147. Submissive Roller Coaster

147

I thought about what a graph would look like if I plotted my emotional state since adopting Domestic Discipline in early 2015.  On the left of the graph would be negative thoughts that deal with feelings of uneasiness and lack of fulfillment.  To the right would be happy thoughts dealing with confidence and satisfaction.  My graph would be trend very sharply upwards and to the right.

But growth in life is rarely a straight line up. Life plots out more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs. . . and it’s share of loops!  And if we are fortunate, when it is time to get off, we reflect fondly on the highs and have few, if any, regrets. 

After about 27 months of sharply going up and up and up, I’ve hit a bit of a downward trend.  I am confident I will reverse this through my usual positive self-reflective habits. But, I am not there yet. So what’s my funk about?

I’ve shared that lately I’ve been punished more so than usual – prompted by my own request of Mike.  I asked him to help me in subduing my non-submissive thoughts.  I want a greater level of submission.  I do not just want to just act submissively, I want to think more submissively.   This has been much tougher than I thought it was going to be.

I’ve shared some examples with you on prior posts. Here’s another recent one — I was talking to Mike about something to do with John and Donna and I said, “Well, let’s see what they think.” Mike punished me for my statement saying that I am fully aware of John and Donna’s dynamic and should have phrased it as, “Let’s see what John thinks.”

With each “mistake” in my thinking, I go deeper into over thinking.  Over thinking ways to not think in nonsubmissive ways.  Wow, that’s a mouthful to say, let alone do.  That heavy focus on my intentions has caused me to perform poorly (flash back to Post 30. I found my thrill).  Not only have there been numerous punishments for not thinking submissive, but I am getting in trouble for other things too.  

Ha!  That makes me smile.  I’ve never framed it before as “getting in trouble.”  That seems like a wrong way to state it, but, hey, the shoe fits!  

I’ve misplaced something – spanked, forgot to pick up a needed item at the store – spanked, left a mess – spanked, etc., etc.,   The more I concentrate, the more I Transgress.  It has even impacted my demeanor and the result?  I was punished for my “displeasing disposition” in response to something Mike said.  Adding to this has been an increasing sense of irritability.  Case in point – I had a dentist appointment this week (yea, no cavities!), and my appointment was a 9 a.m.  I arrived a few minutes early.  9:20 still waiting, 9:30, still waiting.  At 9:35 they finally attended to me.  

This is enough for anyone to be displeased or annoyed, but I was very upset by this – that is not normal for me.  My thoughts were, “I’ve got things to do and they are being disrespectful of my time.  I would be spanked for showing such disrespect.  How dare they be so flippant about it.”  

Suffice to say I’ve been troubled lately – moody, unfocused, and basically just out of sorts. 

TALKING WITH MIKE
I shared my feelings with Mike in my last Maintenance Session. Mike is a great active listener, even with his new Bachelors of Dominance (ha!).  People may view such compassionate listening as un-Dom like, but I believe it goes to the core of being a good Dom.  I also know such listening skills tend to be uncommon in men in general, and perhaps even more so in Doms. 

Here’s some quick comic relief. It made me think of something funny I came across before and was able to find again. Check this out – It’s Not About the Nail  It makes light of the generalization I just made about how men and women respond when the woman is in need.  Back to my story – 

Mike was able to help me identify the source of my uneasiness – I’ll get back to that in a moment. I first want to state that I give a lot of credit to my DD with how Mike is able to help me, even with things that have nothing to do with discipline.  While he has always been a good listener, pre-DD I rarely shared “problems” with him.  I wanted to be self-sufficient (remember, I had it all together!), and given my counseling background, I felt I shouldn’t have to go to Mike for counsel.  I was the “fixer” (much like the man stereotyped in the “Nail” video).  I  looked to solve my own problems, plus everyone else’s.  My DD requires that I share my feelings and it provides the structure in which to do so where I am comfortable and receptive to Mike’s feedback or guidance. 

So, what’s the source of my uneasiness?  Well. . . getting there is a bit like pealing an onion, one layer at a time.  While each layer is valid, they aren’t the core of the issue so you have to keep peeling.  So here were some of the layers that Mike was able to help me recognize:

  • My growing frustration with my failure to quickly master the new “skills” I desire.
  • That frustration leads me to doubt whether I truly desire this.  Maybe my subconscious is at fault for my failure, as a way of telling me I really don’t want this. 
  • Those doubts lead to other doubts about submission in general, and DD in general.
  • I see Kayla, a sub-newcomer, and half my age, (ahem, okay, a little more than half), quickly internalize the thinking I am striving for? Or at least think I am striving for.
  • I begin to view Kayla’s submissiveness towards me as interfering with my submissive mindset. How can a keep my thoughts submissive when there are times I discipline or have to direct Kayla?   If only Kayla didn’t need me and if only I didn’t feel compelled to help her that way.
  • If I really did fool myself into thinking I want this (deep submissive thinking), how did I let that happen? Do I feel in competition with Kayla, who gets enjoyment from a deeper level of submission than I do?  Did I tell myself, “Well, I can do that too, thus, I want that too.” Even though I really didn’t want it?
  • As I ponder that, I then start projecting my anxiety onto Kayla. I start interpreting her unique needs as somehow selfish of her (as if my unique needs are not selfish). Why did Mike do such-and-such with her? Why does she get to do that?  Why does she get such “special” attention?  I have been a bit intolerant of Kayla lately.  Not very nice. More in a passive-aggressive sort of way, but clearly, not nice.  
  • Sure, I asked for Mike to be strict.  I also asked him to focus on not just my behaviors, but my thinking.  Damn, does he have to do it so well?  Come on, give a submissive a break! He has got to be running out of creative ways to punish me. I am sure running low on wanting to tolerate those punishments.

SUMMER ROUTINE = LESS SUBMISSION
Adding to my mixed soup of emotions is the fact that transition from school to summertime means increased anxiety with J, and thus increased stress on me and the household in general.  

I’ve shared some things before about J’s special needs.  He always has a hard time transitioning, even just from day-to-day activities, but especially with big changes in his routine.  Back to school and the start of summer both mark big changes in his routine.  His already heightened anxiety is off the charts.  

We work hard to immediately go into a structured summer routine that resembles past summers.  This helps, as knowing in advance as to what is to come will help with his adjusting.  This also means lots of planned activities.  We do something every day – go to the park, go to a museum, go to a theme park, etc.  Primarily look for things that require him to walk as it is good exercise (for all of us) and he does better when he is kept active.  This also means a huge break in my submissive routine.  I am gone at least 2-3 hours of the day, sometimes Kayla comes with us as well.  Suffice to say, not getting my full dose of “submission” that I’d like.  That adds to my unfulfilled needs as well as serves to distract me from thinking submissively. 

So, what came of my talk with Mike?  A big spanking, that’s what!  I’ll share that on my next post.  But to be honest, it was a lot more than a spanking.  There was talking too. But still,  I didn’t post for a few days as I needed the benefit of time and further reflection to reconcile what happened.  Which I’ll write about on my next post. 

NEXT: Dom/sub Therapy Session

 

 

9 thoughts on “147. Submissive Roller Coaster”

  1. I always find your thought process to be so detailed. I won’t even hazard a guess as to what Mike determined to be the root cause of your self-whatever you want to call it, behavior of late. Certainly some of your onion layers deal with jealousy and the need to have control over everything. I did note your reaction to the late dentist appt. I agree with you, the office staff should have been spanked for disrespecting your time.

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  2. Jen, as you may have guessed, I am totally fascinated by the dynamic you and Mike have with Kayla. A three way relationship is filled with fantastic opportunities but also dangers.

    You say, <.>
    But in a DD relationship what are the alternatives? Should you and Kayla be equal somewhat like a polygamous marriage in theory at least?
    Or what if you became submissive to Kayla? That would help your submissive mindset? Would her spanking you when necessary help?
    Again I am not ready to divulge why this dynamic you have with Kayla intrigues me so much but I do have my reasons and am curious to see how it will ultimately play out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. The part of your comment that jumped out of me was “what if I submit to Kayla.” I’ve never considered it. That seems so foreign to me as the thought never crossed my mind. I am not sure how I would react to that. Interesting.
      As for your interest in poly, do tell! U r such a tease, hee hee – just kidding. Share when u r ready.
      I will say that I’ve actually scientifically mathematically calculated the impact poly has on the “risk and rewards” of a relationship. (I say that in jest, but I do believe my formula proves a point). For any relationship, RISKS are identified as basically the potential negative complications can arise. The REWARDS are identified as all the positive feelings that can arise. With a typical couple, the math to calculate the risks and reward POTENTIAL is simply 1+1=2. With poly, it is NOT simply 1+1+1=3. Instead, it is three factorial, or 1*2*3. = 6. (And of course, if a 4 person relationship, 1*2*3*4 = 24. Yes, potential for being very positive, but also for very negative. U have to work really hard but it is worth it!

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      1. Honestly I am not sure I would recommend you becoming submissive to Kayla. However it would solve your need to be totally submissive.
        Has Kayla ever spanked you at Mike’s direction? If so, how did it fell? She is the same age as your older children, No? How did Kayla react to punishing you?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yeah, it would at least keep me more vigilant in thinking submissive. Kayla has spanked me, mostly more in a playful way but a few times at Mike’s behest. It was uneventful. Honestly, the reactions both from me and her were uneventful. It was what it was. It would be different if she just up and spanked me for some infraction that she witnessed. That has never happened. But I have spanked her that way.

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  3. I wish you could have seen the look on my face when I started reading this. I mean, I understand what you’re trying to accomplish but given how much information your brain processes every day, eliminating non-submissive thoughts seems to me to be akin to jousting with windmills; you can try to do it but you’re not in total control of your thoughts, like that old thing about not thinking about purple elephants – you’re told not to think about it and you wind up doing just that… even when you’re telling yourself not to think about it.

    The other thing is that unless you can tell Mike everything that you’re thinking about at any given moment, either way, you’re setting yourself up to get punished for whatever you’re thinking… or not thinking. It also seems to me that if you tell Mike you had a non-submissive thought and it requires punishment, it’s either a win/win or a lose/lose depending on how Mike takes what you said – again, either way, you get punished.

    Kayla. Offhand, what you describe is something very familiar to me and it requires, um, non-submissive thinking to both teach and integrate Kayla into your lives as seamlessly as humanly possible… but, yup, there’s a part of you that sees Kayla as “competition” and, sure, if she can take things to the next level, you should be able to as well since you’re much more experienced than she is in this… except, you’re not Kayla. I might not know about D/s stuff… but poly relationships is something I do know about. Equality in this is almost impossible to achieve because while the people involved are on the same page about the state of the relationship, everyone has different needs that have to be addressed differently and specific to that person and that, “She’s getting more (add something here) than I am!” is a potential bomb waiting to go off.

    After twenty-plus years of being a poly husband to three different women, yeah, I know a little something about this and if I had a dollar for every time I heard “She’s getting more than I am,” I could buy that Lamborghini I’ve always wanted. There are some things in which you can treat everyone involved the same way… and many things in which you just can’t do that.

    You know I don’t know a lot about this DD thing but it seems to me that you can only strive to be the best submissive you can be while factoring in innate human nature; you’re going to think and/or do things that aren’t going to fit neatly into your domestic discipline world and I’m not sure how you (or anyone else) can achieve the goal of having zero non-submissive thoughts and it seems to me that you may be setting yourself up to fail. I’m not sure how a person can function day-to-day without having a single, non-submissive thought and more so if you’re a parent which calls for a great deal of non-submissive thinking and even more so if your child has anxiety issues or other issues.

    Actions can be controlled and/or mastered, given time and willpower and the appropriate conditioning (and I assume that you understand how conditioning works). To that end, the best conditioning is the tried and true reward/punishment system… except, for you, a good spanking can be seen as much as a reward as it is a punishment, yes?

    You can even get a bit of a grip on your conscious thoughts… but what about that sneaky subconscious that’s always doing something in the background that you don’t know about? Then I wonder if you went to Mike and told him you’ve had a change of mind about this non-submissive thing, would he tell you that it’s okay if you do the best you can do… or would he punish you for not being able to do it?

    I apologize for the length of this but while I trust that you know what you’re doing, this kinda concerns me…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow. Thanks for such a though-filled comment! I will try to address my thoughts on each of your points.
      Eliminating non-submissive thoughts is very much akin to jousting with windmills.

      My goal isn’t total elimination – but simply “thinking more submissively.” I don’t know how you measure such things, so it is a hard goal to achieve if you can’t measure it. It is sort of, “I’ll know it when I am there.” (or, if you read my latest post, I’ll know when Mike says I am there).

      The competition: I really don’t look at Kayla as competition. It was more a “in the moment” thing as my feelings were compromised due to my frustrations. I enjoy the things that Kayla gets from Mike. It is never about “sameness.” To me, equality is about getting what we each need. Since we are different people with different needs, the only way we can equally get what we need is to get different things from Mike. I cherish those differences as it makes me happy to see Mike be the Dom that she needs while also being the Dom I need.

      Punishments as rewards or truly a punishment? Valid point. But all punishments have an element of, well, of punishment to me. I don’t like what they represent, even if I am getting a bit of thrill from them. Also, non physical punishments are the worst (writing lines, standing in corner), and non-spanking punishments like tack bra, nipple/clit clamps, plugs, etc., can get extremely uncomfortable after awhile. Collectively, Mike’s full arsenal of punishments bring with them plenty of conditioning power!

      Nice foreshadowing re “What if I changed my mind…” Check my recent post!!

      No apologies necessary for the length of the post. I appreciate you taking the time sharing a bit about yourself and your thoughts on what I share. I really love having a bit of dialogue about TTWD!

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