When I wrote this I realized I had a potpourri of a wandering of thoughts with some scintillating sizzle of spankings and sex. As it was long winded, I broke it into two posts, because if you are like me, you prefer to read shorter posts (which means you don’t prefer many of my posts!). Hey, I am trying to keep the reader in mind.
WANDERING OF THOUGHTS
I figured out that being accountable for Kayla’s submission doesn’t equate to me being a Dom. My duties in that matter are a combination of my submission to Mike and my love for Kayla. My actions, even when ordering, reprimanding, or spanking Kayla, are at the behest of Mike. In addition, I want to see Kayla flourish as she looks for the level of submission that works for her. The three of us have a mutual understanding regarding my role and we are not naïve to the fact that we can’t fully understand it until we live it for more than just one week. Over time, Kayla may need more or less of me, or I may need more or less accountability of her, or Mike’s needs can even change – which leads me to opine about one of the roles of a Dom, at least from my perspective.
It was commented on one of my posts that there is a perception the life of a dom is being fed grapes and receiving endless blowjobs. We haven’t done the grapes thing, but, yes, I am sure Mike considers the bj’s as fringe benefits. However, as the saying goes, “With great power comes great responsibility.” That definitely applies to a Dom, so such benefits come with great responsibility. In other words, “With great BJ’s comes great responsibility!” Yes, I consider myself great at it and from what I’ve seen, Kayla is great too. In fact, I think I finally realized that from a guys perspective, there is no such thing as a bad bj. . . I digress.
Swift Adjudication of the Situation
In my role with Kayla, I was surprised how my mind races in the moment that I need to do something Dom-like. Kayla transgresses and my mind starts firing off ideas like, “Say this… no, wait, say that… no that’s not it, do this…no wait, not that either, try that.” I know this results in a weak delivery of whatever I end up saying or doing. One thing I enjoy in my submissiveness is Mike’s quick and firm adjudication of a situation (that has a nice alliterative ring to it!). I can imagine how disappointing it is to Kayla when I fumble for the right action to take.
JUST DO IT
I’ve talked about this with both Mike and Kayla. In some ways it is a turnabout of Kayla’s issue of not being able to articulate her feelings, except for me, it is not being able to articulate dominance. The solution is the same as what we have encouraged Kayla to do. Like the Nike slogan, “Just do it.” Set loose the first idea that comes to mind and go with it in confidence. Don’t worry about the perfect solution, as the best solution is the one that comes quickly and boldly, regardless what it is. If I do go too far or not far enough, we can calibrate at a Maintenance Session.
“Tramatize me!?!” Uh, no.
This experience has made me realize what Mike had to go through when we first started Domestic Discipline and even what he is going through now with Kayla. He has to make an educated guess on how to react. Like with me, with Kayla he would rather err on the side of too little, and work his way up to meet her needs. That is preferable than risking traumatizing her by going too far. We’ve all three talked about this and Kayla’s response was a bold, “Then traumatize me and I’ll tell you when it’s gone too far!” I reminded her that while that may help find her limits faster, it is not worth the price of knowing we did that to her. Plus, it isn’t just about what she is able to “take,” it is also about what we are willing to deliver. It may sound good to her, but such trauma has both physical and emotional consequences for her. We told her to just trust us and that we will get to her limits in a safe way.
There have been many conversations with the three of us as well as just between Mike and Kayla regarding what she is looking for in her submission. Mike and I agree that just because she is asking for greater consequences doesn’t mean that is what is best for her. Mike and I have both adopted a slow escalation of things to ensure we don’t go too far, too fast. Mike communicated this to Kayla and while she accepted it, it was clear this was not her preference.
A Respite from Meanie!
Mike has definitely adopted a “meaner” tone with Kayla than with me. He is not callous, uncaring, or malicious. He is just much more stern and exact in what he requires of her. I admittedly have a hard time doing that. It would be easy to say it just isn’t in my nature, but it isn’t in Mike’s either. He is simply adjusting to what Kayla has communicated regarding her needs.
My biggest fear is that if Kayla is getting the same “mean” treatment from both of us, where is her respite? I think it is important for her to have someone close to her that she can confide in that has nothing to do with her being a submissive. Sort of like how I have Donna for that. Note that by “confide” I do not mean share things with someone that she doesn’t share with us. That is against our rules. We share everything regarding our thoughts and feelings. It is more about having a different sounding board to help one sort through their thoughts. We would still close the loop and share any new insights or conclusions.
As a result of this discussion, Kayla said she had a close friend that she would be willing to confide in if it was agreeable to us. Kayla has a good friend, we will call F, who is a gay man she met in college and has known for four years. They are close, and have gone to parties, concerts and road trips to together. We have met him once, which really isn’t enough to earn our confidence, however, we trust Kayla in that if she feels he is trustworthy, then fine by us. Thus, Kayla talked to F and shared some of what is going on. She’ll reveal more to him over time. Apparently his initial reaction was positive and Kayla said “he is cool with it.”
With F as the designated “respite care giver”, Kayla jokingly said, “Okay, Ma’am, so you see, you can be mean to me too!” Ug! I told her that I would do my best..or is it my worst?… but that she must remember she always has the power to stop things. We created a safewords of sorts for her to use to tell me that she needs me to just be “Mrs. H” and not Ma’am. She just needs to say she needs “Mrs. H.”