activities.  I am sure my new doctor had quite the story to tell her husband when she got home!

IN A RELATED STORY
I had very little sexual desire through much of October and December.  In fact, I had little motivation to do much anything.  If not for my dedication to Duties and Obligations, it would have been a very lazy and unfulfilling Fall.

This lack of overall desire for much of anything was also one more piece of why my blogging respite went on for so long.  I was unmotivated to blog or do much of anything.  Finally, with my hormones in order, things have returned to normal.  Well, my version of normal anyway!  lol. 

The experience provided me with a unique perspective.

SEX WITHOUT SEXUAL ENERGY
We’ve all likely had times where we weren’t feeling frisky, but this went way beyond that.  I lacked any sexual response to sex.  Emotionally I wasn’t feeling it, and that lack of emotion had physical manifestations.  My nipples didn’t perk up, heart rate and breathing didn’t accelerate,  I didn’t get that “flush” feeling in my stomach, chest, or face, and no tensing of the muscles in my thighs and hips, no tingling in my nether-regions.  . . and certainly no orgasm.

I didn’t feel connected to my own body.  It all felt a bit impersonal.   Sounds awful, yes?

Well, actually. . . No.  It could have been awful if it went on longer, or if I feared it might be permanent.  I somehow knew it was all just related to hormones and compounded by the death of my father

I made the best of it.  After all, it wasn’t like I had a negative response to sex.  I wasn’t feeling guilt, sadness, or disillusion regarding sexual activity.  I just had no feelings at all, one way or the other.  I was this sexually emotionless body going through the motions.  No excitement, no plateau, no orgasm, no post-coital bliss.  And it was great!  Okay, great is an overstatement.  But, it was good.  

HOW TO HAVE FULFILLING “JOYLESS” SEX
I discovered a key ingredient that makes for fulfilling sex despite an absence of sexual energy.  Intimacy!    I still felt intimacy but in a whole new way.

I found myself 100% focused on the other person.  I felt the rhythm of every movement they made.  I felt the heat of every breath they took.   I felt the crescendo of sex in them. And I experienced their orgasm in a way that I can’t adequately describe other than to say it was very fulfilling.  (This is when I wish I had more literary skills as “very fulfilling” just doesn’t do it justice).

In addition to the feelings, there were the observations.  I mean, think about it, how often do you really watch the other person and think about every little thing you are seeing.  Sure, a glimpse or thought here and there, but I am talking about a prolonged look.   The closest I’ve come to this is in threesomes or group settings when I watch others, but typically I am also part of the sexual energy as well.  To be part of it all but not feel any of that sexual energy made for a very different experience.

I am not one to only focus on myself during sex; however, I have never been 100% focused on the other person.  Let’s be honest.  You can’t help but feel the tingles, the yearnings, and all that comes with the crescendo that ends in your own climax.  Since I wasn’t feeling any of those things, 100% of my focus was on the other person.

In some ways, it felt a bit clinical.  Like I was observing others having sex, even though I was part of it.  But it also felt like I was connecting with the other person in a new and more profound way.   Instead of experiencing sex from my point of view, (a point of view driven by all the electricity going through my body), I was experiencing it from their point of view and I was fully tuned into the electricity going through their body.   

While it was wonderful to be exclusively focused on their enjoyment, at times it felt more like I was simply providing a service.  After all, I was doing something solely for their benefit, absent any sexual satisfaction of my own.  Normally, the feeling of service will tickle my submissive spot, but that spot was also numb during this time. 

JOYLESS SUBMISSION?
Yeah, I wasn’t feeling particularly submissive throughout this period.  It made it difficult to get through my chores each day until I found new motivation.  Since submission by itself wasn’t motivation enough, where could I find it?  

I found it through my dedication to my submission.  I took it all as a new challenge.  Basically, performing my Duties and Obligations absent my normal joy would become my new act of submission.   In other words, I wanted to demonstrate to myself a new level of commitment to my DD by adhering to all my Duties and Obligations at a time I just wasn’t feeling it. 

I’ve done that before, but that was only mild ebbs and flows of “not feeling it.”  This time, it was a tsunami of “not feeling it.”

I WAS LUCKY
The moment I first felt the hint of indifference I chalked it up to hormones and felt confident it was temporary.  I think that is why I was able to experience this in an upbeat manner.  I can imagine how hard such an occurrence could be on other women who can’t put their finger on the cause or worry that it may be permanent.

I also think about what this experience would have been like pre-DD.  While I believe I’ve always been fairly well intuned with my body, that wasn’t always the case when it came to sexual energy.   This would have caused me a lot of self-doubts and stress, which would only compound all the issues.

Further, I doubt I would have been as vocal in sharing my funk with Mike, thus he would have been largely in the dark over what was going on with me.  All he would see is an unattentive wife, in the household and in bed.  I am sure tensions would start to run high, an outburst here, an argument there.   Yeah, it would be have been bad.

MORE KUDOS FOR MY DD
I was motivated to demonstrate a new level of commitment to serving Mike.  Yes, I wanted to show him, but more importantly, I wanted to prove it to myself.   And yes, it definitely helped that this was backed up by knowing there would be consequences (i.e. spankings) for failing in my Duties and Obligations. 

My DD helped this be a positive experience, albeit one that I am glad has ended.  I mean, a girl needs the excitement of the build-up, the plateau, the climax, and the post-coital bliss.  Okay, let’s be honest, while that other stuff is nice, it’s the “BIG O” that I missed the most!  

Next: 295. The one about the comment

10 thoughts on “294. How to have fulfilling “joyless” sex”

  1. Physical issues aside, a lot of sex never happens because if your mind is elsewhere, having a fun good time in bed is the last thing on your mind. Once your brain gets occupied thinking about other things, it’s not always easy to shut it down and get it thinking about sex, leading to many instances of not being in the mood and even if ya say, “Let’s do it anyway because, well, it might change the mood and make it enjoyable.”

    Except your brain and body doesn’t always agree with that and your body isn’t going to respond the way you want it to if, again, your brain ain’t feeling it and even more when, in fact, getting laid would be a good thing to do. Even I’ve found that it takes being able to “trick” my distracted mind into having sex and have fun. My wife says to me, “I need you…” but my brain is returning a busy signal and telling her, “Sorry, babe – I’m not in the mood…” just ain’t gonna work. It’s not “fake it until you make it” and, honestly, I don’t think I can explain how I can get my preoccupied mind to refocus on laying waste to my wife – I just do it and some of it – I think – is my being able to think about how pleased she’ll be that I’m addressing her need, and thinking about doing the things I know she likes, then start thinking about some things I haven’t done to her – or haven’t done in a while and now it’s on.

    That’s not exactly what goes on in my head but it’s the best I can do trying to put it into words. Your brain can be the ultimate form of birth control and master cock blocker and I guess it happens to us so many times that we think there’s nothing we can do about it… but there is if you can find a way to “always” be excited about the prospect of having sex and no matter what your brain is paying attention to.

    I guess it’s some weird kind of thing where you don’t think about whether you want to do it or not – and provided there’s nothing physically wrong with you. I’ve somehow trained my brain to “go away” when sex is on the list of things to do. Sex is fun; sex is exciting and unless the body really ain’t feeling it – you’re sick, tired, in pain (which might not work for Jennifer) – sure, give me two eye blinks to get undressed and, yowsah, we gonna do the nasty!

    I always want to please my wife and, I dunno, maybe as a husband I’ve been “trained” in that Pavlovian way that when she wants to do it, it’s gonna get done and I might as well have fun doing it and no matter what my stupid brain is thinking about.

    And, yeah, glad to hear you’re not getting the plumbing ripped out. Doctors are supposed to determine if a woman is a good candidate for a hysterectomy and it’s the “last ditch option” when all other options fail or there’s an immediate threat to your life. Medicine is an art and not an exact science and even though doctors go to school and learn the same things about practicing their art, eh, they’re human and they’re not always gonna get shit right.

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  2. Kudos to you for being so well informed on the subject of bioidenticals and a good spanking for me for not! I stand corrected about my mention of bioidenticals and glad you did thorough research on the subject. Though I do believe in certain types of alternative medicine, I’ve never taken bioidentical hormones myself. I do know of several women who have invested in this type of alternative replacement therapy with good results but we all need to exercise due diligence with recommendations about what we put into our bodies, even when they come from doctors. Obviously more research is needed despite FDA-approval of certain bios. My experience with hormone therapy was a long time ago after having a total hysterectomy which included the removal of fallopian tubes, ovaries, cervix, and uterus. According to the ob/gyn it then required my life time use of estradiol therapy. However, I stopped using HRT after it was linked to an increase in breast cancer especially for long term users. In addition to that concern was researchers’ discovering that long term use of conventional hormone therapy doesn’t prevent cardiovascular disease as originally believed. Pharmacogenetics testing sounds interesting, glad it helped you, and that you’re on a good wellness path. Also happy you were spared this difficult surgery. Wishing you countless future “Os”.

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    1. Thank you! Yeah, healthcare is complex there always seem to be unintended consequences to every health decision we make that is ostensibly made “for the better.” And I am not against all things labeled “alternative,” such as, let’s see, um.. alternative lifestyles! hee hee. Seriously though, even when it comes to medicine – but sometimes “natural” gets conflated with “alternative” and they are different. Alternative to me means “not generally accepted as actually working but enough hype and anectodes exist along with good profit potential that pushes a narrative of a cure-all.” There is actually a formula for alternative medicine. Find some exotic sounding berry, give it magical attributes, attack the medical community for wanting to hide it’s magic, then package it and sell it at a huge profit. I digress! However, many “natural” remedies are backed by science. Eh…forget my rant, let’s just get on with the O’s!!

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  3. Glad you were spared a hysterectomy and now have a doctor who can hopefully help you with female issues. Think it’s best to have a woman doctor since they are far more attuned to female issues. Hormones can really wreak havoc on body and mind. Has your doctor recommended getting a Female Comprehensive Hormone Panel done? Getting bioidentical hormones that fit your needs may be a good option. Also a website called womenshealthnetwork.com has some useful information. Best to you and that “Big O” and I don’t mean Oprah, ha ha.

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    1. Funny you mentioned Oprah. I had typed out…”and i don’t mean Oprah” to end my post, but deleted it before posting as i figured i made enough attempts at humor already. As for bioidentical…jury is out in its effectiveness and frankly, it sounds dubious. I don’t believe in alternative medicine. There is “medicine” and “not medicine.” And as soon as you see something described as “alternative,” chances are high it is not medicine and is based on pseudo-science. Not saying that’s the case here, but it’s got all the markings of pseudoscience. I did do a pharmacogenetics test. It’s helpful for anyone taking any meds. It really helps dial in dosage as it looks at how your body metabolizes the active ingredient. Instead of looking at dosage based on means testing done on groups, it looks at if based on how your individual body handles the drug. It’s sort of accomplishing what bioidentcal hormones purport to accomplish, but it has the science to back it up and applied to all meds. It isn’t part of an expensive (ie profit driven) treatment plan. Insurance doesn’t cover it, but it’s worth the expense as i had several dosages changed as a result. Anyway, that’s my two cents. I appreciate the suggestion though and if it’s worked for you, more power to ‘ya.

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      1. That idea about being tested for hormonal levels is a good one. I’m glad you didn’t need the hysterectomy as I’m against frivolous surgeries. I wish my Queen didn’t need one, but unfortunately she does. It’s freaky to see her uterus protruding from her…
        on the other hand, I’m so glad you now feel the joy of sex!! Again!! I do know a little about watching your partner and experiencing joy through them. While I retain my joy and pleasure of sex, because I’m not allowed to orgasm most of the time I really watch and enjoy my Queen’s pleasure. I’m also looking at the signs she gives me so that I can maximize her fun and pleasure!

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  4. I am so glad you have another (better) doctor to see and no surgery was necessary! My first gynecologist was an old, old man who didn’t know what he was doing…first he didn’t want to address the reason I went in, then he told me I had a mass but in the wrong place and the wrong size, then he told me I had HPV without testing me for it and put me on a bunch of vitamins that did nothing, then he sent the wrong letter about my pap smear and told me I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. I was even lectured for being too old for the HPV vaccine (this was before the FDA raised the age limit). A week before I was due for a colposcopy I received a call that he had retired and I needed to see another doctor. My current one is a female who studied with my oncologist, so she understands my full history. She’s the one who told me I wasn’t even tested for HPV and I didn’t have precancerous cells, confirmed with the colposcopy.
    I don’t mean to take over and make this about me, I just want you to know that I’ve been through a similar situation so I completely understand what it’s like.

    Finding the right doctor is crucial. It’s hard to find one that listens without bias. Of course, it doesn’t help that there is so much less known about the female body.

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