88. Something true

Infection
My last post left off with my realization that I let jealously and resentment infect some of my interactions with Donna.  I must clarify that those feelings have nothing to do with our unique relationship/arrangements regarding sex and submission.  While those feelings are also at the heart of what I wrote about in Post 80 regarding Kayla – again, I now know that those feelings had nothing to do with the potential path we may go down regarding a deeper and more intimate relationship with her.

These negative feelings are all about my coming to terms with the needs of my son.  I will refer to him as J.  It sure is a lot easier to type “J” every time than saying, “my son,” “our son,” etc.

I’ve shared that J has special needs and likely will not be able to ever be independent.  As he is now 16, we are seeing some signs that he may be able to function in a group home type setting or with some level of autonomy.  My husband and I have talked about at some point perhaps moving and getting a large lot where we could have a second, smaller apartment-sized home on the property where he could live.

Source of my Infection
I discovered a feeling I never recognized or confronted before.  It has probably been there for a long time, but I pushed it down through various means.  Pre-DD is was kept at bay by trying to control and solve every problem of the world.   Now that I have given up being everyone’s problem solver, it took 17 months for this feeling to finally make itself known.  I have resentment over having a special needs child.   This is soooo hard for me to state.  I feel awful and sad for feeling that way.

The trigger that would project this feeling into my interactions with Donna or Kayla is that they are so “free”, and I am not.  Donna is an empty-nester, Kayla is just beginning her adult life.  While I can try to reconcile this by recognizing they both have their own shit to deal with, my shit is, well, shittier.  That’s a dumb way to think, but, well, that’s what I am thinking when the resentment builds.

I definitely don’t project that resentment on J.  He didn’t ask for or cause the issue and he deserves and gets nothing but unconditional and tremendous love from both Mike and me.  I don’t project this resentment on Mike, because he is in the same boat as me and does a great job of helping out with J.   I don’t project it on my sisters or other family members because I feel they have their own set of issues and challenges in life and they still find time to lend me their support and love regarding help with J. So, who does that leave as targets?  Ah – my friends and acquaintances.

Targets of my infection
My circle of close friends is  small.  There are many we socialize with – past and present co-workers of both Mike’s and of mine, old high school and college friends, etc.  But that is mostly casual socialization and not a deep and meaningful friendship.   Pretty much there are three people who I fully confide with that are outside my family.   There is Amy, which I talked about in post 62 and post 64.  She lives in another state.  While we remain close, it is more via email, FB, and the occasional phone call.  Not enough interaction to ever project resentment towards her.  So that leaves only Donna and Kayla.  Donna for sure, and only recently, Kayla.   Yep, they’ve become an easy target towards which I can project my resentment.

Thank you Domestic Discipline
It is totally unfair to them, I know, but it is the reality of it.  I have always been very introspective and always have sought to get to the bottom of my feelings.  However, pre-DD this would have taken longer to identify (actually, it would never have been identified) and once identified, I wouldn’t have shared it with anyone, even Mike.

I must credit DD with “forcing” me to share my feelings (let alone helping lead me to my catharsis per my prior post).    By sharing exactly what I was feeling with Mike, it allowed me to have an empathetic and supportive partner to help address this.  Further, my DD “gave me permission” to then share this with Donna and Kayla.   That sounds silly, because it was something we all have – ability to share our feelings.  But there are often hundreds of reasons we choose not to do so.  My DD basically says there are no reasons to do so and I must share, at least with Mike.  Once shared with him, I found it easy to share with others that I love or have a deep friendship with. Plus, Mike ordered it – although, I took it more as an encouragement, re, “You need to talk to Donna and Kayla about what you are feeling.”

As shared in Post 80, I was able to talk to Kayla at that time and admit I was feeling jealous and resentful.  However, only now, after feeling that way towards Donna, do I realize I had the cause of those feelings wrong.  In that post I attributed it to lack of control over our possible sexual relationship with Kayla.  Yes, I felt relieved to gain that control, but that was only a band-aide and not the cure for the resentment.   Just like pre-DD, “having control” helped bury the resentment, but the resentment was still there.  For years, having control of a situation was just a proxy that fooled myself into believing I was solving for my lack of control over J’s disability.

I like the saying that “emotion comes with an entourage of associates.”   I don’t know if that is a saying anyone else has said or if I created it.  I just know I picked it up at some point. What I mean is that emotions are complex and getting to the root cause can be a challenge.  Even when you think you’ve found it, you may be fooled by one of the “associates” who were disguised or hidden.  I guess that is what keeps psychologists in business.

Anyway, such was the situation with Kayla.  While there is no guarantee I finally got it right, I feel highly sure of myself that indeed the root cause of this is from my feelings about J’s disability.

I’ve now been able to confront this head on by having a conversation with both Donna and Kayla (separately) about my behavior towards them at times.  Just recognizing it and discussing it with those that it impacts does so much to start healing it – it’s amazing.

Something that is true doesn’t always require the truth
I feel foolish for feeling resentment about anything.  I have a wonderful life filled with opportunities and love – probably more than most people.  But, we crave what we crave, we love what we love, and we resent what we resent, whether or not those feelings make sense, because, well, feelings are not logical (just look at our presidential election – hee hee. . . or perhaps not so “hee hee”).

Feelings, while they are true, they don’t require the truth.  There can be unquestionable evidence that tells us we should feel a certain way, yet, those facts are dismissed or entirely missed due to painful feelings that distort our reasoning or simply due to cognitive dissonance. Thus, we continue to hang on to a “truth” that isn’t true (it’s like that with beliefs too).  If what I am stating is untrue, we would all feel the same way about things or believe the same things.  The fact that we do not tells us that logic and  what is “true” does not prevail.  Feelings and beliefs prevail.

That’s where I am right now.   I have lots of reasons (truths) to never feel resentful for my lot in life, yet at times, I let resentment enter.  Ideally I’ll reach a point where it is no longer present, but until then, it is no longer hidden from me.  I can recognize it and look it in the eye and do my best to subdue it.  And because I am able to share this with those that are impacted by it, and those people are loving and caring, they too can help me recognize and subdue it.

Just recognizing all this makes me feel 10 times better and feel more compassion, love, and gratitude for my life and those in my life. Resentment doesn’t stand a chance!

Okay, enough pouring out of my emotions.  Let’s talk about some spankings or some sizzling sexcapades with Donna, or what exactly is going on with us and Kayla!   Maybe next post.

89. Spank Jealousy Away