It may help to read my prior post about attending the “adult” party we attended.
I mentioned that Mike seemed to be somewhat reserved regarding our sexual participation. I say somewhat, because, as shared in my prior post, we still participated in some of the sex related festivities. In addition to the activities I wrote about in that post, there were also some hand jobs that I gave and Mike enjoyed some head from one of the other ladies. Clearly we were not wall flowers, but still, I could sense Mike was a bit guarded in both what he did and what he allowed Kayla and I to do.
We talked about it afterwards. Mike said that he was “creeped out” by Rudy, which also summed up the feelings I had about him (you can read about him in my prior post). He was a bit of the alpha-male, boisterous, and aggressive both verbally and physically – and not just for topics related to sex. It was clearly his personality that is pervasive in all his interactions. He bordered on condescending, if not outright so, and he was clearly a narcissist.
He had this body language that said he was superior, not just to his sub, but to everyone else, whether dom or sub. He would quietly observe a conversation from afar, as if not even a part of it. When he finally decided to talk, he would just holler his two cents from across the room. He also wanted to make up the rules or give reasons why rules should apply differently to him and it was clear he was indignant when people just ignored his rants.
He was over the top with flattery to the women. Flirting is one thing, but the degree of flattery was embarrassingly profuse. And if his advances did not result in what he wanted, you could tell he was close to exploding. He never did, but you had this sense that there was this rage just below the surface. Lastly, just to give you a good picture of him, he provided an elaborate introduction of himself, going on and on about his accomplishments. His self-proclaimed intelligence, wealth, creativity, you name — didn’t seem to stand up to simple questions posed to him. You know, it just dawned on me, I think the best way you can picture him is to think of him a lot like Donald Trump, minus the treason and golden showers (okay, the former is a given, but the latter is just a rumor). I digress.
That was a lot to share to simply say, the guy was creepy. Mike was concerned that in the already highly sexually charged atmosphere, that this guy could be trouble, so Mike was very selective on what all of us participated in. By the way, the other couples were all fantastic and a joy to talk to, play with, and hang around.
Kayla told us she had a revelation to share. Before she said what it was, she wanted to be clear that first and foremost she was thrilled to have the opportunity to attend and very happy with the things Mike had her do. She was happy to serve Mike in that manner and doesn’t question any reasons he had regarding the things he had her do or not do. Like a good sub, she wanted to be clear that her greatest satisfaction is in submitting to whatever Mike desires, even if that means he desires her NOT to do something.
So with that preamble, she said that she also had to be honest and share with us that while she enjoyed it, she thought there would be more “debauchery.” More specifically, that she would be more “debauched.”
WORD OF THE DAY
Funny aside – I wasn’t sure debauched was actually a word. It seemed to fit, such as, “to have debauchery performed on or by you” but, it seemed like a made up word. I Googled it – sure enough, it’s a word, and exactly describes what Kayla meant. So there’s your challenge of the day. Go get yourself debauched!
BACK TO THE REVELATION
Kayla said that she made a revelation about herself as she thought through why this experience didn’t live up to her expectations. She said that clearly she loves sex, no surprise there, and she loves kink – again no surprise. But she said she really loves it, the kinkier the better. She wanted to explore sexually with everyone in the room, sans Rudy. She said she would have been happy to do anything or have anything done to her.
She said this feeling to explore like that was a bit of a surprise to her, and now she believes she knows why she had, and continues to have, those feelings. She said that she feels liberated and empowered to do things sexually IF those things are done under Mike’s discretion. In other words, she wants to do those things for herself and for what she gets out of it, but she has personal hang ups regarding what it “means” for her to do those things under her own volition. Social stigmas that have been reinforced into her says those things make her dirty, nasty, or “less than” as a person. For her, those negative feelings are replaced with positive ones when she is doing those things at Mike’s behest. As strange as it sounds, she said for her, submission is sexually liberating and empowering.
I believe that for her, being submissive is one way she can remove herself from being accountable to society for her actions. None of us should ever feel accountable to society for our sexual habits (that are appropriately legal). Kayla knows this, as I hope all women do, but while intellectualizing that thought may be easy, it can be very difficult to purge those thoughts that have been taught to us since birth. Society constantly reinforces the belief that enjoying sex and being sexually open is something that makes a man strong, virile, and admired, while it makes a woman a whore and morally corrupt.
The constant barrage of negative social cues regarding being a “slut” or that women should feel degraded if they enjoy sex, is hard to shake. For Kayla, being a submissive is one way she can “shake it” in her mind. She thinks of herself as simply being submissive, and any and everything she does is part of that submission. Thus for her, it reconciles the social stigmas that have been engrained in her such that she does not feel any negative thoughts about what she is doing. She is able to enjoy herself and feel only good and positive feelings about the experiences, free of negativity.
Kayla was apologetic in sharing her revelation, as she was concerned Mike would interpret it as her being submissive for only selfish reasons. Far from it. Mike was extremely supportive. He said it would be inappropriate for him to think that she wants to serve “just because.” He said, “Of course you get something out of it! In no way does it diminish your submission just because you have identified the root of that “something.” I hope over time you have more revelations as to why this lifestyle fulfills you. And if that journey means you discover other ways to achieve that fulfillment, then that is fine too. I don’t want for your submission, other than it is what gives you fulfillment. I want for you to be happy, and will help you in achieving and maintaining that happiness through whatever form it requires of me, Dom or otherwise.
Ahh – that was sweet of Mike, and of course was absolutely true and I echo his sentiments. Our relationship with Kayla is very much about our wanting to nurture her so she is filled with confidence in being whoever she is now or may grow to become. No shame. And if that means spanking her bottom to help her along the way, so be it! Hee hee.