My last post talked about my little spiral towards a self-pity party. The trigger for this self-absorbed unhappiness was the challenges I was having in maintaining a submissive mindset. Those frustrations with myself leached into frustrations towards others (such as Mike and Kayla). This led me to my discussion with Mike that I shared in that last post.
Before I get into how that discussion went, I want to give kudos to my man! Mike is such a great listener and the perfect Dom for this submissive! Kisses!!
After venting, I said I think I should give up trying to shape my thoughts to be more submissive. I felt I just am not cut out to think that way and it is too hard to undo a lifetime of reinforced behaviors that were far from submissive. I’ve conquered being submissive in my actions, and it has brought me great joy, but I can’t seem to keep my default thinking, my reflexes, from being non-submissive. I told him I wanted to scrap the “think submissively” goal I had.
HOW CAN I HELP?
After sharing my frustrations, Mike asked, “Is that it, or is there some way I can help you?”
My answer? I wasn’t sure. Just like the “nail” video I linked to in my prior post, I think I just wanted to be heard and vent. And it seemed simple that just reverting back to our “normal” D/s routine would fix it.
Mike agreed it was good for me to vent. But, he said that abandoning this “submissive thinking thing” could be a missed opportunity to get at the root of my challenge. This could mean the issue is still there, unresolved, and can fester. I admitted it was impacting how I treated others. As he put it, I owed it to everyone, including myself, to find resolution. He asked me if simply venting and abandoning this goal was enough to resolve whatever I was feeling.
I admitted that it would not. It sure would “take the nail out,” but, it wouldn’t identify why I struggled with it in.
I WONDER IF?
I told Mike I’ve done the soul-searching and can’t identify why I am feeling and reacting the way that I am. Mike said, “Do you think giving up is better than continuing the search?” No, I do not.
Mike then said, “I wonder if your frustration is really about your doubts of whether or not you really want to go “deeper” with your submission. It might be, but let’s assume for a moment it isn’t that. Let’s assume just the opposite. That it is what you really want. Then why the frustration?”
I said, “Because it is harder than I thought it would be.”
He replied, “So, I wonder if it were easy, you would want it, but because it is hard, you don’t?”
I had to admit that yes, I wanted it if it were easy. Yes, I still wanted to think more submissively. His response was, “Then why stop?”
I then went back in to the litany of things I listed on my prior post. It would be easier if this, easier if that, etc., etc. If those things didn’t exist, it would be easier, but because those things exist, it will never be easy, so why keep being frustrated? I especially pointed out the things with our son. His needs have been especially high, although they did just recently settle into routine again.
Mike pointed out that the needs of our son are often a trigger for me. A trigger into frustration over other aspects of life. I know where he was going as we have had this conversation before. I figured it out myself long ago. When J’s needs increase, my stress increases. As my stress increases, I vent it by being more controlling and demanding of others. I then see others as obstacles to my happiness, and passive-aggressive tendencies emerge, jealousy emerges, and basically, the pity party is in full swing.
I told him that I get all that. Been there, done that, too many times in my life. I told him that because my attempts at “thinking submissively” were not going well, yes, it caused this spiral. But I just want off the spiral – Now – and not incrementally over time as I improve towards my desired thinking. I told him perhaps we just revisit this in a few months.
What Truly Matters?
Mike then said, “You have said many times that what truly matters to you is to be submissive to me. You’ve said that your greatest enjoyment and pleasure has come from when I do things off script (the things not explicitly stated in our Contract). You admitted just now that you want to think more submissively and your only reason for abandoning this is that it is ‘too hard.’ So here is what we are going to do.”
He continued, “You are to no longer punish Kayla. It is understandable that having to be part-Dom at times would make it hard to stay in a submissive mindset.”
“Secondly,” he added, “our mini-Maintenance Thursdays will change. You will journal all your non-submissive thoughts and we will review and discuss them on Thursdays. The Thursday maintenance will always be the same. 5 with the prison strap, 5 with the cane, hard intensity, followed by 30 minutes sitting in the corner for reflection. There will not be any other punishments for ‘not thinking submissively.’ We will continue these mini-sessions until I am satisfied you have reached your goal.
“Lastly, there will be no further discussion about this for a month. You can bring it up at a Maintenance Session in a month if you have questions or concerns. Oh, and one more thing, we will end today’s session with 10 hard from the strap and 10 hard with the cane.”
That’s a hard ending to a Maintenance Session as most sessions have low to moderate spankings. I didn’t question why he did that, nor do I care. He was right, my greatest enjoyment and pleasure comes from him being Dominant in his own way, separate from anything we specifically outlined in our Contract.
I am only one day removed from this, so don’t have the benefit of much thinking about this. Part of me absolutely loved Mike’s actions, but part of me still wonders if this “submissive thinking” is a worthwhile goal. Knowing that basically there is no punishments involved, other than what is scheduled for Thursdays, helps relieve a little bit of the pressure I feel. — That statement may be easy to misconstrue. The pain of a spanking doesn’t create pressure for me to perform. Actually, the pain is very much a release, sort of absolution, for me. It is about what the spanking represents… failure…and not about the pain… that serves as a deterrent.
This experience highlights for me that my pre-DD ways are not far from the surface. I can quickly devolve into my control-freak ways if I allow it. Well, let me correct myself. Now I can say, “if Mike allows it.” Which apparently he won’t, as my bruised butt attests!