164. Reflecting on Behavior & Punishment

164

I am overdue on this post.  I’ve been a busy bee lately.  I helped my sister with a move – they are moving to a new house (still in town) – packing, sorting, stuff like that.  And I took on some home improvement projects — painting, redecorating.  Busy, busy!

So…the last punishment I shared.  Yeah, that was a doozy.  First off, based on some of the comments I received (both from my blog and from Kayla) I want to address any perception that my attitude was flippant.  I didn’t intend for it to come across that way because I assure you, it was not.  

REFLECTING ON MY ACTIONS
As far as my disobedience goes, I don’t take pride in it.  I wish I had not behaved that way.  But it did, and I accept the consequences.  I recall exactly what I was feeling in that moment of defiance.  I won’t lie, there was a brief moment that the defiance felt good, but it didn’t last.

When Kayla ordered tea for herself, I recall thinking about the absurdity of my lifestyle.  I thought, “I am not a child.  I can make choices for myself.  I can choose to indulge how and when I want.  I deserve to make those choices.  I deserve those indulgences.”  So I ordered the tea and it felt good to do so!

At least for a moment.  When the tea was served and I took my first sip, I quickly started coming to my submissive senses.  Yes, some of the activities and restrictions of D/s may seem absurd to the uninitiated, but they serve a purpose for me – a purpose I value, a purpose I cherish, and a purpose I want to honor.  After just a few sips I recommitted myself to honoring that purpose.

That is why I appeared flippant about the consequences.  I expected them to be severe, and part of me wanted them to be.  Anything short of severe would dishonor what this lifestyle has given me as well as diminish the commitments I made to myself and to Mike.   I immediately accepted whatever consequences were to come.  It wasn’t that I was flippant.  It was that I did not have any doubts, insecurities, fear or anxieties . Absent any of these strong emotions, then yes, I can see why I came across as nonchalant.

In the past I would have analyzed to death my feelings and motivations and what they meant regarding my future with DD.  I am not knocking such self analyzing – it is very important –  but, I realize much of its’ importance stems from trying to make sense of an uncertain situation or resolve a sense of insecurity.  In this case, I didn’t feel a need for such reflection as I am neither uncertain or insecure about where I am at and where I am going with our DD.  It is simply a part of me and my relationship with Mike – I realized that I am past having any doubts about Domestic Discipline.

That does not mean I don’t have limits or don’t have needs that need to be nourished. I am sure there will be minor course corrections here and there, whether it is in regards to my behaviors and duties, or in regards to Mike’s role as Dom.   However, such things are no longer about whether DD is working or is right for us.   I guess to try to put it yet another way – I am more confident in my incompetence.   It is this conscious incompetence that gives me strength, which may be perceived as flippant.  

REFLECTING ON MY PUNISHMENT
I felt it was appropriate, but admit I am not fond of the pee-stuff.  I blame Kayla (half-jokingly) for this even being a “thing” in Mike’s punishment arsenal.   It started with the last immersion when Kayla discovered she really enjoys it.  She feels it is her ultimate submissive act.  Hey, to each his (or her) own. 

I didn’t have it as a hard limit on purpose.  For one I felt Mike would never go there and I guess part of me figured if he did, I was willing to give it a try.  I am considering adding it as a hard limit, but I am hesitating.  Part of me says that Mike should have something  I find distasteful (literally and figuratively) to use sparingly if my behavior is egregious.  It certainly serves as a major deterrent for me – more so than a spanking.   We shall see.  Contract renegotiation time is right around the corner!     

NEXT: 165:  Boundaries: Juggling Flaming Machetes

11 thoughts on “164. Reflecting on Behavior & Punishment”

  1. “When Kayla ordered tea for herself, I recall thinking about the absurdity of my lifestyle. I thought, “I am not a child. I can make choices for myself. I can choose to indulge how and when I want. I deserve to make those choices. I deserve those indulgences.” So I ordered the tea and it felt good to do so!”

    This stood out to me, not only because it’s true but in that this DD thing requires you to give up these rights… or face the consequences and, as I’ve been reading, you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t and despite being one of the uninitiated, if you don’t have any hard limits set, perhaps you need to have them in place… but I wonder if you bring this up at the next contract negotiation, you’re gonna be punished for it…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can bring this, and anything up, at the contract renegotiation. You can read about the renegotiation process in my contract (you can find a link in my About section. The short of it – all rules are suspended during the negotiation sessions. I am curious about your comment as I don’t feel I have ever been in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.” Why do you feel this was such a situation? And lastly, yes, as we have evolved to having more strict punishments with more BDSM overtones, it is more important then ever to clearly states some hard limits.

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      1. It just seems to me that you tend to get punished for doing the “right” and “wrong” things, which honestly makes me admire you and your dedication to this because you know that whenever you’re being not exactly submissive, you know the punishment is coming but stand by your decision at the time. You’re teaching me a lot of very interesting things

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        1. I find your comments very interesting. I gotta know – when do you think I’ve been punished for doing the “right” thing? Keep in mind, doing the wrong thing and realizing it…while better than not realizing it…doesn’t make the thing “right”. Atonement for my transgression is not simply realizing it, but accepting the consequences as determined by Mike.

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          1. How was the tea thing a damned if I do disobey, damned if I don’t disobey? I disobeyed. Sure it could have been more egregious, which can be a mitigating factor for Mike to consider if he chooses, but it doesn’t change the fact that I disobeyed.

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  2. I have to admit something here. Well I don’t HAVE ago but I want to lol. When I first started out in D/s pee was a hard limit for me. As I read thorough your blog (yes I’ve read all 163 posts by the way!) somehow it had an effect on me.m, so to my interactions with other subs/slaves and reading other blogs. So what was once a hard limit for me bad moved first to a soft limit, and now no limit at all. Now if he wanted to pee on me Worher because it made him happy or as a punishment, there would be no negotiation, I would allow it. Drinking it….. ok maybe that’s still on my soft limit list! Lol I don’t think he ever will use pee though, but I’m also learning to never say never once you entered this lifestyle!
    Thanks for being so open with your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! Thank u for sharing and for the kind words. It warms my heart to hear that sharing my journeys play a part, however small, in influencing others. Not that my goal is to encourage pee-play, but it is to encourage experimenting and adventure, whatever form it takes.

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