Uh, I cover a couple of different things in this post and struggled with a title. What do you think of my solution?
I wrote in my last post about Matt inviting me to go to the coast with him. When the idea first came up and Mike said he wanted me to go, I was very quick with a “Yes, Sir.” It was more out of habit than out of a desire to go. When I gave it some thought, I realized I would rather be at T1’s for the weekend than with Matt. (Per my last post, we spent almost every weekend in May helping out at T1’s new house). I like Matt, but I enjoy my family more, and have really enjoyed the time with T1, E, and her cousin’s family.
MIKE WANTS ME TO GO
I was going to ask Matt to reschedule our trip, but, before I could do that Mike said something that made me reconsider. Mike mentioned how he thought it would be good for me to have that extended time with Matt and that it would be good for Kayla to have some time around family without me there.
“Without me there!” I imagine that sounds harsh. It isn’t in the context from which I knew he was speaking. Although we are no longer hiding our relationship with Kayla, it is easy for her to be made to feel like a “third wheel” or somehow in a “second class” relationship to what Mike and I have.
Don’t get me wrong – Mike and I have been married 26 years and what Kayla has with him and with me is nothing compared to our marriage. No matter what any of us do, nothing will change the fact that the relationship Mike and I have trumps any relationship any of us have with anyone else. (ug, you know, I don’t think I can ever use the word “trump” again. It no longer connotes “rank above” and simply connotes “rank” – as in the slang meaning of something horrible, disgusting, and sick). I digress.
My point is the unbreakable and enduring relationship Mike and I have doesn’t need to be rubbed in Kayla’s face. And she deserves the opportunity to explore facets of her relationship with Mike in ways that don’t always involve me. Mike and I have often talked about this and is why we have designated date nights with him and that Kayla sometimes goes with him on business trips. And at least once a month Kayla and I go out on an official “date.” We both love Kayla and want her to feel wanted, appreciated, and loved.
It is in THAT context that I fully understood what Mike was saying. Thus, I decided that my desires to be at T1’s were less important than my desire to give that experience to Kayla. Kayla deserves the opportunity to experience Mike’s attention and affection around family without me there and when else might that opportunity come?
It made me feel good knowing that I was not only going with Matt because it was what Mike wished (and doing as he wishes always tickles my special spot), but I was also doing it for Kayla, who I love and care about. On top of all of that, I enjoy my time with Matt and a weekend at the coast with no kids or worries? Well, duh! Sign me up!
MY WEEKEND WITH MATT
It was fun. My mind drifted at times back to Mike and the family, but I took advantage of my time away. I got a massage, got some sun, and of course, Matt and I had lots of sex.
The more time I spend with Matt the more I have realized something. I wish he was more different from Mike. In some ways he has the same easy-going personality. They share a similar demeanor. I mean, if I am going to explore outside my marriage, I kind of wish I was exploring vastly different terrain. Not to say they are totally alike – but still.
I enjoy my time with Matt but I wouldn’t say I love him. Fond of him, yes. But love? No. And we have talked about this. We joke that in some ways were are glorified fuck-buddies (Mike allowed me to include that since that is indeed factual – we do joke about that). It is more than just sex, but perhaps not by much! Ha. Anyway, as long as Matt and I are on the same page about it, and Mike as well, then it is all good.
DAD, IS KAYLA YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
So how did that weekend without me go at T1’s? It went great. Mike was outwardly affection with Kayla…holding hands, quick little pecks on the lips, and of course the sleeping arrangement included them sleeping together. It prompted J to ask, “Dad, is Kayla your girlfriend?”
While we haven’t been hiding things from J, we never blatantly told him anything like we did with T1, T2, and others. We felt simply letting things “be” and allowing his awareness to evolve was a better approach then sitting him down and telling him about it. Telling him something is always like a line in the sand for him. Had we just told him, it would be like, “before we talked, Kayla was just Kayla, but as of this moment, it has changed, and she is now our girlfriend.”
It would have been jarring for him. His mind would have tried to fill in any uncertainty about what “girlfriend” meant. This lack of sureness would have been very anxiety inducing (I’ve written about his special needs). Thus, it was simply better for him to witness and experience what it means for us to love Kayla before actually putting a label on it. Applying a label to something he already knows and has experienced is a clarifying event, versus the anxiety inducing event of hearing the label and being left to wonder what that label really means.
So what did Mike say? Mike told him, “Yes, she is mom and dad’s girlfriend. We both love her very much.” To that, J just said, “Okay, I thought so.” And that was it. And believe me, if J had any unresolved emotions he would make it abundantly clear. And while he doesn’t always clearly verbalize his emotions, what he can’t verbalize will manifest itself in a variety of neurotic ways. And Mike said he was not only fine in his response, but remained calm and happy the entire weekend.
An interesting aside is that J didn’t question my love for Kayla – he wasn’t thrown by Kayla being my girlfriend too. However, he probably didn’t fully connect the dots about what that means about my sexuality. We aren’t going to connect them until he presents them for connection. I suspect that realization will come soon enough, but again, it will be in the context of what he has witnessed and experienced regarding a warm, loving, and fun relationship and not just some label.
Of course, some of J’s happiness may be in that J is in love for the first time — with E’s 11 year-old niece! But that’s a whole other story and post! And it is rated PG! I felt compelled to state that right away. The thought of letting the imagination run wild for some of you kinky f’s is just not acceptable when my child is concerned!
Of course, when it comes to anything about me, or Mike and I, well, feel free to imagine away!