In two months our Contract is up for renegotiation and will mark two and half years of Domestic Discipline. As I start to think about the changes I want in the contract, it makes me reflect on my journey thus far. I haven’t had a good esoteric ramble in a while. Not sure this will qualify, but here it goes.
MY MIND IS QUIET
I haven’t posted much lately (although, hey, this makes three in two days!). While true it was due in part to our summer household schedule, I believe a lot of it also has to do with the fact my mind is quiet. I read through my prior posts and at times I can see where I was struggling to reconcile my need for submission with the way I was raised. As I made breakthroughs towards that reconciliation, I posted. As I did something that surprised me, I posted. As I learned something about myself, I posted. As I became more and more confident in my submission, I posted.
Now, I feel reconciled. As I shared in Post 154, I feel triumphant.
It seems that it just suddenly happened. Less than two months ago I felt I was struggling, and now, nothing. No struggle. It’s easy. I could say it was like a switch went off, but really it is more like how you fall a tree. We credit the last swing and suddenly it falls, but the last swing was no more important than the first. Each post was like a swing, and now here I am, elated and content with my level of submission to my husband.
I also recognize something in my older posts – insecurity. I was insecure, unsure of myself, uncertain I could fully realize my hopes in my role and purpose in my family. That insecurity was due in part to having some unrealistic expectations of this unattainable Utopian ideal in my head. When I finally shed myself of the expectation of perfection in submissiveness, I suddenly found the perfect level of submission for me.
CONTENTMENT AND CONFIDENCE
Not to say this is some final destination. Needs can ebb and flow. Mike’s needs, my families needs, and my needs, are not a constant. Learning and evolving in life never ends. I now face that learning with a level of combined contentment and confidence that I’ve never had before.
I am not stating that I am a perfect submissive. I do make mistakes and I do get spanked. It’s not about achieving a level of perfection. It’s about achieving a level of contentment and confidence. A mistake is not a failure, it is just an acknowledgement that I can always serve Mike better and with even greater consistency. It’s like when you trip over something. You don’t give up walking. You just get up and get back at it.
As I read through my older posts, and read blogs from those who are new to DD, I think about what words of wisdom I would want to share with my past self and the current newbies. I think it is simply that you have to find your own way. This is such a wonderful but strange and complicated dynamic that there is no secret formula. But my formula was simply not to be afraid to make myself completely vulnerable to Mike, both emotionally and physically. And above all, communicate, communicate, communicate. And communicate isn’t just talking, it is listening. And communicating is not just exchanging dialogue. It is exchanging emotions, desires, and fears — that required vulnerability from both me and Mike.
I’ve been fortunate to have a great partner in Mike. He deserves more credit than I could possibly articulate, so I won’t even attempt it. It would fall short of properly conveying all that he has done and what he means to me.
So now I have to start thinking about what a new Contract should look like. I still like the idea of a written contract as it serves as our testament to what DD means to us and what we mean to each other. We could simply renew the old one, but that would fail to recognize the many changes in our dynamic and would be the easy way out. No, we need to codify our progress, our continued hopes and desires, and maintain some guard rails towards the road ahead. A road filled with even more discovery and adventure. This time the traveler on that road is no longer yearning for discovery and adventure. Instead, she is just enjoying it as it comes and appreciating every bit of it.
WHERE’S THE SPANK?
Okay, enough of this fluff. You want a severe spanking story? Perhaps read about a good mouth soaping incident? Or exactly what has Mike been doing with the enema kit? And what’s up with John and Donna? You know you want to read about it! Maybe next time you pervs!