— Hey! Yes, you. Please read all the way through and give me your thoughts on how you’d complete the sentence I give you at the end of this post. —
Another post about my version of DD. If it helps you get in the mood, know that I am writing this while naked and with nipple clamps very firmly attached for the last 30 minutes or so. This is part of a Reward I earned. I can take the clamps off after an hour. Suffice to say, my nipples are burning. Mike is definitely getting creative with his non-spanking Rewards. So, on to the topic at hand. . .
If you’ve read my contract you know I strive to clearly state how DD works in our household. As one who tends to obsess over whether intentions are clearly understood, I recently took the further step of codifying what I call our Doctrine of Submission. I started writing it but had a lot of input from Mike.
While the contract explains HOW we do DD, our doctrine explains WHAT DD means to us. Both are important topics to discuss with your partner. As we evolve I know that our “how” will change, which is why we have set renegotiation periods for our Contract. In addition, I know that there will be changes in what DD means to us. That is why I believe it is important to write down those beliefs. Doing so gives us something to refer back to and alter, elaborate, or remove as necessary. My doctrine is not going to be the same as yours, nor should it. It should be about whatever you both agree it should be. It can be tricky. It isn’t just about what works for you individually because whatever your doctrine, it must work for both you and your partner if it is to be successful.
Our doctrine is:
- Submission is Love.
- Submission is Personal.
- Submission is Mutual.
- Submission is Beneficial.
- Submission is Counter-culture.
- Submission is Sexy.
- Submission is Fearless.
- Submission is Sensible.
Submission is Love
Forget DD for a moment. Every day, each one of us expresses love in a way where we chose to voluntarily limit what we might naturally do in order to benefit others. This is true whether DD exists in your life or not. It can be as simple as I’d prefer to have chicken today, but I’ll make steak because I know that is Mike’s favorite. Or, I prefer to sit and do nothing today, but I need to run some errands for my kids. In that context, we all agree those are expressions of love. Those expressions all fit the definition of submission.
Submission is also where I voluntarily limit what I might naturally do in order to benefit others. Obviously it is about the degree of power, but regardless of the degree, everyone in a loving relationship submits to their partner in some ways each day. It may mean they skip the chicken for the steak, or it may mean they write their blog with clamps burning into their nipples.
Put another way, when some conflict happens in our household, instead of doing what I use to instinctively do such as argue with Mike, I instead show him respect and honor and submit to his wishes. If he truly loves me, his wishes will not be unreasonable and, due to the mutual transparency, I will see that they are not and I will see his best intentions. Over time this makes it easier and easier to submit, and the submission becomes the new instinct. And remember, I am not brain dead in my submission. I have thoughts, I have a voice, and I do get to use them in a calm and respectful manner (which is why our Maintenance Sessions are so important).
Absolutely. Submission is love and love is submission.
Submission is Personal
Ultimately you must establish your own doctrine based on your relationship. Each person in a couple needs to work together to define what it means to their relationship and each person must be comfortable with it.
The best thing about DD is that it is whatever you want it to be. There is are no arbitrary set of rules. It’s all left up to what you and your partner wish it to be. To clarify, I should say, I believe there shouldn’t be any arbitrary set of rules. I know for some they follow rules that they believe are set in biblical terms such as in Christian Domestic Discipline. That’s not for me, but again, it may be for you.
Submission is Mutual
What? How can that be? Every sub has a dom! That doesn’t sound very mutual?
Don’t confuse “mutual” with “equal” or “sameness.” While authority may be greater with one person, there are still responsibilities that both people must correctly carry out. (“Correct” being a term that the couple has to define for themselves as we have done in our Contract). Both parties have a role, and they both have their own “submissions.”
Mike must submit to our agreement that requires him to act in certain ways that he would not have acted if not for DD. And while it was not required, Mike has also naturally submitted to me through revealing more of himself to me than ever before (the “transparency” that I mentioned earlier).
Submission is Beneficial
Many people are quick to equate submission with enslavement. It does not enslave me, it frees me. It freed me of the burdens and emotional baggage that weighed me down. It freed me from my creed that once was a positive influence, but had morphed into chains of enslavement as I turned it into meaning that I must always get my way. I know DD is working for us because it has made both Mike and I better people. We have grown in freedom, joy, and character. This can only be described as beneficial.
Submission is Counter-culture
We have been raised to admire self-reliance, strength, and independence. Dependence is weakness, you must think and act for yourself, and you are inferior if you do or believe otherwise! These are the lies that are consistently fed to us. Truth is, even our country (USA) was built on interdependence, community, and mutual aide, but I digress. Truth is we live in a complex and interdependent society and to thrive we must learn to acknowledge our dependence, as well as our strengths and weaknesses. I am not advocating that you surrender to everyone in a DD sort of way. I am saying you would be more comfortable in surrendering to your partner if not for the societal stigma regarding surrendering anything to anyone. Culturally we are told surrender is weakness, when in fact, it takes courage, strength, and fortitude.
There is also the issue of potential abuse in DD and there are those that would call it abuse no matter what. I acknowledge there is potential for abuse in all things, including DD. I accept that you can’t have physical abuse without hitting, and you can’t have DD without hitting (spanking), but that doesn’t mean that DD is akin to abuse. No more than you can’t have a car crash without a car, but you can have a car without having a car crash.
Submission is Sexy
Surrendering yourself to someone is inherently erotic, as is the act of giving and receiving punishments. There is no getting around addressing how sex and DD will intertwine within your household. At first I looked at sex and DD as distinct, but now I realize there is an overlap. It is up to you and your partner to determine how much overlap.
There was a time when we are doing something sexual that I absolutely knew whether or not that activity was falling under our DD rules or not. Now, the lines are blurred and perhaps no longer exist. I believe this is because DD gave Mike and I the freedom to completely express ourselves sexually. So, when he asks (commands) me to do something sexually, or when I request something sexually, is that DD or is that just us? The philosophies of transparency that I talked about in my prior post permeates everything we do, so the truth is, the influence of DD is in everything we do. DD is us.
Submission is Fearless
I believe submission terrifies many people because they see it as an absolute. A complete surrender of mind, body, and soul, which has no limitations. Because of this they won’t even entertain the thought of submission. I believe this hides the real fear… fear of revealing ourselves.
I encourage everyone to fully reveal themselves to their partners. You can try to do this absent punishments, but for me it wouldn’t be the same.
Submission is Sensible
At first DD seemed irrational at best, insane at worst. But once I opened myself to the possibilities, I quickly saw how practical it could be. Even though I couldn’t articulate it or possibly understand it as I now do, I still sensed it would bring me all the things that I have now received from DD. I am a more loving person, in a more loving relationship, more energized, playful and respectful than ever before. I am calm, I am at peace. It just feels right and has made an immeasurable difference in our lives. It is functional, it is mindful, it is no-nonsense. It is sensible!
The revelation that Domestic Discipline was Sensible is what motivated me to start this blog! I want others to consider the possibilities it holds for their own relationships. You can strip away the punishments, strip away anything sexual, and what I am advocating is for full and complete transparency in your relationship. If you can find that without submission, good for you, but I would never have found it without domestic discipline.
There are other things submission means to me, but those are the ones most meaningful to me. How would you complete the sentence, “Submission is . . . . “
I would love to hear you thoughts Okay, just about time to remove these clamps!