I am a bundle of nerves. I’ve been very emotional the last few days and quick to tears. It’s a good cry, but represents the deep and conflicting emotions I am feeling.
The best analogy I can think of is the feeling I had when I graduated high school. I feel a high degree of eagerness, offset by the same high degree of apprehension. Further, I feel a great deal of happiness, offset by a great deal of sadness. In graduating high school I was eager to get my life moving forward, but it was also apprehensive over what was next. I also had a great deal of happiness in achieving this milestone and going on to college, but also sadness in knowing I’ll never have all of what and who I left behind.
It all hit me out of the blue. I was practicing my new Mantra’s and pretty much had them memorized and I wanted to practice in front of Mike for the first time. I went through the Morning Mantra and got through it fine, but as soon as I was done, I started crying. Not just a sniffle and tear, but a full on cry.
The words were just so profound and powerful. I felt this cascade of positive feelings that were warm, loving, safe, secure. Feelings I felt before, but never with such intensity. And there was this cascade of more solemn feelings such as the apprehension and sadness.
The sadness was in part for saying “good bye” to my former self. Not in a “oh, I can’t let you go” type sadness, but more like that high school graduation sadness of saying goodbye to friends you won’t see anymore. You know you really can see them again if you want to, but you also know that you really don’t want to. Make sense?
It may help to break down each feeling. Even if not interesting to you, it will help me.
Eager: I feel a deep longing and a huge sense of dedication. I feel there is this part of me that I was never sure what it was or if it even existed, only that I’ve been searching for it a very long time. Now, there it is, right in front of me. I am fulfilled by it’s presence and eager to embrace it. As much as I may try to reign in my expectations, they can not be corralled and they run wild.
Apprehension: I feel an uneasiness fueled by uncertainty and by the enormity of my eagerness. The higher my expectations, the further there is to fall if those expectations were unrealistic. I so much want to be the submissive I have agreed to be and I know over time I will master my new Duties and Obligations, but what of the meantime? It’s reasonable to expect that as I learn, I’ll fail at times. I’ve understood that and reconciled that fact many times before. But this time? Right now, the thought of disappointing Mike and myself is just too much to even think about.
Happiness: I feel happiness on many levels. From the joy I get in serving Mike, to the profound pleasure I get in deeply submitting to him. That pleasure is so great that literally I am on the edge of orgasm most of the day. I had to ask Mike for permission to masturbate today and luckily he said yes. It took me about five minutes. He talked to me afterwards and asked me about it and I said I was still turned on. He allowed me to masturbate one more time and said that would be it for a few days. I enjoyed what was again about another five minutes, maybe seven. Suffice to say, I am very turned on right now.
Sadness: This is a bit harder for me to fully connect with. It sounds odd and illogical, as emotions often are, but I feel sad for not recognizing sooner the fulfillment our dynamic gives me. I can rationalize that I wasn’t ready for any version of DD until we actually adopted it. But it still makes me sad that I wasn’t ready for it sooner. Sad that Mike had to live with and experience the sub-optimal Jennifer for so many years. And to be honest, there is also a tinge of sadness for what I am leaving behind regarding many controls of my day to day living. As a former control freak…ahem, is there really such a thing? I think once a control freak, always a control freak Okay, as a RECOVERING control freak who has learned to find pleasure in not having control, there is still a part of me that mourns the loss of control. Even though I love my submission more than I love any control, that need for control is rooted in my upbringing and what I interpreted my mom to mean by “love life, every moment, every day.”
I wrote about this many times so no need to “go there” again (Most notably in Post 120). Suffice to say, I still consider myself a feminist. The difference is that I no longer believe in the precept of equality that pre-DD Jenny had. Pre-DD Jenny would advocate that women needed to assert and claim their equality else they would never achieve it. I now believe our equality is about choice, and we can choose to assert and claim it, or not.
Equality is not about sameness. Mike and I are not the same. But we are equal in so much as 1 plus 1 equals 2 (or more precisely, Mike + Jen = 1). We can not be one without the other and we are equal in what makes us one.
Equality is about having access to the same opportunities, whether or not I choose to claim that opportunity. If a woman wants the opportunity to lead, inside the home or out, so be it. If a woman wants the opportunity to be submissive, so be it. If a woman wants something in-between, so be it. You just need surround yourself with those that allow you to be you. I have chosen to be submissive to Mike, and am fortunate that he has accepted me as his submissive, just as he accepted me when I was anything but submissive. Okay, I guess I “went there” again. Can’t help it.
Enough of this. Say, want to hear about a spanking? Maybe next time. It was (or at least should be) the last spanking under our 2.0 Contract. We are doing our Signing Ceremony tonight, so technically the new terms are not yet in place. As long as I behave from now until then, the spanking I am thinking of sharing would be the last under our prior contract.