60. Mine, Mine, Mine! Rediscovering my Thrill.

Did ‘ya notice I used an image for the first time on my prior post?  I’ve been wanting to do that but due to time constraints I always opted for the just plain text approach as I know I would spend way too much time trying to find that perfect picture.   Well, as much as I liked the picture on that post, it wasn’t me that did that. (although I did pick out the one on this post).

I mentioned before that I will often write my posts here and there throughout the day or couple of days.  Even when I am done I often let it sit for a bit and then come back and give it a final proof read and then post.  Well, last night I was already in bed asleep and Mike came in to get ready for bed.  I woke up and we talked a bit.  Mike asked me if I happened to post anything and I said no, but I had one ready to go and just need to give it a final proof read before I post. He said, “I’ll post it for you.”

I said, “No thank you Sir, I’ll get it tomorrow.”   He insisted, “No, I want to try that. Give me your login.”

Wow, that was a very dom-like request.  He is definitely getting the hang of it, but I wasn’t in a mood to give kudos.   This blog was MY space, my thoughts, and just plain old mine, mine, mine!   It reflects me.  I didn’t want him invading that space.

My response was sincere and not argumentative.  “Mike, I appreciate it, but I am not sure it says what I want it to say just yet and I need to review it.”

“But Jen, you said it was done and just needed a final proof read. I can check for typos you know.”

I responded, “I know Sir, but I think of the blog as part of me, and I want to do the posting.”
Mike quickly responded, “Sure, it is a part of you, and you want me to be in control of all parts of you, so give me the password.”

So I did and he logged in and posted that prior post for me.   He didn’t change anything, just fixed a typo or two and added the image.   It pained me as he was looking for an image and commenting on how it would be more appealing if I used images.  In my head I was thinking, “no shit, but don’t always have the time to spend looking for just the right image because I’ve got so many things to do.”   Even as I was thinking this I was also thinking to myself, “That is not a very submissive thought and, despite any anger, I am getting that nice sub-tingle feeling with Mike being dominant.”   I had this internal dialogue going on the same time I was talking to Mike.  It was like the pre-DD Jenny arguing with the submissive Jenny.   I made several attempts to persuade Mike to stop.  Ultimately, the final product looked fine, but my issue wasn’t about the final product, only that the final product wasn’t 100% produced by me.

I found my Thrill – Revisited.
Mike and I continued to talk about it.  I remained calm and respectful although inside I was mad.  Luckily I was able to stay calm and avoid a spanking over it.   Mike pointed out one of my prior posts, “I found my Thrill.”  In that post I wrote that full submission is a state of full attention, which is not narrowed down by any kind of desire.  I further stated that submission is about total surrender of physical, emotional, and mental self. . . a state of pure bliss.  I wrote that this was the very source of my thrill about submission.

“Are there going to be exceptions, such as your blog?” Mike said rhetorically.   “Jen, you say you want and need to be submissive, but you tend to find little things that you want to exempt.  That is fine with me if that is the submission you want, but frankly, I don’t believe you do.  You may want that in the moment, but then you later feel lacking in your submission but can’t always identify why.  I think it is because you try to take these little exemptions here and there.  Well, I am not going to allow it.  I can edit or change your posts as I choose.  I have no desire to change your online persona from the person you are, but you’ll just have to trust me on that.  I am not going to answer to you on this issue, so just accept it.”

Wow.  I was stunned.   Stunned in a very hot, sexy, and tingling all over way.  He was being the Dominant I want.   I gave a very pleasing, “Yes, sir” with my eyes big and a smile!

While I have been getting more submissive – I’ve been saying the phrase in my head, “it’s not my preference, but I’ll do it” with ever-increasing frequency lately – Mike was right.  I still tend to probe for too many exceptions and perhaps Mike has been too quick to grant them in the past.  Not that I won’t still share my feelings, and not that Mike still won’t allow exceptions for me, but it was clear, it is Mike who is calling the shots now.  No longer is he just executing on my specific requests with the exactness that I have explicitly agreed to and taking our dynamic only in the specific course that I have set.  Now, he is leading.

His phrase was, “I may decide to allow you to have certain things of your own, but never will I allow us to violate the values of our DD and our D/s dynamic.  The result is, sometimes the answer will be no, and you’ll accept that answer the first time or else you will be punished.”

Yes, sir!

Next: 61. The Iceman Commeth