Yeah, that image evokes something BDSM-related, but sorry, no kinky story this time. Just a tale of reflection, Jenny style.
I’ve slowed in my posting. Part of a self imposed decrease in my attention to emails, social media, and blog. I plan on resuming my “normal” obsession level soon – lol – but I am enjoying the break. I started some new things. I joined a yoga class and I am reading more and I started meditating — something I’ve never done before. It’s been awesome.
While I won’t stop doing those things, I also won’t let those things keep me off my laptop! I’ll be increasing my computer time soon, just at a more balanced level.
I was talking to one my sisters who frequently reads my blog. (116. Revealing DD to my sisters, 121. 20 Questions from Sis, 136. Submitted Wife). There are times I wish I hadn’t told her about my blog – there are just some things a sister doesn’t need to know. But overall I am glad I did. I can benefit from her sisterly advice and comments. It’s great to have a sounding board from a “vanilla” who also has my best interests at heart. And, she provided me with the fodder for this post!
She asked me if I ever reflect on how I ended up with the following:
- Mike: A husband willing to entertain and adopt my suggestion regarding Domestic Discipline.
- John and Donna: Friends (and neighbors) who share similar kinks and open to swinging and sharing with us.
- Kayla: A former babysitter turned friend and lover AND fellow submissive.
- Lunch Bunch: My group of “gal pals” who, instead of shunning me, accepted me when I shared the news of my sexcapdes and submission with them. Even to the extent one of them has “consulted” with me on spicing up their sex life (and more to come on that in another post).
- Matt: A friend and former co-worker of Mike’s with whom I have sex with, as does Kayla, and who joins us at times with John and Donna.
- E: My soon to be daughter-in-law is a third generation nudist (naturist). We discover this just as I am suggesting to Mike that we try out a nudist resort or beach.
I told sis that I hadn’t specifically reflected on this, but my answer didn’t require deep reflection. I immediately felt I knew the answer. The following is what I shared with her.
Yes, since adopting Domestic Discipline, it seems my life is filled with more “unique” experiences than I could have ever imagined. It could be a karma type thing, or a “as you sow, so shall you reap” type of thing. I’ve always believed in my own version of karma – I believe that if we want happiness, peace, friendship, and love…then we must first be those things — happy, peaceful, friendly, and loving. Whatever we want to be around us, we must first be ourselves. And I believe it is even more than that.
- What we CHOOSE for ourselves we also RETAIN — i.e., the things our filter lets in will stick with us.
- What we REJECT for ourselves we DISCARD – i.e., the things our filter removes won’t stick with us.
The single most influential factor in our lives is the people who surround each day. And we are surrounded and influenced by the people we have chosen to be in our lives.
Surround yourself with happy, peaceful, friendly, loving people, and it is much easier to be those things yourself. They feed on each other. Surround yourself with negative people..anxious, self absorbed, untrustworthy, mean spirited, cold, fearful, etc… and it is easy to become those things yourself. They also feed on each other.
FILTER and CHOOSE WISELY
There are tons of emotional dust and negativity and other bits of self-defeating debris floating around in our daily lives. I believe you can avoid ingesting this debris if you adopt the right “filters” in your life.
If someone is an emotional drainer… someone who makes me uneasy…. I can’t trust them, I am unsettled being around them…. well, I simply choose to not be around them – even if they are family!
My filter once had a glaring weakness. My need to provide guidance (I was a guidance counselor after all) slowly morphed to a need to “fix” people. I didn’t realize it at the time as I thought I was just being helpful, but I allowed myself to become too invested in their outcome — at times I was more invested in someone’s outcome than they were. What a waste of time and energy. I still like to help people, but I am much more in tune with whether or not they want to help themselves first.
This “filtering” I do means that at this point in my life I am left with a group of people that fulfill me and reflect the things I value the most.
VALUE VERSUS VALUES
Value means valuing the differences, not just valuing the things we agree with. My friends and family are diverse in their religious beliefs or lack thereof, as well as political beliefs. These can be incendiary topics to disagree on — but — we agree on some core values regarding personal happiness, truthfulness, empathy, respect, and acceptance. Our differences may be in how we “execute” those values, but those differences make for great conversations.
Simply put, we don’t “damn” each other for our differences. Question, but don’t judge. We accept each others “truths” as being fine for the other person, even if we reject them for ourselves. The result is I haven’t necessarily filtered out those that are different than I am. Instead, I have filtered out those that are intolerant of such differences.
Here are some specific things that I attribute to the openness and acceptance of the relationships my sister questioned.
I can write a novel on this. Simply put, he is my soul mate, we compliment and complete each other. We are one, but not the same. We are willing to try, explore, and support anything the other asks.
JOHN AND DONNA
They are just as surprised with me and Mike as we are with them. They had been doing their version of D/s well before us. We were friends and neighbors for many years prior to my DD and of course, prior to swinging and playing with them.
She credits her fondness of me and Mike as coming from how warm, loving, and accepting our household has always been of her. I mentioned before she had a crush on Mike when she was younger, but Kayla didn’t fully reveal to us until later just how deep that crush was, and that it also included me.
While a part of her looked at Mike as a father figure, she mostly fantasized about him as a mate. When I shared my DD with her, she immediately saw it as an opportunity to explore — explore her fantasies about Mike, her feelings for other women, explore poly in a more comfortable way (she was already in a poly relationship), and of course, explore being submissive. And the clincher for her was that she could do all of that in a safe, warm, and nurturing environment.
I have been surprised by my lunch bunch friends level of acceptance (222. It’s only kinky the first time). I thought some would be so uncomfortable that they would not want me to speak of it again — but they all have been eager to bring it up in and further the conversation. I know they all don’t accept it as being something for them, but they all accept it as being something for me. I would love to call that simply, “choosing good friends,” but frankly, I think some of it was just luck.
Mike chose him to be in our life, not me. I am still getting to know him, but I think Mike’s choice in inviting him into our “Circle of Trust” is based on similar things that I look for in people. There hasn’t been anything about him that has concerned me and I enjoy his company. The sex is great too – ha!
T1 chose E, so I can’t take the credit; however, it does make me think about how much T1’s upbringing may have influenced his attraction to someone like E. In many ways E embodies the values I always wanted to instill in my kids, even though I wasn’t always consistent or good at doing so. And this has nothing to do with the nudist stuff – although that sort of encapsulates it all. She has no false pretenses, is sure of herself but not full of herself, and is empathetic and caring. A perfect match for T1. I can’t be more happy for him to have found someone like her.
While I’d like to credit T1’s upbringing for equipping him with a “filter” to attract and retain someone like E in his life, the truth is, I think it is mostly luck. In my experience, children are as likely to reject their parent’s “filters” as they are to accept them. Perhaps what helped with T1 is that we set filters based on broader issues of feeling good about yourself versus specific issues of say looks, finances, race, religion, politics, etc.
My “filter” is not perfect. I’ve let in plenty of the “wrong people” in my life or kept them around longer than I should. And I don’t mean wrong as there is something bad about them in general, just something bad about them regarding my own happiness. And I guess that is the best way to sum up my “filter.” If you can’t provide me a certain amount of happiness and fulfillment, I filter you out; otherwise, I breathe you in!
12 thoughts on “239. Filters: As you sow, so shall you reap”
Methinks moments of reflection – or stopping the ride and getting off for a moment to assess things – is a good thing and something we should do so that we can take out the garbage our minds accumulates over time and check our filters to see if they need to be changed, refreshed or even improved.
I found it interesting that, as a former guidance counselor, you began to feel a need to fix more than merely guide; I smiled to ourselves because, as a man, women (in particular) don’t always need us to fix something but that’s how we’re geared to behave – sometimes, all we should do is listen and guide and not be the solution. And if examining your filters pointed this out to you, that’s a good thing because doing this – reflecting – is an excellent way to determine if what you’re doing is still aligned with what you want to do and all that good stuff.
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What you pointed out has indeed crossed my mind about how I slowly went from “listen and guide” to “tell and fixer” and how these are common stereotypes for women (listen/guide) and men (tell/fix). For me, I think I was becoming impatient, especially with those who didn’t want to help themselves. Thus, I think I compensated by thinking that if perhaps I stepped up my guidance (become more demanding, more dictating what they should do versus guiding) that somehow I could get to the results faster. Of course, it didn’t work for them, and it wasn’t fulfilling for me. And this attitude I took on seeped into other parts of my life as I began to get more and more controlled. DD changed all that!
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One of my own filters I check is, as a mentor to bisexuals, I must be able to be objective and to suggest and guide someone in the direction they want to go in… but to not get impatient or overlay my own thoughts and tell them what to do and all that. It’s a bad habit that I make sure is properly filtered.
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Great reflections! Would love to hear more about your meditations. I’ve always wanted to meditate but have yet to find a resource that could help me to truly learn how…I just can’t seem to quiet my mind. How did you get started?
Thank you. I started by going on line and reading. In some ways it was like when I first started reading about DD – lot’s of info. And, like DD, the key is to find what connects to you and not worry about doing it the “right” way. Just get started. And the advice someone at yoga gave me was the best advice I have come across. “Just take a seat, give all your attention to your breathing, and when your attention wanders, return to your breathing — follow your breaths, in and out.” That’s it. And for me, I imagine “becoming my breaths.” Visualizing “being the air” as it goes in my body, and goes out. It got me at least 80% of the way of blocking out noise and reaching a meditative state. Practice will help with the remaining 20%. But if are trying to “perfection” to start with, you’ll never get started. So follow those easy steps and you’ll be on your way. Good luck!
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Thank you so much, ddjenny! I will take this advice to heart and give it another try. Currently reading Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza…only a couple of chapters in but meditation has already been referenced a few times. Thank you for the advice!
An interesting post. I suppose we all have filters. I do tend to try and avoid negative people. I do try and cultivate friendships with people who have qualities I value. So my filters are likely similar to yours.
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