205. In Praise of my Dominant

My selected image evoked thoughts of a gentle man, (not just a gentleman), self-assured, confident, nothing to prove.  In other words, the perfect Dominant. 

I ended my last post with this thought – Does Mike ever need a break or help with getting back into a Dominant headspace? 

It made me realize I haven’t expressed enough about how fortunate I am that Mike has taken his Dom role willingly and seriously.  I think at times I take him for granted and just assume since I want to be submissive, of course Mike will be Dominant.

I’ve written before that it is so important for a submissive to give thanks to their Dom. (Post 158. Tips & my Golden Rule of DD).  I don’t think I’ve done enough of that.  This post is dedicated to him and how grateful I am to have him as my husband as well as have him as a Dom and all the roles that come with that.

If you want to read a bit about Mike’s perspectives on our journey, visit Post 74. Interview with Sir.  I had thought about another Q&A but his answers haven’t changed and I couldn’t think of other interesting questions – open to suggestions if you have any.

Here are some of the things for which I am thankful for Mike:

MIKE THE LISTENER
Mike has always been a great listener.  On paper, I should be one as well.  I do have a counseling background after all.  But I basically “played” a good listener for work.  In reality, Mike was the one who mastered listening as a way of life.  I believe that is why he has made such a great Dominant.

I think most people assume that as a Dom he simply imposes his will.  In fact, since adopting DD he is MORE likely to ask for and incorporate my feedback in his decisions.  This is because he knows he has final authority and he takes that power seriously and responsibly.  I believe when you accept the full responsibility of making decisions, you also are accepting full responsibility in the outcome.  Therefore, you want to make the best decisions possible.  To do that, it helps to have input from others, namely your spouse.

Frankly, in this context of “Listener” I don’t like the term Dominant as it is misleading.  It is more about him being a great Head of Household (HOH).  An HOH is more than just a disciplinarian.  They are the “Decider” for the family.

MIKE THE DECIDER
While Mike is the ultimate decision maker in the family, he doesn’t do it in a dictatorial “I am in charge” attitude.  He often  collaborates with me on many issues, weighing my input as he sees fit.

Pre-DD, there would be instant friction if my opinions were contrary to his (often it was because I would refuse to budge, but we won’t go there for now).  Not that we would always argue, but even in a civil discussion there was this undertone of a battle of wills – this point-counter point discussion on who could justify their position the best, or who would give in first.  There is none of that with DD.  He gets the final say.   

The result is, I believe the quality of our household decision making has improved with the “naming” of a clear Head of Household.  Quality being defined as timeliness, effectiveness, and ability to maintain household tranquility.  And this could not have happened if Mike was domineering, versus Dominant.

DOMINEERING VERSUS DOMINANT
I believe a challenge for some couples attempting to adopt a DD lifestyle is to understand the difference between Domineering and Dominant.  The former will likely lead to a very unhappy DD life.  Here are some differences as I see it:

• Domineering:  Arrogant, defensive, childish, threatens, loud, angry, arbitrary, overbearing, subjugate others.
• Dominant:  Confident, has nothing to prove, child-like, comforts, subtle, controlled, thoughtful, inspirational, elevate others.

It is so easy to confuse these two terms.  If you are not submissive, you likely see Dominant behavior as domineering.  If you are, then you the know the difference.
It is exactly the reason I once thought John was a complete ass.  Before I was submissive — before I knew anything about Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/submissive relationship – I saw John’s confidence and influence over Donna as domineering.  I often told Mike I thought he was a jerk.  Today, I see him as a very competent Dominant (but not as competent as Mike – I am a bit biased, but take my word for it).

MIKE THE DISCIPLINARIAN
I believe many people assume discipline is all there is to being a Dom.  It is an important role, but without Mike the Listener and Mike the Decider, Mike the Disciplinarian would be, well, just a dick.   Because Mike puts so much thought into what I need, there is always thought put into the discipline as well.  In simple terms, I feel the “punishment fits the crime” when it comes to the discipline he consistently gives.

This doesn’t mean I always agree with every detail of every punishment – nor does it even mean I always agree with detail of every decision or action he takes.  But “agreement” is different from “acceptance.”   I always accept his decisions, whether about discipline or other matters.  (I wrote about Agreement vs Acceptance in Post 55).

I don’t want to repeat myself (any more than I may already have).  Read Post 160 for more about all the attributes that make Mike the best Dom in the world for me!

IS DD EASY FOR MIKE?
I think people automatically assume the sub has the hardest transition to make when adopting this lifestyle.  I agree the sub probably has more emotional and physical challenges to overcome, but in my case, since I instigated our jump into DD, I believe I had more personal drive and motivation.  I really wanted this.  Mike was basically accommodating the crazy ideas of his wife, thus had motivations that may not have been as strong as mine.  In other words, I was committed to DD, he was committed to me.  Humm…so does that really mean it was “easier” for me? 

So does he everfeel he needs a break?  I asked him.  He said no, at least not in some time.  He said early on there were times he was worried about his performance as a Dom.  He hasn’t felt that in a long time.  He said he is energized, he is amazed, he is thrilled, he is, as he put it, “on top of the world.”   He feels his life is almost “too good to be true.” 

His concerns now are more about messing up this good thing.  But, not in a “worry” sort of way.  He likened it to his role as a leader at work.  He thinks a lot about potential problems and how to avoid them.  The difference between thinking and worry is simply confidence and competence.  He feels very confident and competent in his role as my Dom and as Kayla’s.  Thinking about potential pitfalls is just good leadership.

In his mind, the biggest potential pitfall is that he would become domineering – basically, he would allow the power I have given him to corrupt him.  He says the biggest help in feeling that he has not “gone there” re domineering is the great communication and feedback, especially in our Maintenance Sessions, and the thanks both Kayla and I bestow on him.  See – I told you thanks was important re  my Golden Rule of DD.

WHAT ELSE DOES HE THINK ABOUT?
Other than letting the power get to his head, Mike said it isn’t much different than how he approaches his work.  “I think about what I don’t know.  Is there something I am missing?  Is there something I could be doing so that I understand and know more – about my people, about my industry, about processes, about trends, about technology?   In our DD, it is about understanding and knowing more about you and Kayla.  Then it’s about understanding submissives and formulating ways I can best meet your needs.”

What an amazing statement.  Mike said he focuses on “understanding submissives.”
You would think most Dominants would immediately want to understand Dominants and dominance.  Mike’s approach is to first understand me (and Kayla), then understand submissives, all for the purpose of better meeting our needs.  Wow, that doesn’t sound like a traditional Dominant.  Maybe it is. ?!?  

In my view, the fact that being a Dom was contrary to Mike’s default demeanor is exactly why he is such a great Dom.  His overriding motivation isn’t a motivation to be a Dominant, it is a motivation of being committed to my submission.  Huge difference! 

What makes him the best Dominant ever is that he is the best Dominant for me – and speaking for Kayla, I believe the best Dom for her as well.  I’ve said it before, the best Dom is the one that works best for the submissive.  In our case, that is most definitely Mike.  I understand that he could be a complete failure as a Dom to some other sub whose needs differ.  However, something tells me Mike is the kind of guy that would adjust to whatever worked best for any submissive.

I am so so lucky to have him as a husband, especially given my needs for submission.  I must never take him for granted.   This is why the behavior I showed in Post 201  bothers me so much.  He deserves better from me.  Throughout 25 years of marriage and almost three amazing years of DD he has always shown nothing but loving intentions towards me.  It sickens me that I still find opportunities to doubt him.

I’ve spent a lot of the last week in therapy.  Self-therapy that is.  A lot of reflection and soul searching.  In so doing I made a break through that I believe will forever eliminate my predisposition to jump to conclusions that Mike’s motivations are anything except loving.  I’ve jumped to those conclusions in error far too many times in our marriage, including the years using DD.  Mike deserves better from me.  He will get what he deserves.

Mike, I love you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you!  Endless kisses, hugs, licks, sucks, and more.  Much more!!

NEXT: Post 206. Embrace the Stillness