27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission

— Hey!  Yes, you.  Please read all the way through and give me your thoughts on how you’d complete the sentence I give you at the end of this post.  —

Another post about my version of DD. If it helps you get in the mood, know that I am writing this while naked and with nipple clamps very firmly attached for the last 30 minutes or so. This is part of a Reward I earned. I can take the clamps off after an hour. Suffice to say, my nipples are burning. Mike is definitely getting creative with his non-spanking Rewards. So, on to the topic at hand. . .

If you’ve read my contract you know I strive to clearly state how DD works in our household.  As one who tends to obsess over whether intentions are clearly understood, I recently took the further step of codifying what  I call our Doctrine of Submission. I started writing it but had a lot of input from Mike.

While the contract explains HOW we do DD, our doctrine explains WHAT DD means to us. Both are important topics to discuss with your partner. As we evolve I know that our “how” will change, which is why we have set renegotiation periods for our Contract.  In addition, I know that there will be changes in what DD means to us. That is why I believe it is important to write down those beliefs.  Doing so gives us something to refer back to and alter, elaborate, or remove as necessary.  My doctrine is not going to be the same as yours, nor should it.   It should be about whatever you both agree it should be. It can be tricky. It isn’t just about what works for you individually because whatever your doctrine, it must work for both you and your partner if it is to be successful.

Our doctrine is:

  • Submission is Love.
  • Submission is Personal.
  • Submission is Mutual.
  • Submission is Beneficial.
  • Submission is Counter-culture.
  • Submission is Sexy.
  • Submission is Fearless.
  • Submission is Sensible.

Submission is Love
Forget DD for a moment. Every day, each one of us expresses love in a way where we chose to voluntarily limit what we might naturally do in order to benefit others.   This is true whether DD exists in your life or not. It can be as simple as I’d prefer to have chicken today, but I’ll make steak because I know that is Mike’s favorite. Or, I prefer to sit and do nothing today, but I need to run some errands for my kids. In that context, we all agree those are expressions of love. Those expressions all fit the definition of submission.

Submission is also where I voluntarily limit what I might naturally do in order to benefit others.  Obviously it is about the degree of power, but regardless of the degree, everyone in a loving relationship submits to their partner in some ways each day. It may mean they skip the chicken for the steak, or it may mean they write their blog with clamps burning into their nipples.

Put another way, when some conflict happens in our household, instead of doing what I use to instinctively do such as argue with Mike, I instead show him respect and honor and submit to his wishes.  If he truly loves me, his wishes will not be unreasonable and, due to the mutual transparency, I will see that they are not and I will see his best intentions. Over time this makes it easier and easier to submit, and the submission becomes the new instinct. And remember, I am not brain dead in my submission. I have thoughts, I have a voice, and I do get to use them in a calm and respectful manner (which is why our Maintenance Sessions are so important).

Absolutely. Submission is love and love is submission.

Submission is Personal
Ultimately you must establish your own doctrine based on your relationship.  Each person in a couple needs to work together to define what it means to their relationship and each person must be comfortable with it.

The best thing about DD is that it is whatever you want it to be. There is are no arbitrary set of rules.    It’s all left up to what you and your partner wish it to be.   To clarify, I should say, I believe there shouldn’t be any arbitrary set of rules. I know for some they follow rules that they believe are set in biblical terms such as in Christian Domestic Discipline. That’s not for me, but again, it may be for you.

Submission is Mutual
What?  How can that be?  Every sub has a dom! That doesn’t sound very mutual?

Don’t confuse “mutual” with “equal” or “sameness.”  While authority may be greater with one person, there are still responsibilities that both people must correctly carry out. (“Correct” being a term that the couple has to define for themselves as we have done in our Contract).   Both parties have a role, and they both have their own “submissions.”

Mike must submit to our agreement that requires him to act in certain ways that he would not have acted if not for DD. And while it was not required, Mike has also naturally submitted to me through revealing more of himself to me than ever before (the “transparency” that I mentioned earlier).

Submission is Beneficial
Many people are quick to equate submission with enslavement. It does not enslave me, it frees me. It freed me of the burdens and emotional baggage that weighed me down. It freed me from my creed that once was a positive influence, but had morphed into chains of enslavement as I turned it into meaning that I must always get my way.  I know DD is working for us because it has made both Mike and I better people. We have grown in freedom, joy, and character. This can only be described as beneficial.

Submission is Counter-culture
We have been raised to admire self-reliance, strength, and independence.  Dependence is weakness, you must think and act for yourself, and you are inferior if you do or believe otherwise! These are the lies that are consistently fed to us.  Truth is, even our country (USA) was built on interdependence, community, and mutual aide, but I digress. Truth is we live in a complex and interdependent society and to thrive we must learn to acknowledge our dependence, as well as our strengths and weaknesses.  I am not advocating that you surrender to everyone in a DD sort of way. I am saying you would be more comfortable in surrendering to your partner if not for the societal stigma regarding surrendering anything to anyone. Culturally we are told surrender is weakness, when in fact, it takes courage, strength, and fortitude.

There is also the issue of potential abuse in DD and there are those that would call it abuse no matter what. I acknowledge there is potential for abuse in all things, including DD. I accept that you can’t have physical abuse without hitting, and you can’t have DD without hitting (spanking), but that doesn’t mean that DD is akin to abuse. No more than you can’t have a car crash without a car, but you can have a car without having a car crash.

Submission is Sexy
Surrendering yourself to someone is inherently erotic, as is the act of giving and receiving punishments. There is no getting around addressing how sex and DD will intertwine within your household. At first I looked at sex and DD as distinct, but now I realize there is an overlap. It is up to you and your partner to determine how much overlap.

There was a time when we are doing something sexual that I absolutely knew whether or not that activity was falling under our DD rules or not. Now, the lines are blurred and perhaps no longer exist. I believe this is because DD gave Mike and I the freedom to completely express ourselves sexually. So, when he asks (commands) me to do something sexually, or when I request something sexually, is that DD or is that just us?   The philosophies of transparency that I talked about in my prior post permeates everything we do, so the truth is, the influence of DD is in everything we do. DD is us.

Submission is Fearless
I believe submission terrifies many people because they see it as an absolute. A complete surrender of mind, body, and soul, which has no limitations.   Because of this they won’t even entertain the thought of submission. I believe this hides the real fear… fear of revealing ourselves.

I encourage everyone to fully reveal themselves to their partners. You can try to do this absent punishments, but for me it wouldn’t be the same.

Submission is Sensible
At first DD seemed irrational at best, insane at worst. But once I opened myself to the possibilities, I quickly saw how practical it could be.  Even though I couldn’t articulate it or possibly understand it as I now do, I still sensed it would bring me all the things that I have now received from DD.  I am a more loving person, in a more loving relationship, more energized, playful and respectful than ever before.  I am calm, I am at peace.  It just feels right and has made an immeasurable difference in our lives. It is functional, it is mindful, it is no-nonsense.  It is sensible!

The revelation that Domestic Discipline was Sensible is what motivated me to start this blog! I want others to consider the possibilities it holds for their own relationships. You can strip away the punishments, strip away anything sexual, and what I am advocating is for full and complete transparency in your relationship.  If you can find that without submission, good for you, but I would never have found it without domestic discipline.

There are other things submission means to me, but those are the ones most meaningful to me.  How would you complete the sentence, “Submission is . . . . “

I would love to hear you thoughts   Okay, just about time to remove these clamps!

NEXT – 28. Losing Myself?  (and a sexy story)

18 thoughts on “27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission”

  1. Hi Jennifer, I am not new to DD. I brought it to my husband in 2012 and we started working on our dynamic. I even had a blog for awhile. Unfortunately due to each one of us losing a parent, losing 85% of our possessions due to natural disaster, dealing with anxiety, depression and ptsd…….. ttwd just faded away. I want it back, that oneness you talk about…. that incredible intimacy, that humming connection that is always there even when you are apart…. yeah I MISS that. Was searching and found your blog. We had some of same elements as you do but for some reason they never really blended together. I like the way you have broken down the context and intent of the your dynamic.
    Anyway…. what does submission mean to me?
    Acknowledgement, acceptance and surrender…. of and to myself. I have always been submissive. But grew up with the feminist chants. It is very difficult to acknowledge you are submissive when that is seemingly counter to everything they have told you you’re supposed to be. I have at times despised myself because I instinctively reacted in ways that I saw as weak. It was exhausting. When I acknowledged I was a submissive, I finally accepted that it is just the way I am wired. It is who I am. When I accepted that, I was able to surrender to my own previously hidden needs and wants. Shutting out all other voices but my own and then submitting it all to my husband. Hopefully not too convoluted 😁. I will be going back to reread what you have written to make notes on what really resonates with me and maybe help us moving forward.
    Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for sharing! It always makes me smile when i hear my experiences resonate with someone. Sorry to hear TTIL (the things in life) threw a wrench in TTWD. Ive been fortunate has we’ve celebrated five years committed to this dynamic that thus far we haven’t wavered. It’s been the most wonderfully fulfilling 5 years, exceeding all expectations. Good luck in finding ways to rekindle that and i hope some of my posts serve as inspiration to make that happen! You are very welcome! Hope u keep me posted.


  2. I’ve read several of your posts now, even though I was technically “following “ you. Thank you for giving your different slant on domestic discipline or whatever anyone wants to personally label it. I’ve never read anything like what you’ve written, it’s definitely made me step back and reconsider how and why I want DD. Most everything is just focused on how to be submissive and treat your husband respectfully and I totally agree with that, but what about all the crap I could use help with working for a better me? I won’t lie, the punishments scare the bejevels out of me but like you said, you needed a strong enough consequence to want to avoid it again. And someone to hold you undeniably accountable. Anyway, thank you for sharing. You’ve given me a lot to reconsider. 😊 I hope I don’t get into trouble setting here reading all your posts all day! It is Sunday, the day of rest. And, it will eventually be for his benefit. Lol! 😂 kp

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for saying all this. It’s so heart warming to hear my story can connect with others. And i love the word “bejevels!” Hee hee. I am interested in exactly what you are reconsidering. I would love to hear from you. My email is in my About section if you are willing to share. If not, i understand and i hope you find more of my posts enlightening.


  3. We’re new to DD, just under two months. We’ve not yet had a physical discipline ‘confrontation’, but we did complete a ‘Clean Slate’ ceremony. I got pissed off earlier this week and let it go. I got ticked off at the same thing last night, and haven’t decided whether to communicate my frustration, or whether to ‘let it go’ again and Ice Out. It’s one of the first issues that came between us within the first two weeks of DD. I know it’s important because it keeps rearing its ugly head. We’ve been happily married for 25 years & I approached my husband in late May (2017) to communicate my submissive needs. They certainly were a surprise to me! I’d been raised to be an Alpha, Type A, career minded, individual. I was a shy child, but once I realized I had to attack the world or it would attack me – I dedicated, deciding to conquer the universe and everything in it that could frighten me. Well, anyway he’s taken to DD like a fish to water. I don’t really break the rules we’ve established. We’ve taken the advice to begin this change slowly and carefully to heart – and after some initial overreach (because why not?) we pulled back, and set very achievable rules. What’s going to get me is my anger and ‘direct communication’. My pride is HUGE, it’s so difficult to be vulnerable – to possibly feel small and not in control. Thank you for your writing….it’s reminding me of why I was attracted to DD in the first place. I’m so pleased that you have such recent writings as well – it’s big workday for me, but as soon as I can I’ll read more. Thanks again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing and for your kind words about my posts. I wish you luck! Everyone has different challenges to overcome when adopting DD. Sounds like you accept that, and thus I have no doubts you’ll overcome them. Just know for every few steps forward you are bound to take one back. Don’t let that get you down, or your husband down. I am interested to learn more about your journey. Thanks again!


      1. Jennifer it was great to hear from you. I’ve been awash in all sorts of information, and at the end of the day the info you share is above and beyond when it comes to intelligence and detail, attention to intention, and nuance. You set an excellent example for me, and I also note that my experience and processing is quite a bit like yours. I can relate!

        Know how I said ‘I never break any of the rules’? Well I’m a busy career person, and I got too busy to journal 3 x’s in a row. The acceptance of the infraction and the subsequent punishment (spanking) was surreal for me. I could accept it easily, more or less, because it was on paper…we keep a calendar. The spanking really hurt and I’m not eager to get another punishment.

        I came home tired and achy, (have a nerve acting up in my elbow) from a late night working and a long drive home. When I arrived at 9p he asked me what my dinner plan was and I flipped. Not a total, burn the house down flip…but I had attitude for sure. It was my third attitude infraction – or nearly. I calmed down as soon as he pointed it out, on the outside that is, inside I was angry and as defensive as hell. Anyway, he didn’t punish me right then and there. He seemed to gather that I truly didn’t feel well. He isn’t shy about punishment, but he will error on the side of caution or safety when all the info doesn’t add up.

        Since that occurrence, (two days ago) I’ve been coming to grips with the fact that it’s more or less at times, up to my Dominant’s discretion to Reward me (in your words, I still call it punishment). Whether it’s physical or an assignment…whatever, it’s up to him. Not me. My chance to manage that is in negotiation and possibly check-in meetings. So I’m in stages of accepting this. I love my husband deeply, and he returns that love. I know this: My husband deserves to lead me. It’s just a matter of my trust, it seems.

        I still need to read more of your writing and plan to do so this Sunday. Thank you so much for sharing your blog from 2016 about what ‘Submission IS’…..it absolutely hit the spot! I read it aloud to my husband in the car – we were both edified by it. This isn’t always the most easy or fun lifestyle choice. Sometimes when our communication is challenged we need to refresh our resolve.

        In other news, I’ve lost 10 lbs, exercising 3 x’s per week, I write every day, we’re both eating smaller portions of healthier foods, communication is probably at an all time high (despite current challenges), and our sex life is off the charts. It was darn good to begin with…but now it feels like it actually has *meaning*. I’m not sure what I mean by that exactly. Just that it seems there’s greater emotional connection during sex. ‘Specially when we’re coming out of a setback or disagreement….but it’s not like ‘make-up’ sex. It feels completely different, more meaningful somehow.

        Time for me to get some work done! A work from home day! I’m thrilled!

        Thanks again – I just can’t thank you enough!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Wow. Thank you so much for your very kind words. I am touched that I was about to be a good resource and hopefully a positive influence on you finding what works best for the two of you. I am happy that you have experienced many of the same positive results that I did when we adopted this lifestyle. Keep in mind this lifestyle isn’t always convenient, but don’t let that inconvenience be a source of angst. If it were easy to serve him, it wouldn’t feel as good to do so. The fact it is hard, and is a sacrifice – that’s what makes it so rewarding. I hope you enjoy all that you read. I would love to know more. You can always email me as well. Thank you and continued good fortune with your journey.


      2. Submission is…
        … effective communication.
        … tiny acts of enhanced respect.
        … respectable.
        … loving and lovable.
        … guidance and encouragement.
        … conflict resolution.
        … transparent, open, and honest.
        … confidence building.
        … deeply intimate.
        … worry free.
        … commitment.
        … trust on steroids.
        … lighter fluid to a spark or flame.
        … an oxymoron.

        Thank you, Ma’am! Your blog has been extremely helpful to our journey.


  4. Submission is peace. For me when I made the decision to submit to my Sir it offered me peace of mind. I no longer had to carry the weight of the relationship and its direction as I had done before in past vanilla experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. First and foremost, clamps are a bitch! My submissive hates extended wearing, but does it because I enjoy it..
    Submission is Empowering. Both for her, and for me. She is empowered because she made the decision to submit on her own free will, and she enjoys her sexual choice. She continues to submit, and that, in itself, is Empowering.
    I realized that her submitting was about empowerment, not just for me.When you are ‘submitting’, contrary to popular imaginings, the focus is actually on you, the submissive. You are receiving the pain or the pleasure, you are the focus of your master’s attention, and really you are the star of the show. I will get pleasure out seeing her submitting, taking the pleasure with the pain, etc.
    I am rambling, but thatnks for making me think… 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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