As with many posts, to fully understand some of my references you may want to refresh yourself with my Contract, especially regarding Immediate Rewards and our Rewards Ceremony, and be aware of our temporary Attitude Adjustment reminders.
This is a long post, which I really try to avoid, but I think it has something for those that like the added insights, context, and emotions, and for those that like the saucy spanking stories.
I’ve created a Dominant! As my Domestic Discipline has become more focused on Service and Submission and as I become more submissive, it stands to reason my husband therefore has become more Dominant. Recent events made the transition official.
Let me preface this by saying that there are likely some of you in a D/s relationship who wouldn’t identify what we are doing as D/s. I get it. Labels can be difficult to affix to any relationship, as there are likely many inconsistencies you can find with any label you use for your relationship, but ultimately you settle on the one that seems to be the most consistent, but not exact. I still think of TTWD as DD, and probably will for some time, but clearly, there is a march towards a more D/s relationship as evidenced by what I am sharing today.
Our recent Argument marked a transition from Mike taking his lead from me, where he responds to my duties and obligations, to one where he simply takes the lead, and creates my duties and obligations. The bit of irony in this is that a lot of the behaviors Mike exhibits are the same ones I used to call our neighbor a jerk for doing to his wife. Of course, that was before I knew they had their own version of DD, D/s, M/s going on. It may sound like I don’t like this transition in Mike, but far from it. I am just pointing out that bit of irony. Something I once saw in someone as “jerkiness,” I now see in my husband as loving – and in fact, I want it and crave it from him.
Here’s what happened:
If you’ve read most of journey you know I often refer to this as “My version of DD” and that “my DD” is all about me. That’s been very true. Mike has followed my lead when it comes to setting rules and punishments. It wasn’t lost on me that when I asked him to come up with ideas for the “Attitude Adjustments” that he came up with all of them without my input. And he didn’t present them as options or in a way that conveyed they were up for discussion. He just said what they were going to be and that was that. I really liked that!
What I didn’t like was that he has been very strict with me since implementing those “adjustments.” I’ve received countless more punishments over the last few days and at first began to feel there was an overtone of anger or resentment coming from Mike. I’ve learned to dismiss those feelings in the past as his intentions have always been nothing more than loving when it comes to our DD. If you read other stories, hopefully you see just how true that is. However, it got to the point that it was getting hard for me to dismiss those feelings.
To keep this post short, I created a separate post that gives you an example of the events of the last few days. Click here to read about those last few days.
If you want to skip the details (those that like punishment stories should not skip), read on now. If you are returning from reading the details, welcome back!
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Mike: “I was going to wait until your Maintenance Session to explain, but I just couldn’t let you go on feeling what I can see in your eyes that you are feeling. So, I decided we will have that talk now.”
He said he feels he has “consistently been inconsistent” since we started DD, and part of that is because he was always trying to follow what I explicitly wanted. Even though the contract gave him a lot of latitude, if there was some behavior that wasn’t explicitly in the contract, he would either let it go, or get clarification from me first. He said the reason he knew the contract so well was because he read it a thousand times. He always wanted to make sure he was only doing what I wanted. He told me that he has come to believe that what I now truly wanted was not for him to just follow my lead, but to actually just lead. That meant he needed to go beyond just seeing if I failed to meet my own expectations, and then tying MY intended consequence to that transgression. He had to actually set his own expectations of me and set my consequences.
He explained it best something like this,
“Think of it this way, Jen. You expect ‘x’ of yourself and if you don’t do ‘x’ you have asked me to deliver the “y” as a consequence. What did I bring to that event? Just my body to give a punishment. Not my mind, not my feelings, not my expectations. That has worked up until recently, especially because I had no idea what I was doing at first or what it was you really wanted. But we have both grown to a new level of understanding about what our DD means to us and how to use it, and you have grown to want more service and submission. I believe in order to truly serve and submit the way you now want and need it, we need to change the equation. The equation should be, I expect ‘x’ of you and if you don’t do ‘x’ then I deliver whatever “y” consequence I deem appropriate.”
Wow. Yes, he was asking to lead. He was asking to be Dominant.
He asked, “So, is that what you want from me?”
“Yes, Sir, absolutely,” I answered enthusiastically.
“So how am I doing,” he asked?
“Wonderfully.” And with a slight pause I added with the tone of a verbal approving wink, “Sir.”
We talked some more and at least for now, no dramatic changes in my rules, just a strict enforcement. With that he said my “Adjustment” period was over and he said, “That doesn’t mean we get rid of the tack bra. In fact, I want you to use your sewing and craft skills to make a better one. That’s your first new order.”
Next: 48. Birth of Dom. Back story. If you didn’t read it, you can read it now!
6 thoughts on “47. Birth of a Dom”
I think that there are as many different ways to define a D/s relationship as there are relationships out there. You work with what works for you within the confines of your own relationship and evolve and grow from there. Call it whatever you want it’s good to hear you are thriving.
Stay focused on the relationship and forget about the label. No matter the lifestyle, others label us anyway!
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I actually think your relationship is more M/s than most people who use that label. I had been wondering when this shift would take place. A lot of times, it is actually the woman who asks for an initiates a dynamic of D/s or M/s. It doesn’t matter what you call it as long as you are both thriving. Feeling like the leash has been jerked tight is just par for the course. Hugs.
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Back on the wagon and full steam ahead! I predict lots of tweaks in the coming weeks.