104. What’s my role? Dom-ish?

dosu

It’s only been six days since Kayla moved in.   The holiday family comings-and-goings has out of our regular routine.  We are all making adjustments where we can so Kayla and I can fulfill our submissive needs as best as possible.  I look forward to resuming a more normal routine and allow Kayla to experience more consistency in her submission.  

Just six days in and we experienced our first wrinkle.  While not specifically expected, we all went into this knowing we had things to learn and would need to make adjustments to fit everyone’s needs.  Well, we’ve had one such adjustment already.

As I mentioned before re Kayla’s contract, Kayla has nightly maintenance sessions (mine have always been weekly and remain so).  The main reason is to be sure we give and receive feedback more frequently as we “calibrate” Kayla’s needs with our awareness and ability to fulfill them.  

In each of her first four sessions, Kayla made it clear she wants us to be strict and “hold her feet to the fire.”  Not literally, of course – we do have limits!  As such we’ve implemented more required tasks of her and critique her very closely regarding her adherence.  One such task is the Morning Inspection.  

MORNING INSPECTION
She was required to keep her room neat and clean but now has to maintain it at an impeccable level, else she is punished.  Any clothes that she has folded and in a drawer must be precisely folded and organized a certain way.  The hangers in her closet must be spaced apart at a distance of three of her fingers and all hanging clothes must face a certain way.  Every day she must dust her furniture and baseboards, vacuum, and clean both her mirror and window every day.  Her bed must be made the moment she gets up (assuming she slept in it and not in ours!).  Her personal appearance is also subject to inspection (as shared in Post 92. The Inspection).   She is to get up early to attend to these duties and on workdays Mike will do an inspection before he leaves for work.   On days he is off he will do so shortly after he wakes up. 

CHANGE IN ATTENDING HER MAINTENANCE SESSIONS
After I attended the first four sessions, Kayla asked that I stop attending the entire session.  She asked that I attend at the start, give any feedback on observations from the day, and then leave unless she or Mike specifically asks that I stay.  Her reason was simply she wanted most of the session to be between her and Mike.

The sub in me is fine with this.  The wife in me is very happy with this – as I mentioned before, I want Kayla and Mike to forge their own relationship that is not always dependent on my involvement.  Also, I am happy that Kayla was comfortable enough to say this as I know it was hard for her to voice that.  However, the supposed Dom in me was confused! 

I am comfortable with Kayla being submissive to me and she wants to be submissive to me, but clearly we need to define what this really means.  Does she really want to be submissive to me or not?  While she is submissive to me, it is clear that I am not her Dom, nor do I want to be.  That is Mike’s role.  In addition, I don’t want her to be nor consider her to be “my submissive.” She is Mike’s, not mine.   She says she wants to be submissive to me, but then not be involved in her Maintenance Sessions?   So what is my role?

We had a good discussion about this that helped me accept my role.  As we previously agreed and Kayla has in her contract, she must call me Ma’am, and must fulfill my requests and follow my directions.   However, she is free to question me at any time as that is intended to help her learn.  Her questioning needs to be calm and inquisitive and I can cut off further questioning if I feel it is necessary.  She can then bring up the issue at her Maintenance Session.  In addition, I am to deliver Immediate Rewards when earned, and can defer other punishments until Mike is able to deliver them.  

While all of these items were the expectations that were initially set, we didn’t explicitly talk about Maintenance Sessions but it was inferred I would participate.  Now she doesn’t want me there.  Again, I have no qualms about attending or not, it is simply about setting expectations and clearly defining my role.  I accept that the definition of my role will likely change over time as Kayla discovers what is and what is not fulfilling to her as a submissive. 

We talked about this and while we couldn’t really put a name on it.  I am dom-like, but not a Dom, I am submissive to Mike, but have to keep a Dom-mindset when dealing with Kayla.   So, sort of dom-lite, or submissive plus?  The best labels that we came up with to convey my role was Dom-Assistant or Submissive-enabler.   That is, I help serve as Mike’s proxy when he is away and will limit any spankings or punishments to those requiring Immediate Rewards when Mike is not around.  For all others, Kayla will self-report to Mike and Mike will handle accordingly.    In addition, I help facilitate Kayla’s submissive mindset, promoting certain behaviors through my “orders” and general interaction with her.   However, I am not “her Dom” and she is not “my sub.”

 I believe talking through this helped better set expectations going forward and I am fine with this.  This isn’t about my need to be a Dom – as I don’t need it.  It is simply about understanding Kayla’s needs and being there to help her be the sub she wants, so long as it does not interfere with my submissiveness.   I think this clarification provides a good balance that allows me to help her while staying within my submissive head space.   

We talked about re-writing a section of her contract to better codify what it means for her to be submissive to me, but we decided to hold off for now as I am sure we will learn more as we go.  In the meantime, we simply have this new understanding of how it will work.

I’ve got an interesting punishment story to share on my next post re Kayla and more cursing.

NEXT: 105. Cleaning a Potty Mouth

6 thoughts on “104. What’s my role? Dom-ish?”

  1. I can’t help but wonder that if Kayla needs this intense level of order and discipline, she should just join the army instead. It would likely be less painful. 🙂

    If Mike is the Drill Sergeant then you get to be Assistant-Private First Class.

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  2. Jen, why does Kayla not want you present at her maintenance sessions? Do any of the Closing Ceremonies involve sex? You talked about Kayla’s spankings but other than the BJ she gave Mike after her first spanking, have you or Mike had sex with her?

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    1. She wanted it to be more between just her and mike and I am fine with that – in fact, I think it was a great idea. I am there at the start but then I leave. No sex at these sessions. You can read about it in my contract that I posted something like #12 or so. Yes, we have had sex…all three of us as well as individually with Kayla. I mentioned it in passing in a post. Simply shared that we “consummated” our relationship.

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