106. Wandering of Thoughts


When I wrote this I realized I had a potpourri of a wandering of thoughts with some scintillating sizzle of spankings and sex.  As it was long winded, I broke it into two posts, because if you are like me, you prefer to read shorter posts (which means you don’t prefer many of my posts!).  Hey, I am trying to keep the reader in mind.  

I figured out that being accountable for Kayla’s submission doesn’t equate to me being a Dom.  My duties in that matter are a combination of my submission to Mike and my love for Kayla.   My actions, even when ordering, reprimanding, or spanking Kayla, are at the behest of Mike.  In addition, I want to see Kayla flourish as she looks for the level of submission that works for her.  The three of us have a mutual understanding regarding my role and we are not naïve to the fact that we can’t fully understand it until we live it for more than just one week.  Over time, Kayla may need more or less of me, or I may need more or less accountability of her, or Mike’s needs can even change – which leads me to opine about one of the roles of a Dom, at least from my perspective.

It was commented on one of my posts that there is a perception the life of a dom is being fed grapes and receiving endless blowjobs.  We haven’t done the grapes thing, but, yes, I am sure Mike considers the bj’s as fringe benefits.  However, as the saying goes, “With great power comes great responsibility.”    That definitely applies to a Dom, so such benefits come with great responsibility.  In other words, “With great BJ’s comes great responsibility!”  Yes, I consider myself great at it and from what I’ve seen, Kayla is great too. In fact, I think I finally realized that from a guys perspective, there is no such thing as a bad bj. . . I digress.

Swift Adjudication of the Situation
In my role with Kayla, I was surprised how my mind races in the moment that I need to do something Dom-like.  Kayla transgresses and my mind starts firing off ideas like, “Say this… no, wait, say that… no that’s not it, do this…no wait, not that either, try that.”   I know this results in a weak delivery of whatever I end up saying or doing.  One thing I enjoy in my submissiveness is Mike’s quick and firm adjudication of a situation (that has a nice alliterative ring to it!).   I can imagine how disappointing it is to Kayla when I fumble for the right action to take. 

I’ve talked about this with both Mike and Kayla.  In some ways it is a turnabout of Kayla’s issue of not being able to articulate her feelings, except for me, it is not being able to articulate dominance.  The solution is the same as what we have encouraged Kayla to do.  Like the Nike slogan, “Just do it.”   Set loose the first idea that comes to mind and go with it in confidence.    Don’t worry about the perfect solution, as the best solution is the one that comes quickly and boldly, regardless what it is.  If I do go too far or not far enough, we can calibrate at a Maintenance Session.

“Tramatize me!?!” Uh, no. 
This experience has made me realize what Mike had to go through when we first started Domestic Discipline and even what he is going through now with Kayla.   He has to make an educated guess on how to react. Like with me, with Kayla he would rather err on the side of too little, and work his way up to meet her needs.  That is preferable than risking traumatizing her by going too far.   We’ve all three talked about this and Kayla’s response was a bold, “Then traumatize me and I’ll tell you when it’s gone too far!”  I reminded her that while that may help find her limits faster, it is not worth the price of knowing we did that to her.  Plus, it isn’t just about what she is able to “take,” it is also about what we are willing to deliver.  It may sound good to her, but such trauma has both physical and emotional consequences for her.  We told her to just trust us and that we will get to her limits in a safe way.

There have been many conversations with the three of us as well as just between Mike and Kayla regarding what she is looking for in her submission.   Mike and I agree that just because she is asking for greater consequences doesn’t mean that is what is best for her.  Mike and I have both adopted a slow escalation of things to ensure we don’t go too far, too fast.  Mike communicated this to Kayla and while she accepted it, it was clear this was not her preference.

A Respite from Meanie!
Mike has definitely adopted a “meaner” tone with Kayla than with me.  He is not callous, uncaring, or malicious.  He is just much more stern and exact in what he requires of her.  I admittedly have a hard time doing that.  It would be easy to say it just isn’t in my nature, but it isn’t in Mike’s either.  He is simply adjusting to what Kayla has communicated regarding her needs. 

My biggest fear is that if Kayla is getting the same “mean” treatment from both of us, where is her respite?  I think it is important for her to have someone close to her that she can confide in that has nothing to do with her being a submissive.  Sort of like how I have Donna for that.   Note that by “confide” I do not mean share things with someone that she doesn’t share with us.  That is against our rules.  We share everything regarding our thoughts and feelings.  It is more about having a different sounding board to help one sort through their thoughts.  We would still close the loop and share any new insights or conclusions.  

As a result of this discussion, Kayla said she had a close friend that she would be willing to confide in if it was agreeable to us.  Kayla has a good friend, we will call F, who is a gay man she met in college and has known for four years.   They are close, and have gone to parties, concerts and road trips to together.  We have met him once, which really isn’t enough to earn our confidence, however, we trust Kayla in that if she feels he is trustworthy, then fine by us.  Thus, Kayla talked to F and shared some of what is going on.  She’ll reveal more to him over time.  Apparently his initial reaction was positive and Kayla said “he is cool with it.” 

With F as the designated “respite care giver”, Kayla jokingly said, “Okay, Ma’am, so you see, you can be mean to me too!”   Ug!  I told her that I would do my best..or is it my worst?… but that she must remember she always has the power to stop things.  We created a safewords of sorts for her to use to tell me that she needs me to just be “Mrs. H” and not Ma’am.  She just needs to say she needs “Mrs. H.”

NEXT: 107. OUR NEW NORMAL? Sizzle, Spankings, Sex?

11 thoughts on “106. Wandering of Thoughts”

  1. If Kayla is reading these comments I wonder what her reaction is to some of them. Is it possible for her to post a comment on our comments or for you to report on her reactions to our comments from time to time?


    1. It’s a possibility. She doesn’t read it regularly and I typically talk to her about what I am posting. But both her and Mike will give it a look on occasion. I’ve backed off on encouraging her to blog herself as she feels she has enough on her plate right now, but perhaps a “guest” post, comment, or Q&A with her might be good. We’ll see. Thanks for the comment


  2. Second on the call to go slow. The “Give it to me attitude” reveals a misunderstanding on her part. That isn’t a failing of her’s but rather an ignorance. While she might want the physical I doubt she is clearly seeing the purpose (physically and emotionally) of punishment as opposed to play. I doubt that, in hindsight, she will wish she had desired more punishment. If she truly desires more then a different problem is afoot.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep. I chalk it up to ignorance, but more nicely, inexperience. She doesn’t know what she’s asking for. She’s loved it thus far, so she figures more must really be amazing. Good news is we won’t simply do as she asks. We will go slowly.


      1. I apologize if I came across as belittling or disrespectful of her. I would like to better explain my intent.

        “Ignorant” is a big thing for me and one that I address frequently. (Not trying to defend but giving truncated version of normal speech and how it’s applicable.) We are all ignorant. To take offense at the word is to pass over a chance to learn. I’m a father and yet I’m ignorant of childbirth. She and I share that just as you and my (soon-to-be) ex share an educated view of it. I freely admit to being ignorant of many things and finding more daily!

        I like your reply better though. I see her as new to this in many ways. You are correct that she is not wholly ignorant but rather inexperienced. I should have stated myself differently. Y’all’s approach with her so far seems measured and wise.

        Now for another thing that slipped my mind earlier. You were wrong on one point, there can be a bad BJ! Sad but true. It’s been years but….. Wish I were kidding about that experience.


        1. No sweat. I didn’t take it as being harsh. Lack of knowledge coupled with lack of experience definitely qualifies as ignorant. I was just thinking of Kayla reading the comments and wanted to state it more nicely. As for the bad bj, I can imagine they occur. I was being a bit tongue in cheek…or tongue in something or something against the cheek or I don’t know… just trying to be light hearted. But, it does make me wonder about your experience…do tell!


          1. Again you have made a very good point and I have made a mistake. I hadn’t considered her reading the comments. To the lady, I’m sorry if I was offensive. There is a difference between play and punishment from a mental standpoint even if the tools are the same. There is also a difference between pain and hurt. No one wants to hurt.

            Ah, the bad experience. It was actually experiences. My comment was half intended as kidding but also half serious. Without much elaboration, let’s say it involved youth, ignorance and haste each time. The intent was good if uninformed but the executions left a mark.


  3. Good call on the ‘no traumatizing’. You can always turn up the heat slowly, but once burned, no more grapes for you.

    Kayla is in the first flush of discovery and needs Mike to keep her from overreaching. She should be able to understand that completely and accept it before moving to another level.

    Out of curiosity, what are Kayla’s goals for the future? How does she see D/s helping her to do something she couldn’t do before.


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