This is one of those self-reflecting posts; however, for those that like to hear stories of submission, there is something in it for you as well. Lastly, if you are a fan of a Few Good Men, the next time you watch it I hope you remember reading this post and it puts an extra smile on your face.
Reflecting on the Argument
Wow, three straight days of posting. That’s unusual but is due to a combination of less hectic demands of the day and better organization on my part.
While all is forgiven regarding the Argument, I still need to understand what led to it so as not to repeat it. I am not dwelling on it from the perspective a negative emotion like guilt or shame. I am reflecting on it to seek a greater understanding for the triggers that led to my behavior.
Thank you jadescastle!
I have to thank jadescastle for her comments that rang very true to me. She thought perhaps it was a combination of vulnerability and anger that compromised my coping skills. I believe that was a big part of it. The lack of control over my son’s injury along with the challenges in dealing with his compounded needs certainly had me in a vulnerable state. No system, DD or otherwise, is a guarantee that you won’t be emotionally vulnerable from time to time. I just didn’t recognize it because until then, a situation like this hadn’t occurred since we began our DD. I believe now I will be more sensitive to recognizing the early signs and avoid a recurrence of what happened.
I also believe part of it was that I was sensing the distance that I was getting from our DD and it made me anxious. I enjoy our DD. I want our DD. I need our DD. (Said in my head with the intensity of Colonel Jessup). In fact, that inspired me to modify his monologue. It would be my message to anyone who finds anything to do with DD abhorrent and who feels entitled for me to explain myself:
You can’t handle the truth! Women live in a world that has challenges, and we can get help with those challenges from our men. Who else is gonna’ do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for my DD and you curse our methods. You have that luxury of not knowing what I know. Our DD, while at times uncomfortable, improves our lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, improves our lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want some DD, you need some DD. We use words like Duties, Obligations, and Rewards. We use these words as the backbone of our lifestyle. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who has no idea as to the fulfillment, nurturing and love I receive and provide, and then question the manner in which I receive and provide it. I would rather you just said “good for you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a paddle and stand ready to receive it. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Okay, I digress. Back to the issue at hand. Although I sensed the distance, I told myself I could handle it and it was temporary and I would “close the gap” soon enough on my own. Thus I resisted when Mike forced the issue.
One major “doh!” moment was courtesy of another comment from jadescastle, pointing out I could clean/cook while on the phone. I feel like I am not as good of a listener when I multi-task, but, given my top commitments are to my family, it would have been an easy and preferred trade-off versus ignoring my duties.
Lastly, jadescastle mentioned something about “not prioritizing over his needs.” That statement really hit home as it reminded me that serving him is what gives me tremendous pleasure, more pleasure than helping my niece, more pleasure than anything else.
“Serving him” was not what I originally intended with our DD, but I get tremendous joy in doing so and I momentarily forgot that. I’ve learned I really love submission. In fact, I have come to think of what we do not as Domestic Discipline, but as Service and Submission. If SS was an understood and accepted term, that is what I would call our DD going forward.
As such, I asked Mike for something. I asked him for a Reward that could be considered an overall “attitude adjustment.” Things that would remind me and demonstrate my love for serving him and my willingness to submit to him.
Mike came up with some things which we implemented yesterday. We will review them at our next Maintenance Session to discuss what, if anything, will continue. I call these my Service and Submission Reminders as the purpose of this exercise is to get me refocused on my desire to serve and submit.
Mike came up with two of what he calls “Behavioral” Reminders:
- Mike leads: He will lead me when we are out in public. I will walk a step behind him and he will hold my wrist, not my hand. I don’t think people pay that much attention, but if they do, the visual is clear – he is leading me.
- I do not speak: In any interaction with others, I will not speak until given permission, which may be verbal or a head nod from Mike. We did this during our M/s immersion. It is awkward and uncomfortable, but I think of it as a game. I like to see the reaction it gets when someone asks me something and I look to Mike and he either answers it or nods his head to allow me to speak. And when I do speak, more often than not the answer is, “Whatever pleases him.”
He then came up with two of what he calls “Physical” Reminders:
- Daily physical challenge: Mike had me make a Tack Bra. It took some trial and error, but I had a bra that turned out to be perfect for this. It had just enough padding and material so the tacks held snug yet still left enough of the tip out to provide the right amount of poke. There are 35 tacks in each cup. While absolutely uncomfortable, it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. It definitely serves as a constant reminder of my service. Certain movements will give me a scrape or poke. I had to explain my occasional teeth gritting or mild groan to my son. I had to tell him my back was hurting a little and if I twisted just right it would give me a sharp pain.
So, here is my daily routine for the near future:
– Each morning we start with the Calisthenics of Doom. 10 jumping jacks and 10 swats in push up position. And if you read the post out these “exercises” you’ll know that the 10 jumping jacks could come with 50+ swats depending on how well I do. Definitely gets your blood pumping first thing in the morning. Better than any caffeine!
– I put on my tack bra and do not take it off until he is ready to leave or start work (sometimes he works from home). At that time he will affix clamps to my nipples to the pressure of his liking and I am to leave them until the top of the current hour. At that time I remove the clamps and now have to insert and keep an anal plug in for one hour. I then remove it and wait an hour before starting over with the bra. The process repeats until Mike gets home from work. If he isn’t working from home he can face time me any time during the day to check on my adherence. The times work out something like this: 6:30am calisthenics of doom, bra on immediately following the calisthenics, so from about 6:50-7:30, maybe 7:45am. Clamps on until 8:00am, plug in from 8am-9am. 9-10am break. 10-11am bra, 11-12pm clamps, 12-1pm plug, 1-2pm break. 2-3pm bra, 3-4pm clamps, 4-5pm plug. 5pm bra ,and then Mike is typically home or done with work about 5:30. He said typically I will keep the tack bra on until after dinner and then can remove it until our son is asleep.
I must adhere to this even when I go out during the day, so I have to take my “supplies” with me. A lot more trips to bathrooms than usual so I can swap items out!
- Bare Down There!: We got a sitter for Friday and are going over to John and Donna’s. Mike picked up a Brazilian Waxing kit. It is supposedly a very good one and he bought a wax warmer so we don’t accidentally burn anything precious! He and John are going to watch Donna give me a wax. I’ve never been fully bare. The thought of not having a trained professional doing the waxing concerns me a bit. Donna and I watched some videos this morning so hopefully we know what we are doing.
Also borrowing from our M/s experiment, Mike is enforcing a strict bedtime for me as I haven’t been sleeping as much as I should. This is something I actually love. Good rest is definitely a reward! I should be going to sleep earlier but it is something I would never do unless Mike tells me. Last night I went to bed about 8:30 with instructions to journal, masturbate to climax, then go to bed. I am to sleep naked and when Mike gets to bed he might wake me for sex, it is up to him. Last night I was asleep by 9:15. It was wonderful, and yes, he did wake me for sex.
Overall, the argument was a good thing. It made me appreciate what I have with Mike and have an even greater appreciation for sticking with our DD. Best yet, it made me full recognize and acknowledge to myself that service and submission is what completes me.