I realized that I was tired of not being the person I wanted to be – of basically frequently letting myself down. But still, how can I allow myself to be punished by my husband?
I realized that these punishments could be about accountability – accountability to myself. If I were to be accountable to myself, then shouldn’t I accept certain consequences if I failed to meet my own duties and obligations? These duties and obligations represent the things that are of utmost importance in my life, defining the person I want to be. They are, without doubt, worthy of my accountability.
Without some type of consequence other than my own personal disappointment, I could never be truly accountable. I knew that absent new consequences I would fall back into dismissing responsibility for things that went wrong. I would be back to, “oh well, I still did the right thing, even though it had the wrong outcome.”
So what would this new consequences be? I thought hard about options other than spanking. Time-outs, writing lines, standing in a corner, alone time, etc. – but those only involved me having to do something. I needed consequences that my husband was involved in delivering. I knew for me that ultimately it was my accountability to him and having him holding me accountable were both absolutely necessary for me to be successful. That was the turning point in realizing DD was going to be for me.
In order to be accountable to myself, I had to agree to spankings. Once I reconciled this in my mind, a sense of release came over me. It was quite a feeling. It was at that moment that I realized what “submission” meant to me. While still not fully sure what I was in for I began to relish the thought of my husband and I being committed to the things that were most important to me and yes, relish the thought of my submission to him.
That realization did not happen immediately and the few sentences I wrote here do not tell how I reconciled this in my mind. Next I will share with you my thought process that allowed me to ultimately accept punishment as a consequence.
NEXT – 7. Accepting Punishment