147. Submissive Roller Coaster

I thought about what a graph would look like if I plotted my emotional state since adopting Domestic Discipline in early 2015.  On the left of the graph would be negative thoughts that deal with feelings of uneasiness and lack of fulfillment.  To the right would be happy thoughts dealing with confidence and satisfaction.  My graph would be trend very sharply upwards and to the right.

But growth in life is rarely a straight line up. Life plots out more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs. . . and it’s share of loops!  And if we are fortunate, when it is time to get off, we reflect fondly on the highs and have few, if any, regrets. 

After about 27 months of sharply going up and up and up, I’ve hit a bit of a downward trend.  I am confident I will reverse this through my usual positive self-reflective habits. But, I am not there yet. So what’s my funk about?

I’ve shared that lately I’ve been punished more so than usual – prompted by my own request of Mike.  I asked him to help me in subduing my non-submissive thoughts.  I want a greater level of submission.  I do not just want to just act submissively, I want to think more submissively.   This has been much tougher than I thought it was going to be.

I’ve shared some examples with you on prior posts. Here’s another recent one — I was talking to Mike about something to do with John and Donna and I said, “Well, let’s see what they think.” Mike punished me for my statement saying that I am fully aware of John and Donna’s dynamic and should have phrased it as, “Let’s see what John thinks.”

With each “mistake” in my thinking, I go deeper into over thinking.  Over thinking ways to not think in nonsubmissive ways.  Wow, that’s a mouthful to say, let alone do.  That heavy focus on my intentions has caused me to perform poorly (flash back to Post 30. I found my thrill).  Not only have there been numerous punishments for not thinking submissive, but I am getting in trouble for other things too.  

Ha!  That makes me smile.  I’ve never framed it before as “getting in trouble.”  That seems like a wrong way to state it, but, hey, the shoe fits!  

I’ve misplaced something – spanked, forgot to pick up a needed item at the store – spanked, left a mess – spanked, etc., etc.,   The more I concentrate, the more I Transgress.  It has even impacted my demeanor and the result?  I was punished for my “displeasing disposition” in response to something Mike said.  Adding to this has been an increasing sense of irritability.  Case in point – I had a dentist appointment this week (yea, no cavities!), and my appointment was a 9 a.m.  I arrived a few minutes early.  9:20 still waiting, 9:30, still waiting.  At 9:35 they finally attended to me.  

This is enough for anyone to be displeased or annoyed, but I was very upset by this – that is not normal for me.  My thoughts were, “I’ve got things to do and they are being disrespectful of my time.  I would be spanked for showing such disrespect.  How dare they be so flippant about it.”  

Suffice to say I’ve been troubled lately – moody, unfocused, and basically just out of sorts. 

TALKING WITH MIKE
I shared my feelings with Mike in my last Maintenance Session. Mike is a great active listener, even with his new Bachelors of Dominance (ha!).  People may view such compassionate listening as un-Dom like, but I believe it goes to the core of being a good Dom.  I also know such listening skills tend to be uncommon in men in general, and perhaps even more so in Doms. 

Here’s some quick comic relief. It made me think of something funny I came across before and was able to find again. Check this out – It’s Not About the Nail.   It makes light of the generalization I just made about how men and women respond when the woman is in need.  Back to my story – 

Mike was able to help me identify the source of my uneasiness – I’ll get back to that in a moment. I first want to state that I give a lot of credit to my DD with how Mike is able to help me, even with things that have nothing to do with discipline.  While he has always been a good listener, pre-DD I rarely shared “problems” with him.  I wanted to be self-sufficient (remember, I had it all together!), and given my counseling background, I felt I shouldn’t have to go to Mike for counsel.  I was the “fixer” (much like the man stereotyped in the “Nail” video).  I  looked to solve my own problems, plus everyone else’s.  My DD requires that I share my feelings and it provides the structure in which to do so where I am comfortable and receptive to Mike’s feedback or guidance. 

So, what’s the source of my uneasiness?  Well. . . getting there is a bit like pealing an onion, one layer at a time.  While each layer is valid, they aren’t the core of the issue so you have to keep peeling.  So here were some of the layers that Mike was able to help me recognize:

• My growing frustration with my failure to quickly master the new “skills” I desire.
• That frustration leads me to doubt whether I truly desire this.  Maybe my subconscious is at fault for my failure, as a way of telling me I really don’t want this. 
• Those doubts lead to other doubts about submission in general, and DD in general.
• I see Kayla, a sub-newcomer, and half my age, (ahem, okay, a little more than half), quickly internalize the thinking I am striving for? Or at least think I am striving for.
• I begin to view Kayla’s submissiveness towards me as interfering with my submissive mindset. How can a keep my thoughts submissive when there are times I discipline or have to direct Kayla?   If only Kayla didn’t need me and if only I didn’t feel compelled to help her that way.
• If I really did fool myself into thinking I want this (deep submissive thinking), how did I let that happen? Do I feel in competition with Kayla, who gets enjoyment from a deeper level of submission than I do?  Did I tell myself, “Well, I can do that too, thus, I want that too.” Even though I really didn’t want it?
• As I ponder that, I then start projecting my anxiety onto Kayla. I start interpreting her unique needs as somehow selfish of her (as if my unique needs are not selfish). Why did Mike do such-and-such with her? Why does she get to do that?  Why does she get such “special” attention?  I have been a bit intolerant of Kayla lately.  Not very nice. More in a passive-aggressive sort of way, but clearly, not nice.  
• Sure, I asked for Mike to be strict.  I also asked him to focus on not just my behaviors, but my thinking.  Damn, does he have to do it so well?  Come on, give a submissive a break! He has got to be running out of creative ways to punish me. I am sure running low on wanting to tolerate those punishments.

SUMMER ROUTINE = LESS SUBMISSION
Adding to my mixed soup of emotions is the fact that transition from school to summertime means increased anxiety with J, and thus increased stress on me and the household in general.  

I’ve shared some things before about J’s special needs.  He always has a hard time transitioning, even just from day-to-day activities, but especially with big changes in his routine.  Back to school and the start of summer both mark big changes in his routine.  His already heightened anxiety is off the charts.  

We work hard to immediately go into a structured summer routine that resembles past summers.  This helps, as knowing in advance as to what is to come will help with his adjusting.  This also means lots of planned activities.  We do something every day – go to the park, go to a museum, go to a theme park, etc.  Primarily look for things that require him to walk as it is good exercise (for all of us) and he does better when he is kept active.  This also means a huge break in my submissive routine.  I am gone at least 2-3 hours of the day, sometimes Kayla comes with us as well.  Suffice to say, not getting my full dose of “submission” that I’d like.  That adds to my unfulfilled needs as well as serves to distract me from thinking submissively. 

So, what came of my talk with Mike?  A big spanking, that’s what!  I’ll share that on my next post.  But to be honest, it was a lot more than a spanking.  There was talking too. But still,  I didn’t post for a few days as I needed the benefit of time and further reflection to reconcile what happened.  Which I’ll write about on my next post. 

NEXT: Dom/sub Therapy Session