I was asked what’s been the most difficult part of my DD lifestyle. It’s being able to be discreet with a child in the home – DD isn’t always convenient. We’ve found ways to accomplish a Reward Ceremony when our son is home and awake, but it’s tough.
Other than that, the hardest thing had to do with my “sex clause.” In case you haven’t read my contract (please do), there is a clause that requires me to share my “sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, or fantasies.” This was only added to our contract last October, so it is still fairly new.
I found that it initially was the most difficult part of our contract, but it is getting a lot easier. It has been incredibly rewarding and Mike has reciprocated. I think having such frank and honest discussions about myself made him comfortable to share the same with me. But starting that conversation was very very uncomfortable, even after almost 25 years of marriage, we have never talked so frankly about sex. It’s funny because it is now getting to the point that when we share, the other person is like, “yeah, yeah, whatever.” We’ve come to understand that when it comes to what’s in our minds, we can all be sick as fuck and that is normal.
Couples Therapy Anyone?
Here’s some “couples therapy” to try if you want to have some amazing conversations with your partner. It’s only for couples who unconditionally trust in their love for their partner, and in their partner’s love for them.
– – – – If you’re insecure, then do not try this at home! – – – –
Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies. Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies. Not only share them in that discussion, but do so each time you had such a thought, dream, desire, or fantasy. That is what Mike and I do!
Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner. So step one for us was to agree on what the definitions where.
This is what we came up with for our definitions — any comments?
What is a Sexual Thought?
Any idea that pops in my head about anything sexual and that idea is fairly short lived is a sexual thought. Some examples include
- We are having sex and I have this thought of, “oh, I hope he goes there.”
- I see someone sexually attractive and think, “I wonder what they’d be like in bed.”
- Something brushes against my nipple and I think, “oh, that was kinda’ nice.”
- It is in and out of my head fairly quickly. My mind moves on to other things.
What is a Sexual Dream?
A dream are those things you have when you are asleep. They are not those things you aspire or wish for, as we called those Desires. So, it’s simply sharing our sex dreams. These can get crazy and include all sorts of weirdness and physically impossible sex acts.
What is a Sexual Desire?
These are the things we aspire to do, where we have strong feelings of wanting or wishing for. The amazing thing about sharing these with your partner are that you can actually then do a lot of those things together. The worst thing is that you find they just aren’t into even wanting to try that. Yes, that just sucks, and not in a good way. Once you both share enough of your desires, you start to lose your concerns about shocking the other person or feeling embarrassed. Believe me, after almost 25 years of marriage and a lot of desires already acted out, our remaining desires were pretty shocking and embarrassing. Of course, then there are the desires that the other person can’t immediately fulfill for various reasons of which I’ll let your imagination determine. But even if you can’t fulfill those things with your partner, you can still talk about whether or not you both agree on pursuing that fulfillment. Here are some examples using the same situations from Sexual Thoughts:
- We are having sex and I tell him, “Please go there.”
- I see someone attractive and tell Mike, “I must take them to bed.” (Not saying this has happened, but not saying it hasn’t).
- Something brushes against my nipple and I immediately want my nipple clamps.
- It is in my head every time I think about what I want to do sexually.
What is Sexual Fantasy?
Ah! The things we fantasize about but wouldn’t actually want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible. I added the “for now” because sometimes a fantasy turns into a desire. For us, this exercise of sharing caused us to be so open and comfortable to sexually explore together, we both moved some things from the fantasy box to the desire box (and the “did that” box, giggle giggle). But mostly, the fantasies stayed fantasies. Again, using the same situations as before, the fantasy would look more like this
- We are having sex and my mind visualizes Mike’s cock going into both my ass and pussy at the same time.
- There is a group of friends of ours that I think about having an orgy with.
- Something brushes against my nipple and my mind envisions that it turns into lips and suckles me, then makes it way down to eat me until I cum.
- It is a recurring theme or even one time theme in my head when I want to escape in sexual thoughts or need something “more” to get myself turned on.
The fantasies are definitely the most fun and outrageous while also potentially the scariest to share. Again, you must have complete confidence and trust in your love for each other with no hints of insecurity, else sharing these will cause distrust and jealously.
What did we share?
Of the fantasies I shared with Mike, probably the most shocking to him was the group sex/orgy fantasy with men and women that included Mike in the mix. Also there was the “stranger in the night” fantasy as I call it where I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name. He also was pretty shocked at some of the humiliation type fantasies I have. Mike asked me if I had any rape fantasies. I would say the answer is no, but some similar elements. For me that fantasy is more about being dominated with permission, and the dominant then won’t stop when I want them to. They aren’t hurting me badly, but I definitely want them to stop and they won’t. Oh, and that dominate can be male or female depending on my mood.
Of the fantasies that Mike shared with me, some of the more shocking ones were that his fantasies often involved me, either lots of people watching me or having sex with me. He also had some pretty far out humiliation/submissive type fantasies. By far the most shocking to me was the sharing me with a bunch of guy, like five or six at a time.
We did find one fantasy in common and that is I often fantasize about being the “center of attention” (COA). Groups of people watching me masturbate or have sex. Mike said he also fantasized about me being the COA. So, if we both have the same fantasy does that mean we act on it? Of course not, at least, not necessarily or not completely. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Sharing is not a one time proposition. The fantasies don’t change that much but thoughts, dreams, and desires do. Plus, all of them can recur over and over again. We’ve got to a nighttime routine where we share our sexual thoughts of the day. It can be comical and fun at times. It means Mike may tell me about where his mind went at work because someone wore a low-cut blouse that day, or I may tell him I had visions of dick while I had a banana that day.
Our DD lifestyle has opened us up in so many ways, and sexually is one of those ways. We have sex just about every night, and a good number are marathon sessions. We’ve found we have to go to bed earlier so that we can still get a good night’s rest. After all, one of my self-care requirements is that I get good rest. I’ll joke with him that we both need to cum quick else he will have to spank me for staying up too late. Hum….maybe if he did the latter, we could accomplish the former?
That leads me this…. Is spanking a part of sex for us? Prior to DD, no, not really. Some light spanking sometimes when we did doggy, but that’s it. Now, we actually both spank each other. Not the “bend over for a spanking” spanking, but the slapping of the ass as we fuck…and sometimes some very hard slapping. While the “bend over” type spankings are reserved for Transgressions, overall our sex is more physical. He slaps my breasts and pussy harder than before, and I slap his cock harder than before. We also use a lot more toys than before and I almost always wear the nipple clamps during sex. Overall there is more physical “pounding” of our bodies and at the same time a lot more “play” that isn’t just penetration.
Okay, I thought maybe I could distract you with changing the subject. I know what you’ve been wanting to ask since about half way through this post. “So, Jennifer, what things went from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box to the “did that” box?
That will have to be for another post!
Next – 17. Short Post
5 thoughts on “16. Sexual Thoughts, Dreams, Desires, Fantasies.”
I’ve had a COA fantasy for as long as I can remember. There was a time awhile back I just needed my DOM and an intense scene. It was his, a Domme and 2 other men. All for my pleasure—I highly recommend it if the time ever presents itself to you.
It was extremely cathartic in a way impact play couldn’t be.
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Sounds delightful! We will need a wider circle of “those kind” of friends in order to play out that fantasy. Lucky you!