127. About Compersion, Sex, and Change

Two posts in one day!  A few more things to catch you up on that are changes from stuff I previously shared, and then I think I will wax poetically in reflection.  Okay, probably more like a self-indulgent prosing on of my life, but whatever.  Suffice to say, I am likely gonna’ share some stuff and ramble esoterically.  

Update to Nighttime Routine
I shared before that we had a bedtime routine (108. Our “normal” evenings) where Kayla sleeps with Mike and me from Monday through Wednesday, and Mike sleeps with Kayla in her bed on Thursdays, and then with me in our bed from Friday to Sunday while Kayla sleeps alone.

We’ve changed that up.  Kayla only sleeps alone on Sunday’s, and on Monday’s she gets Mike by himself.  The rest of the week we all share the bed. And, instead of Mike going to sleep in Kayla’s bed, Kayla comes to our bed and I sleep in her bedroom by myself.

I mentioned before that originally I asked Mike to sleep in Kayla’s room on nights she had alone time with him as I wanted to stay in our bed.  My feeling at the time was that the bed represented something that was mine.  I know it sounds irrational.  Yes, sure, have sex with my husband in your room while I sleep alone in my room.  That’s totally cool!  But, you can’t have it in my room while I sleep in yours!  

I think it was an insecurity thing.  Whatever it was, Mike was agreeable and that was that, he would sleep in her room. Something eventually clicked in me where I saw the silliness of it all and told Mike that he should stay in our bed (it’s bigger and more comfortable) and Kayla and I would just swap rooms for her nights.  

I think the change for me was that a part of me felt threatened by her and that part no longer feels that way.  I look at her as part of Mike and I, and I don’t feel “less than” anytime she does something that puts her in a position of attention or special treatment from Mike, even if that attention or treatment comes at the expense of my own attention or treatment from Mike.   I love Mike and I love being with him any and all times. And I also love Kayla, and I know having one night together alone with Mike is special to her (because I get such a night myself and it is special to me).  I also know Mike enjoys it.  Ultimately, I don’t want to deny or minimize their night together by forcing it to be different, thus, I offered to sleep in her room on her nights with him.  

I get a triple dose of pleasure.  One dose is in the feeling of compersion that fills me when Mike is enjoying Kayla’s company, whether sexual or not.  The other is in that same feeling over Kayla enjoying Mike.  And the last dose is from doing something that submits to Mike’s enjoyment over mine.  

WHO HAS THE MOST SEX WITH MIKE?
Sister 2 asked me if Mike has more sex with Kayla than with me.  The answer is, he has a whole lot of sex with both of us, but overall, more with Kayla.  This shocked her and of course required an explanation for how I reconciled that in my mind.

Truth is, until she asked I hadn’t thought about it.  It simply was what it was.  It also depends on what you define as “sex.”  She certainly gives him way more head than me.  She really loves fellatio and admits to it, and she loves swallowing.  It really turns her on as she looks at it as a significant sign of submission.  She even sometimes has an orgasm while giving head – something I’ve never done.  I like giving head, she LOVES it. Of course Mike loves it too, so, why should I feel bad about letting the two of them do something they love?    

It has become sort of blasé.  I’ve walked into a room many times to find her on her knees going at it.  Or sometimes I am already in the room and Mike makes some subtle gesture to her and she promptly goes to town on him.  It can be in the middle of watching a show or even in the middle of a conversation we are having.  

Prompted by my sisters questions, I asked Mike and Kayla if they thought they had more sex together than Mike and I do.  They agreed that Kayla probably has more, but you have to put “more” in the right context.  Mike and I have a lot of sex.  It is not like we have it once a week and Mike and Kayla have it daily.  It is more like Mike and I have it 10-15 times a week and Kayla has it 15-20. (yes, Mike’s a busy guy!).  And again, I am putting all sexual acts under the category of “sex” and not just penis/vagina penetration.  

Suffice to say I am not left wanting.  Kayla is younger and has more sexual energy, and Mike loves it, so, let them have however much they want.  One thing that came from our discussion was that Mike observed the sex with Kayla is a bit rougher.  More from behind, more aggressive, more loud.  His comment was no surprise to any of us and Kayla and I agreed!  I’ve seen it and heard it plenty as most of the time I am there or nearby when they have sex.    

While a lot has changed since first embracing DD two years ago, and since Kayla moved in three months ago, the one thing that has not changed is that I enjoy the vulnerability of it all.  I’ve talked vulnerability before in 67. An Esoteric Ramble.  I re-read that post and all of that is still true.  I believe that greater vulnerability has led to even greater fulfillment which in turn has led to one significant change in our DD.  As I mentioned at the end of my last post, it is less about “Jenny style” and more about Mike.

When I first set about my DD journey, it was all about me and what I wanted.  In one of my early posts I wrote about it as being a surrender of myself, but a surrender on my terms. That is true.  Over time I found my greatest fulfillment was in doing things where Mike would ad-lib.  That is, he did things that were not explicitly permitted in our Contract. The contract allows him lots of discretion, but it also spelled out some specific things.  So it was really more about him using that discretion within the spirit of the Contract, versus doing something that was not allowed.   At first he was reluctant to show much discretion and tried to keep within the things that were explicitly agreed upon in advance.  In hindsight that was a very good thing as I don’t know if I was ready for much “discretion.” But over time he came to understand what I wanted and needed, as well as what he wanted and needed.  He has slowly showed more discretion and I am ready to serve him at his complete discretion now. 

Now, while our contract is not up for another year, I am already thinking ahead.  I know that our next version will be far more focused on what he wants than what I want.  We don’t have to wait for a contract to make that happen, but I’ve found that putting things down on paper help serve as cement on your own commitments.  It’s like the fact you don’t have to always tell your loved ones that you love them, but it sure goes a long way when you do!

In looking back on my DD journey I feel that all along I was on a path towards a greater submission to Mike, but Kayla has helped speed up my pace along that path.  Watching her submit and watching Mike be more of a Master than simply a Dom, has really excited me. While I don’t want the things that Kayla wants, I do want some of those things.  

Kayla is all-in on submitting to Mike.  Her latest contract was very short.  There wasn’t really much beyond her preamble of “I serve you and all your desires, no matter how silly, strange, or dark they may be.  I am at your command to do whatever, whenever, and with or to whomever, that you order.”   She had a few hard limits stated, but not many. 

I discovered that I was way more turned on than I thought when I watched Mike be Dominant, and there was some of that Dominance that I wanted directed at me.  I’ve shared this with Mike (as I share every thought and desire) and he has accommodated.  I guess in that way it is still DD Jenny Style, but that style is now based more on Mike’s whim.  I love that!  

NEXT: 128. Transforming through Journaling