128. Transforming through Journaling


Oh, Joy!  I mentioned in my last post that our DD contract is not up for another year. Actually, it renews in October of this year.  I forgot that while we started this in March of 2015, we renegotiated in October 2015 with a two-year term!  

Of course, the contract is just symbolic, but it is a power symbol.  Codifying your expectations for yourself and for your partner is such a beneficial exercise.  I would encourage every couple to do it and if DD is not your thing, instead of a DD contract, approach it as a document that serves as an affirmation of your love.  It is like wedding vows that you renew from time to time. 

This post – Journaling and a “caught naked” story:

Daily journaling is one of the duties I adopted in DD.  It is so simple for anyone to do, whether or not it is part of your kink.  I am a very self-reflective person by nature, and journaling is very powerful.  It can be meditative, healing, and uplifting to formally set aside time every day to be self reflective and do so in writing.  

Journaling allows you to go back and read what your thoughts were in a particular moment.   I find a lot of personal growth in looking back on my feelings and actions of a particular moment with the benefit of 20-20 hindsight and absent the emotional baggage that I was carrying in that moment.  This clearer vision allows me to see that moment with greater perspective, allowing me to better recognize how I may have contributed to anything negative that came from that moment.  Journaling is very powerful.

Recently I was flipping through my journals (I have filled several over the last 2+ years) and saw a common theme in my early journals which slowly faded and is absent from anything recent.  I had some self-doubt that ranged from blatant to thinly disguised in a way I only recognize it now with the benefit of hindsight.  I have sensed that my DD journey has helped me remove self-doubt, but it is interesting and fulfilling to see documented proof of that progress.

There are things I wrote about feeling that I no longer relate to – I want to go back and tell that Jenny that there was no reason to feel that way.  Of course, that Jenny wouldn’t listen because, while you can provide hope and encouragement, you can’t “tell” someone out of a feeling.

Reading my older journals reinforces my belief that life is never about what happens to you, it is about how you react to what happens to you.   Not that it is easy to always react in ways that are self affirming and loving towards others, but clearly, I can see that I wasted a lot of energy on self loathing and being overly critical of myself.  

I believe that this led to my ability to feel compersion and to lose my tendency to let in jealously. (Post 87. And there it was,  Post 88 Something True,  and Post 89. Spank Jealousy Away).  I am more self-confident in who I am as a wife, mother, lover, sister, etc.

It is odd that subjugation, which some may describe as becoming “less than,” is actually a path towards being “more than” you once were.  Definitely a psychological conundrum, but I don’t care the reasons, I only care the results — and they have been amazing.

And Kayla says it has been similar for her.  I see proof of that every day, both in what I observe and in the comments of others.  She has grown tremendously in self-confidence.
It isn’t that she lacks self doubts, but she looks at those doubts as opportunities to grow instead of a weight that keeps her down.  Her friends have asked her where the “wallflower Kayla” has gone as Kayla is more outgoing and more “in the moment” than ever before.  Her parents have even commented on seeing a transformation in her.

She also changed physically — her shaving her head and eyebrows was a shocker to friends and family — but she explained it as simply wanting to physically transform and start anew to match the transformation and newness she felt on the inside.

Hate to break the flow of my “self-reflective” theme of this post, but that leads me to a funny story I’ve got to share that sort of illustrates the change in Kayla.   

My middle son, T2,  is away at college – far enough away that trips home are rare, but close enough that they are not too challenging (four-ish hours drive).  He typically gives us a heads up he is coming home.  

One Friday afternoon about two weeks ago (prior to Kayla’s immersion) Kayla was home alone when I was out running errands, J was still at school, and Mike was at work.  Being naked is our default attire and Kayla and I don’t get dressed until it is time for me to pick up J from school.  Well, Kayla was in the kitchen when suddenly T2 and a friend of his appeared from nowhere.  Kayla didn’t hear them pull up and of course T2 just lets himself in.

I can imagine the shock on T2 and his friends face, as well as what went through Kayla’s mind, but she handled it beautifully.   She acted like she would have acted had she been clothed.  A simple, “Oh hello, T, surprised to see you.  Who is your friend?”  Of course the first thing he said was, “You’re naked!” Kayla calmly said, “Yeah, you caught me.  I was getting ready to jump in the shower and I left my phone somewhere and wanted to have it near me as I am expecting a call, so I came out to look for it.”   

She also had enough composure to consider the fact she was uncertain of the condition of her bottom.  She had a caning that morning and the stripes tend to take a while to fade.  She quickly thought of a way to handle this.  “So guys, I am sure you’ve seen boobies before.  Take a good look.” And she stood in front of them like a criminal with their hands up and legs apart.  Then she said, “Now that you’ve had your look, if you’ll be gentleman, please turn your backs as I leave the room to get to my shower.  They complied and she left the room.

The “old” Kayla could have never pulled that off.  The immediate reaction would have been embarrassment, cover herself as quickly as possible, and run and cry.  

One other little factoid – as a family we tend to talk about things that happen (non-kink of course) and this incident was no secret.  Even J got to hear the story of “T2 and his friend saw Kayla naked.”    

Turned out T’s friend needed to get home for some reason and his car was in the shop, so T offered to give him a ride.  His friend lives just one town over and T thought it would be nice to drop by to say hello.   Me, Mike, and Kayla, feel very fortunate that it happened the way it did.  It would have been much more difficult (impossible?) to explain why both mom and Kayla were naked, or having sex, or masturbating, or getting spanked, etc., Very fortunate indeed!

We asked T to give us text when he was on his way and of course, we fibbed and told him that we asked Kayla to not walk around the house naked.  In addition, T doesn’t even have a house key, he always just comes in through the garage.  We are now keeping the door from the garage to the house locked.

NEXT: 129: Vulnerability. Plus, Choose Respect or Choose Love.





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